Weakness

I have struggled with something for a long time, I feel like my whole life. But I've just now realized that this has become one of my weaknesses since my dad passed away over 5 years ago. 

Insecurity and/or No Self-confidence

Here is my list of what I am secure and confident about: 

I am confident that I am good at my job.

I am confident that God sent His Son to die on a cross for my sins so that if I accept His free gift of Salvation, I can live for eternity in Heaven. 

I am confident that my family loves me.

Now I know to some of you that makes me pretty confident--pretty rich. Not a lot of people have that confidence. But that's not the kind of confidence I am talking about. 

I don't know if I can go to college and graduate.

I don't know that the major I picked is the right one for me.

I am not confident that I will be successful.

I am not confident about my future.

I don't think I'm beautiful.

I don't know if someone will be able to love me.

And I don't know I will be able to love that person in return.

The one thing that I do have...is hope. I have hope that these things won't be issues in the future. I hope and pray that God will address these. I am confident in that.

I have recently started believing in myself which is kind of a big deal. I've started thinking about how it might be possible that I could finish school and graduate and possibly go on to graduate school. I never would've considered this before and honestly, I'm not sure why I'm thinking about it now. 

I have been talking with a friend of mine about how I need a change. I need something different in my life and while I know moving out is the answer, I'm having a hard time accepting it. She's been great in making me realize how important this is/would be. She's a true friend. But while, I know I need to move out and be on my own and independent--I'm not ready for that at all. Mentally, financially, even spiritually. 

I am terrified of failure. Who isn't? But, I have an abnormal fear of failure. I am so afraid to fail that I won't even try. If I don't try to start anything or to do anything new, then I won't fail. I have realized that is not the way to live, but it's hard to change once you've done that your whole life. I am trying to trust in my Lord and Savior to help me through this. I'm hoping my friends will too--I know they will. 

I found this quote yesterday and I love it. I've always thought of myself as a strong person, but this sheds a while new light on that subject. 

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong,

but sometimes, it's letting go."

Herman Hesse

Pray me through this friends.