Waiting for him

Friends! God is teaching me so so so many things lately. It is EXCITING! And so just plain awesome that I know He is working in my everyday life.

So last night I met up with a friend and mentor of mine, Laurie. Laurie is that person that I can say whatever I'm feeling about a situation and she loves me anyway. She understands my feelings and then gives me a carefully thought out Godly response. One of the many reasons I love her so much.

I first met Laurie at my high school. I had her for study hall for a couple of years, I believe. I nannied for her and kept her daughter Kelley for a semester. She was, and continues to be, the most genuine person I have ever met. She honestly cares about me and my life. She takes time out of her busy schedule--teacher, mom of 4, wife, friend, and so many other things--to be there for me and I couldn't be more thankful for her. There will be an extra jewel in her crown for dealing with me when she gets to Heaven. ;)

So Lars, as she is more affectionately known, has been my go-to person when I want to (let's be honest) whine about my pitiful excuse for a love life. I have blogged many times before about how I long to be a wife and mother someday. But, during last night's meeting, we kind of glazed over that issue. We just addressed it, "where are you with this?" "how's it going?", and moved on. I thought that was kind of a big step for me. There are times when that is ALL I think and talk about. Literally. But then, there are times when I am thankful that I'm not committed to anything at the moment. {Vicious cycle}

I love when God teaches me something first thing in the morning. Not sure why, but I do.

I wake up this morning and do my usual social media check and found this video about adoption. It was the sweetest video with great wisdom in it. At one point the father said this:

"We prayed for a child but in our prayers,

there wasn't a face and there wasn't a name.

We were praying for a child--

just asking God to give us a child.

It wasn't just a child that we were waiting for,

it wasn't a child that God intended to bring to our family.

And those years of waiting weren't just because God decided

He wanted us to wait an arbitrary number of years

or go through an arbitrary experience.

All those years and all the waiting

and all those prayers were for him.

For Jacob.

For our son."

The bold is my favorite. After hearing that, I equated that excerpt to my situation and inserted the words my husband for a child and I was blown away. And here it is.

"I prayed for a husband but in my prayers,

there wasn't a face and there wasn't a name.

I was praying for a husband--

just asking God to give me a husband.

It wasn't just a husband that I was waiting for,

it wasn't a husband that God intended to bring to me and my family.

And those years of waiting weren't just because God decided

He wanted me to wait an arbitrary number of years

or go through an arbitrary experience.

All those years and all the waiting

and all those prayers were for him.

For him.

For my husband."

I almost cried when I put it in this perspective for me. It also put on my heart that I wasn't praying for him like I'm supposed to be. I need to be fervently praying for him. Never ceasing. I believe that God will give me my heart's desire and that He will go above and beyond what I ever imagined my husband, children, and life to be. 

"Take delight in the Lord

and he will give you your heart's desires."

Psalm 37:4 [NLT]

"Now all glory to God, who is able,

through his mighty power at work within us,

to accomplish infinitely more than

we might ask or think."

Ephesians 3:20 [NLT]

{I also love verses 14-19}

I will better myself while I am single. My husband is out there somewhere and I'm so excited to meet him! 

But I can wait...

-katie

Sing, Love. The Master is Listening...

One of my favorite authors and people of all time is Angie Smith. Angie Smith has written many books including I Will Carry You, What Women Fear, and her newest--a children's book called Audrey Bunny. I love the way Angie writes. It's as if you're sitting with her exchanging life stories over coffee. Six years ago, she and her husband Todd (lead singer of Christian group, Selah) found out that their daughter would not likely live outside the womb. They chose to let God have His way with the situation and gave Him the glory throughout the entire pregnancy and since.

Sing, love.

I found Angie's blog when I was 19 years old. My friend Sadie had been reading it and mentioned it to me for whatever reason. (God, obviously.) This was right around the time when I was grieving over my dad's 2nd death anniversary. I went to her blog site, sat there and read her story. I went back as far as I could and read and read and read. I laughed often. I cried a lot. But mostly I was just in awe of the way Angie relies on God. Her writing is truly fantastic as well. God gave her an amazing gift when he created her. Angie is really special to me. Her daughter, the one who passed away, Audrey and I share a birthday. I turned 20 the day she was born. My...our birthdays haven't been the same for 5 years. That day never passes without me thinking of Todd, Angie, and all 5 of their girls.

Sing, love.

Anyway, Angie wrote a devotional book recently, which I love. It's called Mended: Pieces of a Life Made Whole. Several of these chapters have stuck out for me, some of which I would love to write about. But tonight's read was the chapter entitled "He Loves You". She focuses on the sparrows and how God loves us more than them.

"What is the price of two sparrows--

one copper coin?

