Waiting for him

Friends! God is teaching me so so so many things lately. It is EXCITING! And so just plain awesome that I know He is working in my everyday life.

So last night I met up with a friend and mentor of mine, Laurie. Laurie is that person that I can say whatever I'm feeling about a situation and she loves me anyway. She understands my feelings and then gives me a carefully thought out Godly response. One of the many reasons I love her so much.

I first met Laurie at my high school. I had her for study hall for a couple of years, I believe. I nannied for her and kept her daughter Kelley for a semester. She was, and continues to be, the most genuine person I have ever met. She honestly cares about me and my life. She takes time out of her busy schedule--teacher, mom of 4, wife, friend, and so many other things--to be there for me and I couldn't be more thankful for her. There will be an extra jewel in her crown for dealing with me when she gets to Heaven. ;)

So Lars, as she is more affectionately known, has been my go-to person when I want to (let's be honest) whine about my pitiful excuse for a love life. I have blogged many times before about how I long to be a wife and mother someday. But, during last night's meeting, we kind of glazed over that issue. We just addressed it, "where are you with this?" "how's it going?", and moved on. I thought that was kind of a big step for me. There are times when that is ALL I think and talk about. Literally. But then, there are times when I am thankful that I'm not committed to anything at the moment. {Vicious cycle}

I love when God teaches me something first thing in the morning. Not sure why, but I do.

I wake up this morning and do my usual social media check and found this video about adoption. It was the sweetest video with great wisdom in it. At one point the father said this:

"We prayed for a child but in our prayers,

there wasn't a face and there wasn't a name.

We were praying for a child--

just asking God to give us a child.

It wasn't just a child that we were waiting for,

it wasn't a child that God intended to bring to our family.

And those years of waiting weren't just because God decided

He wanted us to wait an arbitrary number of years

or go through an arbitrary experience.

All those years and all the waiting

and all those prayers were for him.

For Jacob.

For our son."

The bold is my favorite. After hearing that, I equated that excerpt to my situation and inserted the words my husband for a child and I was blown away. And here it is.

"I prayed for a husband but in my prayers,

there wasn't a face and there wasn't a name.

I was praying for a husband--

just asking God to give me a husband.

It wasn't just a husband that I was waiting for,

it wasn't a husband that God intended to bring to me and my family.

And those years of waiting weren't just because God decided

He wanted me to wait an arbitrary number of years

or go through an arbitrary experience.

All those years and all the waiting

and all those prayers were for him.

For him.

For my husband."

I almost cried when I put it in this perspective for me. It also put on my heart that I wasn't praying for him like I'm supposed to be. I need to be fervently praying for him. Never ceasing. I believe that God will give me my heart's desire and that He will go above and beyond what I ever imagined my husband, children, and life to be. 

"Take delight in the Lord

and he will give you your heart's desires."

Psalm 37:4 [NLT]

"Now all glory to God, who is able,

through his mighty power at work within us,

to accomplish infinitely more than

we might ask or think."

Ephesians 3:20 [NLT]

{I also love verses 14-19}

I will better myself while I am single. My husband is out there somewhere and I'm so excited to meet him! 

But I can wait...

-katie

Sing, Love. The Master is Listening...

One of my favorite authors and people of all time is Angie Smith. Angie Smith has written many books including I Will Carry You, What Women Fear, and her newest--a children's book called Audrey Bunny. I love the way Angie writes. It's as if you're sitting with her exchanging life stories over coffee. Six years ago, she and her husband Todd (lead singer of Christian group, Selah) found out that their daughter would not likely live outside the womb. They chose to let God have His way with the situation and gave Him the glory throughout the entire pregnancy and since.

Sing, love.

I found Angie's blog when I was 19 years old. My friend Sadie had been reading it and mentioned it to me for whatever reason. (God, obviously.) This was right around the time when I was grieving over my dad's 2nd death anniversary. I went to her blog site, sat there and read her story. I went back as far as I could and read and read and read. I laughed often. I cried a lot. But mostly I was just in awe of the way Angie relies on God. Her writing is truly fantastic as well. God gave her an amazing gift when he created her. Angie is really special to me. Her daughter, the one who passed away, Audrey and I share a birthday. I turned 20 the day she was born. My...our birthdays haven't been the same for 5 years. That day never passes without me thinking of Todd, Angie, and all 5 of their girls.

