God has something bigger...

So, I know that God has been at work in my life the last few months. I just kind of don't want to admit it. In my grief I'm still in the anger stage. I've been in the anger stage on and off for about a year now...maybe more. I guess that I'm just so mad that I am missing out on all of the things that other girls are taking part in. I think of my sweet Cate, who lost her father 6 months after me, that cannot participate like she wants to in the Father/Daughter Dances put on by the school or Cotillion or whatever. Neither of us will have our daddy's to walk us down the aisle to our soon-to-be husbands. Sure we could both have replacements, but it's not the same. She could have her brothers or grandfather. I could have any one of my cousins, my grandfather, uncle, or family friend. Again I say...it's not the same. It's just not. 

 

I haven't been praying for a while (and I'm not going to define a while for anyone--I'm not even sure myself). But the idea of prayer has always been in the back of my mind with verses that pop up while I'm in my bible study group (love you girls) whether it be...

 

James 5:16, "When a believing person prays, great things happen."

 

or...

 

Isaiah 65:24, "I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!"

 

As I have come to learn (again), prayer is essential to my relationship with God. I hate this fact. I hate that I believe in a God who wants me to talk to Him even though I am completely mad at Him. But then, I love that I believe in a God who wants to have a relationship with me even though I am so angry with Him. Why does He want a relationship with me? I go against His Word ALLLLLLLL the time. I sin. I lie. I kill with my mind--which is just as good to Him. I'm jealous. Why me, God? You have so many better people in the world than me--Mother Theresa, Billy Graham, who else is ridiculously good? I don't understand it; but I don't have to. I have to trust that He is doing what He thinks is best with my life. I am speechless that He would even look my way. 

 

I guess I've learned my lesson about praying. I need prayer. I need a way to communicate to my Savior. Maybe I'll start slow. I would appreciate prayers for me. I'll explain why you're praying for me in my next post. 

 

katie