Ups and Downs

You know those times...times when you want to crawl in a hole and just stay there until that bit of time passes? Well...I felt a bit like that yesterday.

A friend of mine that I haven't seen in years came into where I work (notice the anonymity) and we started chatting. I went to Elementary school with her son and she was my chaperone on a trip from those years. So we pulled the usual "how are you's" and "what have you been up to's". After those were answered, she asked how my parents' business was doing. I gave her a nervous chuckle and muttered something like, "oh, you don't know, do you?" And with a confused look on her face, I told her the dreaded news. "My dad passed away three and a half years ago," I said. Within milliseconds her confused look changed into shock. I briefly explained what happened and still shock covered her face. She conveyed her sincerest regrets and we went back to the bit of small talk that was happening before.

I never know how to handle those situations. Those people whom I haven't seen in ages say their sorry's and hug me with the most love they can possibly give, but I still feel bad. Not because it reminds me that my dad isn't with us anymore, but because I'm bringing sadness to them. I'm the type of person who is happy most all the time. That is my mood. Happy. But when I have to tell people about my dad going to be with Jesus, the mood drops. And there are only a few times when it recovers back to those happy moments before the horrible news, depending on the person and their view on life.

I hate those moments. I hate giving people news that is going to make them sad. I mean, they are expecting to hear, "Yeah, we still have The Hop and we are loving it! We are all doing amazingly!" Instead they are hearing, "He passed away three and a half years ago and we don't know why." It's very depressing having to tell them that. I know I'm not the only one who knows this feeling. It's awful.

Just a little rant...

-katie

"The Tragedy of the Unopened Gift"

Happy Fall, Y'all!!!!!

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It's Bible Study time here in the big L-R!

My church hosts Bible studies in the fall every year in different people's houses. It's a great time of year. We get to eat and just hang out with great people and worship Him by being in fellowship with fellow believers. It's such a great feeling! And I love my Small Group! Mary, Jennifer, Amanda (the hostess), Shawn, and Vicki are all in our group as of now. Anyway, we are doing a study from the book called, "If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat" by John Ortberg. It's a study about learning to trust God and it centers around Peter's adventure of walking on water.

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How much courage did it take for Peter to step out of the boat with all those other people back in the boat saying--no way, man, there's no way I'm getting out of this boat, I will sink! If I could just remember to keep my eyes on Him...I can only imagine what could be. I try to trust God with my whole heart but it is incredibly difficult. We always want to be in control. As a human being, we feel that we can handle anything that comes our way. But we can't. I can't. I am so incapable of doing the simplest thing without His hands. I truly do not see how people go through the hard times without Him. I can't imagine where I'd be if He wasn't my King.

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Sorry, I got side tracked. Sunday, we talked about gifts. We read Matthew 25:14-30; the story of the talents. Why did he give 5, 2, and 1? Why did the man with the one talent not invest his talent? Why didn't he seize the opportunity he was presented? Fear. Fear of what? Failure? Disappointment?

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Do you have a gift? What is it? You can tell me, really.

Are you doing something with your gift? If so, what? Go on! Tell me! I want to know...

If not, why not? It's ok...

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I have been thinking about my gift since that question was asked. Several answers have gone through my head and I still don't know if any of these are worth mentioning.

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Possible Gifts:

--Singing...I love to sing but I am horribly shy when it comes time to sing in front of others. I consider my voice a blessing that I can share. I love that my mom and I are able to sing together in church every so often. In the end, I'm singing to my Provider, my Comforter, and my Father.

--Children...I cannot express the joy that I feel when I'm with kids. I am definitely a kid at heart even though I'm only 21. I love their lust for life! Nothing is wrong in their world. The innocence in their smiles. Their carefree laughter. *Sigh* I wish I was 5.

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I'm so blind to myself. Do you have any suggestions? What are my gifts? I really want to know!

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I'd like to share a beautiful quote from author Gregg Levoy, entitled "The Tragedy of the Unopened Gift".

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"To sinful patterns of behavior that never get confronted and changed,

Abilities and gifts that never get cultivated and deployed --

Until weeks become months

And months turn into years,

And one day you're looking back on a life of

Deep, intimate, gut-wrenchingly honest conversations you never had;

Great bold prayers you never prayed,

Exhilarating risks you never took,

Sacrificial gifts you never offered,

Lives you never touched,

And you're sitting in a recliner with a shriveled soul,

And forgotten dreams, and you realize there was a world of desperate need,

And a great God calling you to be part of something bigger than yourself --

You see the person you could have become but did not;

You never followed your calling.