Sing, love.

Anyway, Angie wrote a devotional book recently, which I love. It's called Mended: Pieces of a Life Made Whole. Several of these chapters have stuck out for me, some of which I would love to write about. But tonight's read was the chapter entitled "He Loves You". She focuses on the sparrows and how God loves us more than them.

"What is the price of two sparrows--

one copper coin?

But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground

without your Father knowing it.

And the very hairs on your head are all numbered.

So don't be afraid;

you are more valuable to God

than a whole flock of sparrows."

Matthew 10:29-31 [NLT]

She talks about how she was searching for answers in her walk. "I decided I wanted to know what it was that made this bird so important. I had gone through a very dark time in my life, and I was looking for Him, for answers, for a reason to believe He even cared, let alone loved me." She says she "just wanted to know that she existed to Him."

Sing, love.

She continues on to say that she was reading an article on a specific bird. "I skimmed it until I came across a sentence that explained how this certain type of bird learned how to sing." She became overwhelmed at what she found. "...this particular bird cannot learn to sing in the daylight because it is always concerned with the chatter around it. Instead, its cage must be covered so that it is in complete darkness. Then it is able to hear its master and will learn how to sing." 

Sing, love.

Angie points out that even when we are in our darkest hour, He is there. And He loves you. 

-katie

You can find Angie and her story at her website here. Go. Read her and Audrey's story. You won't be sorry.

For The Good

I try to read a chapter in two different books as a part of my time with The Lord every night. Tonight, one verse kept making it's appearance. It's one of my favorites and it has definitely gotten me through a lot of times.

"And we know that God causes

everything to work together

for the good of those who love God

and are called according to

his purpose for them."

Romans 8:28 [NLT]

When my dad passed away unexpectedly almost 8 years ago, our pastor gave us this verse to cling to. And it has been a constant in my head ever since. 

One author pointed out that it says the word "everything". I never really thought about it before. He causes EVERYTHING--good, bad, even just so so--to work together for the good of those who love Him. 

That. Blows. My. Mind. 

Everything that happens to me is for my good. Wow. 

As hard as it is, sometimes, for me to wrap my mind around it, God took my Daddy for a specific reason. And I know this: I wouldn't be the person that I am today without that part of my journey. I wouldn't have the struggles that I have right now. I wouldn't be wonderful friends/mentors with certain people had I not lost my Dad. So many things about my life now would be different. 

Sometimes, when I'm remembering my dad on a good day, I will sit and just think about what my life would be like now and in the past almost 8 years. And sometimes, it's really hard to think about it. It's hard to think about what life would be like. Because. Well. I'll never know. 

But this verse. It has gotten me through. All I can tell you all out there is...God is who He says He is. He is the same God as when I was born over 25 years ago. He was the same God when my parents were having trouble and I asked my Dad to leave my mom if that's what he wanted. He was the same God when we lost our business. When my Dad fell. When his health didn't improve. When he died. And my God is the same today. And He will be the same tomorrow. And even in 25 more years. 

I love that. 

Enough

The last few weeks, I have been growing and I'm proud of myself. I've been reading my devotional and another great book about loving Jesus without limits. But one day a week or so ago, I realized the real reason I was reading my devotional, reading my Bible, and reading the "Christian book". It wasn't because I wanted to grow closer to God or to strengthen that relationship. It was because I secretly (God knows all my secrets) wanted to look like I've drawn closer to Him so that He would bless me in my life. Not just any area of my life...I want someone to love. I want nothing more in this life than to be married to a wonderful man who loves The Lord and will help lead me and the family we will have through this life with God's guidance. Nothing more. That will be enough for me. A loving husband and a family of my own.

When I came across this realization, I felt like a phony. I had been lying to myself and my God (He knew). Why couldn't I just be honest with Him and myself? I've begged Him for the man that I want. I've told Him how much I want this. And then I came across a verse in the Bible that has been a favorite of mine since middle school...maybe high school.

