1 Samuel 1

It was Children's Day at church this morning! I love this day of the year. The morning when all the little kids get up in front of the entire congregation and sing the songs that they've been learning for months. They are absolutely precious.

 

Todd (our children's minister) came up to preach his part of the sermon. He first played a video from the show Jon & Kate plus 8. This particular episode, Kate was making pancakes for the entire 10 of them. She gave us all sorts of estimates of how much flour, eggs, milk, and blueberries it took to make enough for all 10 of them. She even went as far as to tell us how many paper plates they use in 3 months, 1200??? Are you joking? I probably haven't used that many in my lifetime.

 

Anyway...Todd went on to ask the question, "Why in the world would you want to have children?" and as he asked this question, he passed the puck to Jonathan (our youth minister).

 

Jonathan & Todd both pointed out how much money that kids cost. And as they are both new fathers, they know.

 

But Jonathan went a lot deeper. He spoke of Hannah from the Bible. 

 

Read 1 Samuel 1.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=9&chapter=1&version=31

 

After Jonathan spoke some incredibly moving words. Todd offered up a prayer and asked families to get together--to pray together. My mom sings in the choir, so she came down. With tears in her eyes, she prayed.

 

I just had to ask my mom what she was crying for. I asked her during lunch. She told me that she was Hannah. She prayed and prayed and prayed for me. 

 

"...and she said to him,

'As surely as you live, my lord,

I am the woman who stood here beside you

praying to the LORD.

I prayed for this child,

and the LORD has granted me

what I asked of him.

So now I will give him to the LORD.

For his whole life

he will be given over to the LORD.'"

 

 

Just You and Me

So, last night's Grey's Anatomy played with my emotions. I watched it just a few minutes ago because our cable is out.

 

The little girl, Jessica, and her father, Matt--these people are who played with my emotions.

 

Matt is scrambling to get more help for his little girl. He wants to go to Mexico for another treatment option. Dr. Bailey is trying to get him to stop and realize that Jessica doesn't have much longer--minutes even. And she says,

 

"Jessica is terminal, Matt. In a few minutes, her heart is going to stop. Now, I can pump her chest; I can push all sorts of medicines; I can put her on a ventilator because she'll no longer be able to breathe on her own. But even with all of that, she is going to die. And the last person who will have had her hands on her, who will have been able to touch her--well that's going to be me, or a nurse? Or it could be YOU. Because you don't want to miss this, this next part, she needs her daddy for this part."

 

And Jessica asks, "Daddy, are we going to Mexico?"

 

And Matt climbs into Jessica's bed to hold her as Miranda climbs out. He answers with, 

 

"Yes, we're going to Mexico. The sky is blue blue and the sand is white and the water's so clear that you can see all the way to the bottom. We're going--just you and me. No more doctors, no more medicine, no more hospitals--just you and me."

 

And the monitor beeps to let them know that Jessica's heart has stopped. Crying, Matt keeps talking and says,

 

"We're gonna go, you just relax and we'll be there soon. We'll play on the beach all day and we'll make sandcastles. We're goin'--we'll be there soon, you'll see. We're going to have so much fun--just you and me. Just you and me."

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Minus the death part, there is nothing that I want more than to be Jessica right now. Just to be held. I want my Daddy to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. I want him to tell me that I'm going to a place that is just indescribable. 

 

Tears just streamed down my face in this scene. I wanted to be held.

 

My dad and I used to sing this song when we would do stuff together. It's called "I Love..."

 

You would sing, "I love" and then fill in the blank with 3 things that you loved and you would end it with, "...and I love you." And then it would be other person's turn and you would go back and forth just singing about what you loved.

 

"I love...taking pictures, singing, and remembering you...and I love you."

Arise, My Love...

So, this Easter weekend has been eye-opening for me.

 

I'll start with Good Friday.

 

I have a brand new cousin, Ryan Gardose Harrison (his middle name is my aunt's maiden name--she's Filipino). He is so precious. Born on Good Friday, April 10th, 11:25am, 7lbs 8 oz. 20 in. long. He has a big sister, Camille Joy, who is 15 months old. but sorry--no pics :(

 

My aunt and I went to Conway on Friday to welcome the newest member of our family. We talked there and back. I loved talking to her on the way back. This aunt, Aunt Bettye, is my dad's older sister. She used to call me "Miss Priss". haha! I was asking her all kinds of questions about family that I hadn't seen in a while including my great Uncle Bill, 89. (He's not in great shape, so I try to keep up with how he's doing.) 