You never got out of the boat.

--Gregg Levoy

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I'm going to make a conscious effort to step out of my boat. Step out into unfamiliar territory and follow God's plan for my life. Follow my dreams. Do everything that I can for Him so I can hear the words that many before me have already heard, including my own father.

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"Well done, my good and faithful servant."

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Everyone has a gift. It is most likely that you have more than one gift. What's yours?

Speechless...

A lot of things are going through my head right now and I can't seem to pick which one to write about so, I'm not going to write about any of them.

Why? How? When?

One thing I know and want:

"But as for me, behold,

I am in your hands;

do with me as is

good and right in your sight."

--Jeremiah 26:14

Thank You, Lord, for this verse.

I'm so glad that I can put myself in God's hands and never have to worry about anything. He is my Provider (Mt. 6:11). He is my Comforter (Ps 69:20). He is the I AM (Exodus 3:14).

How can you not know?

--katie

Reevaluation

I just reread my blogpost entitled "Joy". I hate that I have focused on what my dad has missed. Why can't I focus on what he did while he was here with us? Well...here it goes:

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I don't know much about his life...but, I do know that he loved his childhood. He spent a lot of time with his grandparents. His grandmother who he called, Ging, was apparently an amazing cook, as was his mother. Ging and Grandad lived in an incredible house in Clarksville. I have been there and it is truly an amazing house. Wrap around porches have never been so appealing. It's beautiful and it has been named an historic landmark. My dad loved spending summers there with his sister, Bettye, brother, Fletcher, and cousins, Beth and Jane--and I'm sure a few others. Aunt Bettye, Uncle Fletcher, Beth, and Jane all tell amazing stories of those times. I live for those stories. There's a favorite story of mine that involves eating rotten Easter eggs and getting sick! :)

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I'm going to skip ahead to the last 30 years. Uncle Fletcher, Dad's brother, was getting married. Dad was apart of it, obviously. My mom's friend was the bride. So my parents met and were married 3 months later, I believe is how the story goes. November 3rd, 1978, a wedding was had and many attended. They said "I do" and spent 27 years together. Almost 10 years after they were married, they had me! What a blessing! *rolls eyes* ;) Frank and Connie became parents. They loved it and still do. I was a Daddy's girl with a best friend as a Mom. What a team!

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My dad went through several different job, which is where I get it from. He spent a lot of time in the food service industry. Cooking for KFC and Izzy's, owning The Spot & The Hop Drive-In, and several other places. Owning The Hop Drive-In was the best 6 years of our lives. We worked together as a family serving people, our favorite past-time.

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He always had great advice too: Follow your heart. Don't forget Whose you are. Love. Laugh at yourself. Dad wanted me to be a teacher and personally I can't think of anything I wouldn't want to do more. I guess he figured that I'm good with kids and am able to relate to them easily. I'm a kid at heart after all. And I love helping people, especially people in need.

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I am so blessed to have a man who loved me. Not only a father, but a Daddy. I love you, Daddy, and I miss you.

Artsy Fartsy

I love to doodle and create different things for people. Often pottery is my craft of choice. I always love going and picking out my colors and utensils and plate or bowl or whatever. But my favorite thing about creating these things is the look on the faces of the recipients! The look of absolute shock that I would think enough to do that for them. That's what I love to do though!!

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This particular plate below was made for *horn blows* a little girl named Kelley who I nannied for in 2007. And she is shown below the plate.

^^Kelley Grace

I made this plate when my childhood friend, Kali Sparks, passed away May 28, 2008. We went to pretty much all of school together--preschool through graduation. She was an angel and now she really does have her wings. I miss her. More so, I miss her presence in this world. We weren't very close but I will always miss her.

I made the below pieces just because I love art.

This is the inside of the above pictures. And the random yellow spots are just a reflection. The one in the middle is the only true yellow.

the end.

Joy

My mom and I were talking about my dad the other day. I was asking her if she had ever thought about what our lives would be like if he had not passed away. He would be all healed up and back to work. We would be living in a house. Both of my parents would have jobs. I would probably still be in college--getting ready to graduate in May, most likely. I might have a boyfriend. I could be engaged or very close to it. I'll never know.