But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground

without your Father knowing it.

And the very hairs on your head are all numbered.

So don't be afraid;

you are more valuable to God

than a whole flock of sparrows."

Matthew 10:29-31 [NLT]

She talks about how she was searching for answers in her walk. "I decided I wanted to know what it was that made this bird so important. I had gone through a very dark time in my life, and I was looking for Him, for answers, for a reason to believe He even cared, let alone loved me." She says she "just wanted to know that she existed to Him."

Sing, love.

She continues on to say that she was reading an article on a specific bird. "I skimmed it until I came across a sentence that explained how this certain type of bird learned how to sing." She became overwhelmed at what she found. "...this particular bird cannot learn to sing in the daylight because it is always concerned with the chatter around it. Instead, its cage must be covered so that it is in complete darkness. Then it is able to hear its master and will learn how to sing." 

Sing, love.

Angie points out that even when we are in our darkest hour, He is there. And He loves you. 

-katie

You can find Angie and her story at her website here. Go. Read her and Audrey's story. You won't be sorry.

For The Good

I try to read a chapter in two different books as a part of my time with The Lord every night. Tonight, one verse kept making it's appearance. It's one of my favorites and it has definitely gotten me through a lot of times.

"And we know that God causes

everything to work together

for the good of those who love God

and are called according to

his purpose for them."

Romans 8:28 [NLT]

When my dad passed away unexpectedly almost 8 years ago, our pastor gave us this verse to cling to. And it has been a constant in my head ever since. 

One author pointed out that it says the word "everything". I never really thought about it before. He causes EVERYTHING--good, bad, even just so so--to work together for the good of those who love Him. 

That. Blows. My. Mind. 

Everything that happens to me is for my good. Wow. 

As hard as it is, sometimes, for me to wrap my mind around it, God took my Daddy for a specific reason. And I know this: I wouldn't be the person that I am today without that part of my journey. I wouldn't have the struggles that I have right now. I wouldn't be wonderful friends/mentors with certain people had I not lost my Dad. So many things about my life now would be different. 

Sometimes, when I'm remembering my dad on a good day, I will sit and just think about what my life would be like now and in the past almost 8 years. And sometimes, it's really hard to think about it. It's hard to think about what life would be like. Because. Well. I'll never know. 

But this verse. It has gotten me through. All I can tell you all out there is...God is who He says He is. He is the same God as when I was born over 25 years ago. He was the same God when my parents were having trouble and I asked my Dad to leave my mom if that's what he wanted. He was the same God when we lost our business. When my Dad fell. When his health didn't improve. When he died. And my God is the same today. And He will be the same tomorrow. And even in 25 more years. 

I love that. 

Enough

The last few weeks, I have been growing and I'm proud of myself. I've been reading my devotional and another great book about loving Jesus without limits. But one day a week or so ago, I realized the real reason I was reading my devotional, reading my Bible, and reading the "Christian book". It wasn't because I wanted to grow closer to God or to strengthen that relationship. It was because I secretly (God knows all my secrets) wanted to look like I've drawn closer to Him so that He would bless me in my life. Not just any area of my life...I want someone to love. I want nothing more in this life than to be married to a wonderful man who loves The Lord and will help lead me and the family we will have through this life with God's guidance. Nothing more. That will be enough for me. A loving husband and a family of my own.

When I came across this realization, I felt like a phony. I had been lying to myself and my God (He knew). Why couldn't I just be honest with Him and myself? I've begged Him for the man that I want. I've told Him how much I want this. And then I came across a verse in the Bible that has been a favorite of mine since middle school...maybe high school.

"Take delight in the Lord,

and he will give you

your heart's desires."

Psalm 37:4 [NLT]

I think I was reading this wrong though. I was taking this to mean that if I go to The Lord and basically pacify Him, He'll give me what I want. I won't have to keep this up after I get what I want.

Selfish. 

I cannot believe that I had that thought. But I did. I should've been focusing on this verse in the Scriptures. 

"But he said to me,

'My Grace is sufficient for you,

for my power is made

perfect in weakness.'

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly

about my weaknesses,

so that Christ's power may rest on me."

2 Corinthians 12:9 [NIV]

I love to compare different versions of the Bible.

"Each time he said,

'My Grace is all you need.

My power works best in weakness.'

So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses,

so that the power of Christ

can work through me."

[NLT]

"My Grace is all you need" God should be enough for me in this life. But I want more. I don't want to want more anymore. I want God to be enough for me. If I lose everything in this life I will still have my God. He should be enough for me. He is enough. I just have to change my ways of thinking. 

Thank you Lord for this revelation. Keep 'em comin'. :)

Hope y'all have a great week! 

-katie