 

My aunt is 13 years older than my dad was. So my curiosity got the best of me in our conversation and I finally asked about my grandfather, her father. You see, growing up--I had only heard stories about my great grandparents and I knew my dad's mom but I had never heard stories about my grandfather. Well, my grandfather died when my dad was only 3. and my aunt was 16 or so...so--I asked her to tell me about him and she did. I love hearing stories about family. Except I definitely hate it when people say that they would've loved me, that makes me only want to meet them more. It makes me miss them--even though I never knew them. When I think about my kids, I cannot wait to tell them stories about my dad. I know that I will say--"He would've loved you"--because I know he would have. 

 

We talked about Dad, Mom, cousins, Aunts, Uncles, and friends. I feel like it was a bonding moment for us.

 

So Saturday came. Mom had to work for a little bit, so I went to Pine Bluff to get my Aunt Debbie for the day! This aunt is my Mom's sister. We talked the whole way back to LR. We talked about family, friends, and where we wanted to go that day! Well we got into town and she ran an errand with me. Then we walked around a Garden Center and went to eat at Panera! After that, I had a second interview for a job, which I got FYI!!! :D And while I was doing that, She and Mom (after she joined) went to Penney's and walked around for a bit. Other shopping was had Saturday and then some good Italian food at Olive Garden for my family Birthday dinner! ......then Saturday left.

 

SUNDAY!! EASTER!!

 

I wore a not-so-new dress that I finally got to wear for the first time after having it for about a year and a half. And Brother Ed preached a great sermon entitled, "The Resurrection Expectation", reading from Luke 24:1-6a.

 

He pointed out that Jesus conquered Death, our sins are forgiven, we have eternal life, an eternal home is ours, and the big one (for me): believers are reunited.

 

I had never thought about that before. As soon as Jesus comes back for us in the Second Coming, we will be reunited with all the past believers who have gone home to be with the Lord. 

 

"Brother's, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words."  

--1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

 

Such an amazing thought. Such an unfathomable thought, as well. 

 

I probably couldn't describe how badly I want to see my daddy again. The feeling of longing is brutal and breath-taking sometimes. 

 

I realized recently that I go to my happy place when I'm in a hug. When I hug male family members (uncles, cousins, family friends), I wrap my arms around them, close my eyes, and go into my happy place. I remember my dad. I remember his bear hugs. I remember...

Birthday!! :)

i'm starting my 21st year of my life. i guess i feel older? who knows!

I Miss You...

I miss you

I miss your smile

And I still shed a tear

Every once in a while And even though it's different now You're still here somehow My heart won't let you go And I need you to know I miss you, sha la la la la I miss you

 

I know you're in a better place, yeah But I wish that I could see your face, oh I know you're where you need to be Even though it's not here with me

 

--Miley Cyrus

God has something bigger...

So, I know that God has been at work in my life the last few months. I just kind of don't want to admit it. In my grief I'm still in the anger stage. I've been in the anger stage on and off for about a year now...maybe more. I guess that I'm just so mad that I am missing out on all of the things that other girls are taking part in. I think of my sweet Cate, who lost her father 6 months after me, that cannot participate like she wants to in the Father/Daughter Dances put on by the school or Cotillion or whatever. Neither of us will have our daddy's to walk us down the aisle to our soon-to-be husbands. Sure we could both have replacements, but it's not the same. She could have her brothers or grandfather. I could have any one of my cousins, my grandfather, uncle, or family friend. Again I say...it's not the same. It's just not. 

 

I haven't been praying for a while (and I'm not going to define a while for anyone--I'm not even sure myself). But the idea of prayer has always been in the back of my mind with verses that pop up while I'm in my bible study group (love you girls) whether it be...

 

James 5:16, "When a believing person prays, great things happen."

 

or...

 

Isaiah 65:24, "I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!"

 

As I have come to learn (again), prayer is essential to my relationship with God. I hate this fact. I hate that I believe in a God who wants me to talk to Him even though I am completely mad at Him. But then, I love that I believe in a God who wants to have a relationship with me even though I am so angry with Him. Why does He want a relationship with me? I go against His Word ALLLLLLLL the time. I sin. I lie. I kill with my mind--which is just as good to Him. I'm jealous. Why me, God? You have so many better people in the world than me--Mother Theresa, Billy Graham, who else is ridiculously good? I don't understand it; but I don't have to. I have to trust that He is doing what He thinks is best with my life. I am speechless that He would even look my way. 

 

I guess I've learned my lesson about praying. I need prayer. I need a way to communicate to my Savior. Maybe I'll start slow. I would appreciate prayers for me. I'll explain why you're praying for me in my next post. 

 

katie