I honestly cannot vividly picture my life if my dad were here. I can imagine all I want but in the end, it's me and mom. I would never have struggled with the trauma of his injury and his journey to meet his Maker. I wouldn't be grieving his death right now. I wouldn't have to avoid questions like, "What's your dad's name?" or "What does your dad do?". I could say, "My dad's name is Frank" and "My dad is a...".

But I also consider it a huge blessing. Sometimes I don't understand where this joy comes from. I can only rest in the fact that God gives me a joy to live. If my dad hadn't died 3 and a half years ago, I would never have met certain people. I never would've had the excruciating grief in common with them. We wouldn't be in the "Dead Parent's Club". I've always said "It's a club that I never want to welcome someone into." I would not have started babysitting Jackson, Cate, and Graham. I would never have talked to them about their dad. It's a continuous cycle of "I would never have". And you know what, I think I would've been happy because I wouldn't have known any different.

There are definite drawbacks though. He never saw me turn 18 and up. He didn't get to see me graduate high school. He didn't get to keep being apart of his church community. He didn't get to meet his brother's wife, daughter, and son in person. He's never seen the tears I have shed for him not being here. He won't get to meet my future husband. He won't get to approve or disapprove of him. He won't get to walk me down the aisle to give me away, although I think I have a good substitute--it won't be the same. And the most important of all, for me: he won't get to meet his grandchildren. He won't get to see them grow up or be able to tell them stories. I won't get to see the tears in his eyes when I tell him that he'll be a grandfather.

"Restore me to the joy of your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit,

to sustain me." Psalm 51:12

"Satisfy us in the morning

with your unfailing love,

that we may sing for joy

and be glad all our days." Psalm 90:14

and...my absolute favorite verse is:

"Let the morning bring me word

of your unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in You.

Show me the way I should go,

for to You I lift up my soul." Psalm 143:8

Be joyful. You never know what God's going to do next!!

Have Your Way

Britt Nicole's new CD, The Lost Get Found, has some amazing songs. "Have Your Way" is one of them. I've had this CD for almost a month now and hadn't gotten the message of this particular song until today and it really hit home. It talks about when you're in a place in your life that seems to be going no where. You know that God is with you but you haven't seen or felt Him in a while. My favorite part chimes in with:

"But you promised you'd take care of me,

So I'll stop searching for the answers,

I'll stop praying for and asking,

I'll trust you, God, with where I am,

And believe you will have your way,

Just have your way"

This song has such a great message...especially where I am in my life right at this moment. I just need to stop doing things on my own, relying on myself, and trust that God's plan is so incredibly fitting for me. I have to believe that God has me right where I'm supposed to be. I just have to say, "Just have your way, Lord".

But, how hard is that! We are human beings, so imperfect, that we always want to have control over our lives and the things that happen to us. The kicker is that we have NO control whatsoever of our lives or what happens to us. None of us knows when we will breathe our last breath. But we aren't supposed to know that. Romans 8:18 says,

"I consider that our present sufferings

are not worth comparing with

the glory that will be revealed in us."

Also, Matthew 24:36 says,

"No one knows about that day or hour,

not even the angels in Heaven,

or the Son, but only the Father."

If God wanted me to know certain things, He would've told me already.

I still owe y'all that last chapter from the book...next time?

-katie

Please Be Gentle

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving. The sea I swim in is a lonely one and the shore seems miles away. Waves of despair numb my soul as I struggle through each day. My heart is heavy with sorrow. I want to shout and scream and repeatedly ask 'why?' At times, my grief overwhelms me and I weep bitterly, so great is my loss. Please don’t turn away or tell me to move on with my life. I must embrace my pain before I can begin to heal. Companion me through tears and sit with me in loving silence. Honor where I am in my journey, not where you think I should be. Listen patiently to my story, I may need to tell it over and over again. It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss. Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead. Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable. A small flame still burns within my heart, and shared memories may trigger both laughter and tears. I need your support and understanding. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I must find my own path. Please, will you walk beside me?

I found this poem a couple of years ago and it completely depicts how I'm feeling.

Thank you to all who have been so patient with me in this process.

I love you all

-katie