"Take delight in the Lord,

and he will give you

your heart's desires."

Psalm 37:4 [NLT]

I think I was reading this wrong though. I was taking this to mean that if I go to The Lord and basically pacify Him, He'll give me what I want. I won't have to keep this up after I get what I want.

Selfish. 

I cannot believe that I had that thought. But I did. I should've been focusing on this verse in the Scriptures. 

"But he said to me,

'My Grace is sufficient for you,

for my power is made

perfect in weakness.'

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly

about my weaknesses,

so that Christ's power may rest on me."

2 Corinthians 12:9 [NIV]

I love to compare different versions of the Bible.

"Each time he said,

'My Grace is all you need.

My power works best in weakness.'

So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses,

so that the power of Christ

can work through me."

[NLT]

"My Grace is all you need" God should be enough for me in this life. But I want more. I don't want to want more anymore. I want God to be enough for me. If I lose everything in this life I will still have my God. He should be enough for me. He is enough. I just have to change my ways of thinking. 

Thank you Lord for this revelation. Keep 'em comin'. :)

Hope y'all have a great week! 

-katie

Oh, hey again!

So, I haven't posted since July. Oops.

I have been crazy busy since July. So many things have happened. I won't bore you with the details because I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who thinks those details are worth hearing about. I just basically worked at my regular job(s), house-sat and dog-sat. I went to the beach with the people I nanny for. That was heavenly. Lots of birthdays, a wedding or two, two funerals for my last Great Aunts, and tons of fun and laughter in between. Life is good, friends. Life is good.

A big thing is that I'm co-leading a small group of 7th grade girls with a friend of mine. And when I say small group, I mean we have one of the biggest groups with 13 girls! But, I could not have asked for a better group of girls! They constantly surprise me and they are constantly making me laugh and think about my life and my walk with The Lord. I think that's the way it should be. We like to keep them on their toes as well. And while this isn't the most godly thing, the same co-leader friend, Meagan, and I went to the P!NK concert here on Sunday. (Best. Concert. Ever.) The girls think we are so cool because we go out and do things like that. Heck, we took a couple of the girls out to dinner a couple of weeks ago. And as we were dropping them off, we mentioned that we were going to go to Meagan's house to make donuts. One of the girls was just in awe. "Y'all are going to make donuts? Y'all are so cool." Hey, if us making donuts is cool--I WILL TAKE IT! There are times when I don't feel like I'm cool to them. And that's when they always surprise me. They say something encouraging or give us hugs or something. I just love them all.

We had a sleepover in early August before school started to celebrate the start of our small group. We had frozen pizza, candy, popcorn, and movies. Everything that middle school girls love. They let their personalities run wild that night! It was so fun to see them in their element. Everyone was out by 2AM, except for me and Meagan. We outlasted the girls. We rock! Meagan and I sat on my kitchen floor talking about the night and what we wanted to do in the morning. Meagan, the girls and I chatted the next morning and just tried to set the tone for our group for the year. And the years after that...

You see, our church does this thing where you get in a small group and you have those leaders and that group from 7th grade until you graduate. I love this concept. You get to be a family. And we already are. These girls could not be more special to me. I love each and every one of them.

We had a Thanksgiving meal this past Sunday. What a success! Let me point this out right now. I HAVE THE BEST SMALL GROUP. I HAVE THE BEST GIRLS! AND THEY HAVE THE BEST PARENTS. I gave the parents assignments on what food to bring and everyone came through. I was so pleased with the turn out. Every family came, except one (soccer tournament in TX). It made my heart happy to be in the same place with the girls and their parents. Every parent is/was so appreciative of us taking time out of our lives to mentor their daughter(s)--(yes, we have twins). And I couldn't be more grateful that God has given us this group. These wonderful girls and wonderful parents make this worth it. God is good. ALL THE TIME! I can't say it enough. So blessed. Seriously.

I will be posting more often now. I've gotten the writing bug back! Maybe I'll even post about my cruise from February. Geez, I'm so terrible.

Have a great rest of the week!
-katie

"Lady in Waiting"

I'm not perfect. Sue me. Since my last post, I had a minor breakdown about my singleness...

