Well, I went to see my Godchildren again last month. I had the best weekend. Very unfortunate that I haven't been able to spend more than a weekend with them since October. I wish I had unlimited vacation time, you know? Although, there's a good chance that I would never show up to work. That is a huge lie, though. I love my job. This little boy is such a joy. He smiles and your heart melts. He laughs and you laugh. He hardly ever cries. Amazing child. He will be 1 in less than a month--May 4--and he's already walking!! I can't believe that I've been with this family since August, what's that...8 months? Insane. Hope they're not getting sick of me.
My birthday was last week. Yay for being 23! It's really not that exciting, so far. It's just more of a shock when people ask how old I am. They think I'm 15. Granted, sweet in every sense, yet somehow...disheartening? I'm unsure of the word I'm looking for. Well if I look at my life right now and really focus on where I am and where I thought I'd be by now, I could get really depressed and defeated. I wanted to be at least engaged or in a serious relationship by this age. I know it's young, but that's how I always pictured my life. I wanted to be a college graduate. Maybe in the next 5 years...
But, I am very happy with where my life is. Single. Great job. Wonderful family. Incredible friends. Amazing God (not in that order of course). I know this for sure, my life is nothing like I thought it would be. And that's ok. There are times that I wish I had the cookie-cutter life, but then where would the excitement and fear be. I have to rely on my family, friends, and most importantly God to get me through life. It's scary, but I love it.
I just found a draft of a blog entry that I started once, but never submitted. And it goes a little something like this:
"I have many ideas for my future. Marriage to a wonderful man. Beautiful kids. Many happy memories. But I know all of my future is not pretty. There will be rough times as well as the good. And how am I supposed to cope with what is to come?
I have wondered about that question a lot lately. I have been broken in asking myself that question this week. How am I supposed to cope with what is to come? It's a very big question. I would love to say that my immediate response was God. And in my head, it was. But, when you have lost something precious, you start to wonder. Wonder, in my case, if I can trust the One that my loved ones are with. I wonder if I can see things through His eyes. I wonder if my past and present feelings will resurface and/or continue. Will they? Will the Enemy take over my brain and convince me once again that God did this on purpose, so I can learn something? I dare say, he could. But I have hope. I hope that God will sustain me in that time. I hope that He will be enough for me. I hope that He will not let me stray from Him. I am His.
Lately, I have been questioning things: life, God, everything. It's been hard this week. For the first time in my life, I realized...(and it kills me to say it, and admit it on the internet), that my relationship with God is purely acquaintance-like. Honestly, I hate it. I hate that I am mad at my Creator. At the One who saved me from eternal damnation. I would go to asking, "Why?", but it doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. So, how do I move past it all and hope to cope in the future?
Worry consumes my thoughts. I'm 22 years old and have lost my father. I worry that my mother won't be around to see my kids. Yes, I have my extended family and very close friends who would step forward, but it's completely not the same. I worry. I hope. I'm trying. I'm trying not to worry. I'm trying to trust again.
I put my life in His hands once. It's always been in His hands, I just like to think that I can handle things. I cannot. I will have to start trusting Him. That is a scary thought after almost 5 years of questioning trusting Him."
In a lot of ways, I still think like this person did. I still have a hard time trusting God and sometimes even man. I still question how will I be able to move on. I'm a year older now. I'm 23. With age comes wisdom? I wish. And I think to a certain extent, it does. But, at the same time, I think circumstance has an important role as well.
I think back to this year's anniversary of my Dad's death and thank God for his revelation to me. I can't think of a better way to wake up on that day than God saying to me, "It's time to live again." It hit me like a ton of bricks, but it was worth the wake up call.
So, to abruptly end a post...