I broke down and just cried out to the Lord about my anguish regarding my lack of prospects. I was so fed up with nothing going on in that part of my life. The doubting thoughts were creeping in. "Am I ever going to find someone? Will I ever be able to let myself love someone, even though it scares me to my very core? Can I trust God to deliver on his promises? God wouldn't give me this desire and just snatch it away from me, would He?" These were the kinds of things that were going through my head.

And then I went to Georgia to see my godchildren. They moved there in the beginning of the year and I hadn't seen them for a little over 8 months, so I decided to take myself on a road trip! It was a welcome vacation. Relaxing. Full of laughter. A much needed break from my everyday life. Now, don't get me wrong, friends, my life is wonderful! I have an awesome family, wonderful friends, a great small group, and an incredible job(s) with incredible people. All that to say...it was nice to just get away.

So I get back to Arkansas and get back into my normal routine and those thoughts come back into my head. I wanted to punch myself in the face to get those thoughts out. Then it donned on me that I needed someone to talk to. Friends, if you don't have a mentor, GET ONE. They are the best things that God could've given you here on this Earth. And I am blessed with a few of the best people. The one that I called up, Laurie, helped me so so much. We go get some dessert and since we hadn't actually gotten the opportunity to sit down, laugh, and catch up on life in an embarrassingly long time. One by one, I laid my issues out there on the table. And one by one, she started responding. And people, you know you have an incredible mentor when they respond to your questions with thoughtful, godly answers that are biblically based and come straight from the Lord. Laurie was so encouraging in every way possible. And God knew that this was exactly what I needed. I'm so thankful for His timing even when it's not necessarily mine.

My singleness came up and her response just blew me away. You see, she was married and divorced leaving her with her son. Now, tell me. What is more terrifying than being single with a child? I can think of so many thoughts and questions that would creep into my mind if that were me. And she pointed those out to me, because they were in her mind as well. Talk about knowing what was in my head before I even had a chance to speak it. Oh...right. That's how God works. *EPIPHANY*

"But when you pray, go away by yourself, shut the door behind you,

and pray to your Father in private. Then your Father,

who sees everything, will reward you.

When you pray, don't babble on and on as people of other religions do.

They think their prayers are answered

merely by repeating their words again and again.

Don't be like them,

for your Father knows exactly what you need even before you ask him!"

--Matthew 6:6-8 [NLT]

So she recommended this book to me. Lady in Waiting: Becoming God's Best While Waiting for Mr. Right. Friends, this book has changed my life and my whole perspective on waiting for my man. It's a real eye opening book. I was reading the first chapter and I got about 2ish pages into it and I uttered the word "WOAH." That's how powerful it was. I set the book down and had to just take it all in. 

If you are in a singleness rut or know someone who is, recommend this book. It was so completely worth it. 

Hoping you guys have a great rest of the week and weekend! I have a busy one. 

-katie

Delightfully Waiting

I've been having a hard time lately. I think that it has finally set in that I am on my own. And while I love it. It's hard. After living almost 25 years at home with someone around almost all the time, it's rough to go from that to not really anyone around. Don't get me wrong, I like my "me" time. But, I guess I just wish that I had someone/something to fall back on. Someone who would always be there to just chat with me if I was bored or sad, etc.

"Take delight in the LORD

and He will give you

your heart's desires."

-Psalm 37:4 [NLT]

I am trying to cling to this verse right now. I've never wanted anything more in life than to be a wife and a mother. I've never had any career aspirations (that stuck) or goals in life other than that. I long to take care of my husband. I ache for children, whether they are biologically mine, or not. God-willing, I will bear children. But, that is not for me to decide. It is up to Him. And until the man that was created for me comes along, I will wait. I will wait on Him. I will pursue my relationship with Him. I will wait. 

I love the song that came out a few years ago with the movie, Fireproof. It's called "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller. Here are the lyrics. They are phenomenal.

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on you, Lord

And I am hopeful

I'm waiting on you, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting

I will serve you

While I'm waiting

I will worship

While I'm waiting

I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on you, Lord

And I am peaceful

I'm waiting on you, Lord

Though it's not easy

But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

I just love those words. In face, I just bought the song. Can't believe I didn't even have it already. It's one of my favorites. Anyway, I love these words. And I love that I still have plenty of time. I just get discouraged. I always feel like no one is interested in me. No one wants to get to know me better. Now, whether that's true or not, God wants me to get to know Him better. He wants me to want a relationship with Him. And I do. I love that I've been growing more the past few months. I've seen a change. A desire. And I like it. I'm thankful. 

Lord, I'm waiting on You

and your perfect timing. But, please Lord,

don't make me wait too long.

I love You. You have blessed me more

than I could've ever imagined

in the past few months.

I am thankful

and I will wait on You. 

Love, Me

Love is...

It has been a long time since I updated--obviously. October to April is a LONG time. So here's my update and some food for thought.

It's been a season of changes for me. And as scary as that has been...it was/is totally necessary. My mom got married in June of last year. Such a God-thing now that I look back on it, but me not looking at the bigger picture as He always does, I was totally against this guy. The wedding was a wonderful celebration. I was in good spirits, mainly because my mom was gone and I had the apartment to myself. Maybe a week or so later, I had a huge falling out with a friend of mine. We are--I'm not really sure how to put this--not on the same page? Disagreeing? Hardly speaking? One of those or a combination should work. I'm not really sure where we are at this point. That's a whole other post, that I'm sure I'll never write. My godson came to spend the week with me, which was incredible! Me and my two friends started planning what we call #friendcation2013. It was the most incredible trip of my life. I am so so thankful for these two women in my life. They are such a wonderful blessing! (I'll post about this trip veeeeeeeeeeeeery soon.)

Fast forward to several times over the next 6 months, where I had just HAD it with my mom and her husband. I was fed up and I finally prayed and basically just put it all out there. I prayed something like this, "God, I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like moving out is the answer to this whole thing, but I don't have what's necessary to move out. I need your help, your intervention. I need something, because if I don't move out soon, someone will die. I don't care if it's me, mom, or him--someone will die." Well folks, He answered my prayer and not long after that I met my now roommate! Y'all, I've always had a problem with God's timing, because it was never my own. But seriously, there's no way this would've worked unless God had ordained it in the timing He did. I'm just in complete awe of Him. Thankful and in awe. And I give Him all the glory, forever and ever, amen.

So, Allison is her name and I don't think I could've picked a better person to have in my life. We are both very laid back, nothing really ruffles our feathers at home. Both my roommates are older than me by 1 and 5 years. And I have to admit, I really like living with these older women. They are such a wonderful influence on me. They have made me want to pursue my relationship with God more than I have been. (I'm making them sound like they are old old. I just turned 25, guys, no worries! They are just such amazing women of God and I couldn't be more blessed to have them in my life. I've only known them for 3 months and they are becoming some of my best friends.

My post has turned into something I didn't mean for it to. That's what I get when I let my mind wander. Dang. Well, I'll go ahead and share my food for thought. Since I moved out, I have a couple of boxes here that I have yet to unpack, mainly because our lease is up in June and didn't want to settle just to have to pack up again. I'm also lazy...
I found two Bibles of my Dad's in a box. I was flipping through to see what words of wisdom my Dad had put in the margins and I came across this underlined passage:

"Love is patient, love is kind,

and is not jealous; love does not brag

and is not arrogant,

does not act unbecomingly;

it does not seek its own,

is not provoked,

does not take into account a wrong suffered,

does not rejoice in unrighteousness,

but rejoices with the truth."

--I Corinthians 14:4-6

He dated it too. Now this may not mean anything to most people, but I thought it was really neat. The date is 6/14/87. They found out they were pregnant with me almost a month later. I just thought that was the coolest thing. I love that God puts things in our path just when we need them the most. I miss my Dad everyday. But it's honestly getting easier. 7 years have passed for me and it does get easier. So, for those of you out there that have lost a loved one, parent, whatever--it gets easier to deal with living without them. It just takes time, and for me--prayer. Friends and family help a lot too. 

Ok, I'm gonna go hang out with my "little bro" Graham. Hopefully I'll be posting again soon about my trip! Can't wait! 

-katie