Artsy Fartsy

I love to doodle and create different things for people. Often pottery is my craft of choice. I always love going and picking out my colors and utensils and plate or bowl or whatever. But my favorite thing about creating these things is the look on the faces of the recipients! The look of absolute shock that I would think enough to do that for them. That's what I love to do though!!

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This particular plate below was made for *horn blows* a little girl named Kelley who I nannied for in 2007. And she is shown below the plate.

^^Kelley Grace

I made this plate when my childhood friend, Kali Sparks, passed away May 28, 2008. We went to pretty much all of school together--preschool through graduation. She was an angel and now she really does have her wings. I miss her. More so, I miss her presence in this world. We weren't very close but I will always miss her.

I made the below pieces just because I love art.

This is the inside of the above pictures. And the random yellow spots are just a reflection. The one in the middle is the only true yellow.

the end.

Joy

My mom and I were talking about my dad the other day. I was asking her if she had ever thought about what our lives would be like if he had not passed away. He would be all healed up and back to work. We would be living in a house. Both of my parents would have jobs. I would probably still be in college--getting ready to graduate in May, most likely. I might have a boyfriend. I could be engaged or very close to it. I'll never know.

I honestly cannot vividly picture my life if my dad were here. I can imagine all I want but in the end, it's me and mom. I would never have struggled with the trauma of his injury and his journey to meet his Maker. I wouldn't be grieving his death right now. I wouldn't have to avoid questions like, "What's your dad's name?" or "What does your dad do?". I could say, "My dad's name is Frank" and "My dad is a...".

But I also consider it a huge blessing. Sometimes I don't understand where this joy comes from. I can only rest in the fact that God gives me a joy to live. If my dad hadn't died 3 and a half years ago, I would never have met certain people. I never would've had the excruciating grief in common with them. We wouldn't be in the "Dead Parent's Club". I've always said "It's a club that I never want to welcome someone into." I would not have started babysitting Jackson, Cate, and Graham. I would never have talked to them about their dad. It's a continuous cycle of "I would never have". And you know what, I think I would've been happy because I wouldn't have known any different.

There are definite drawbacks though. He never saw me turn 18 and up. He didn't get to see me graduate high school. He didn't get to keep being apart of his church community. He didn't get to meet his brother's wife, daughter, and son in person. He's never seen the tears I have shed for him not being here. He won't get to meet my future husband. He won't get to approve or disapprove of him. He won't get to walk me down the aisle to give me away, although I think I have a good substitute--it won't be the same. And the most important of all, for me: he won't get to meet his grandchildren. He won't get to see them grow up or be able to tell them stories. I won't get to see the tears in his eyes when I tell him that he'll be a grandfather.

"Restore me to the joy of your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit,

to sustain me." Psalm 51:12

"Satisfy us in the morning

with your unfailing love,

that we may sing for joy

and be glad all our days." Psalm 90:14

and...my absolute favorite verse is:

"Let the morning bring me word

of your unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in You.

Show me the way I should go,

for to You I lift up my soul." Psalm 143:8

Be joyful. You never know what God's going to do next!!

Have Your Way

Britt Nicole's new CD, The Lost Get Found, has some amazing songs. "Have Your Way" is one of them. I've had this CD for almost a month now and hadn't gotten the message of this particular song until today and it really hit home. It talks about when you're in a place in your life that seems to be going no where. You know that God is with you but you haven't seen or felt Him in a while. My favorite part chimes in with:

"But you promised you'd take care of me,

So I'll stop searching for the answers,

I'll stop praying for and asking,

I'll trust you, God, with where I am,

And believe you will have your way,

Just have your way"

This song has such a great message...especially where I am in my life right at this moment. I just need to stop doing things on my own, relying on myself, and trust that God's plan is so incredibly fitting for me. I have to believe that God has me right where I'm supposed to be. I just have to say, "Just have your way, Lord".

But, how hard is that! We are human beings, so imperfect, that we always want to have control over our lives and the things that happen to us. The kicker is that we have NO control whatsoever of our lives or what happens to us. None of us knows when we will breathe our last breath. But we aren't supposed to know that. Romans 8:18 says,

"I consider that our present sufferings

are not worth comparing with

the glory that will be revealed in us."

Also, Matthew 24:36 says,

"No one knows about that day or hour,

not even the angels in Heaven,

or the Son, but only the Father."

If God wanted me to know certain things, He would've told me already.

I still owe y'all that last chapter from the book...next time?

-katie

Please Be Gentle

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving. The sea I swim in is a lonely one and the shore seems miles away. Waves of despair numb my soul as I struggle through each day. My heart is heavy with sorrow. I want to shout and scream and repeatedly ask 'why?' At times, my grief overwhelms me and I weep bitterly, so great is my loss. Please don’t turn away or tell me to move on with my life. I must embrace my pain before I can begin to heal. Companion me through tears and sit with me in loving silence. Honor where I am in my journey, not where you think I should be. Listen patiently to my story, I may need to tell it over and over again. It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss. Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead. Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable. A small flame still burns within my heart, and shared memories may trigger both laughter and tears. I need your support and understanding. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I must find my own path. Please, will you walk beside me?

I found this poem a couple of years ago and it completely depicts how I'm feeling.

Thank you to all who have been so patient with me in this process.

I love you all

-katie

Philippians 1:3

This is the Willis family. Jeff and Margaret and their beautiful children, Jackson, Cate, and Graham. This picture was taken Easter of 2006. The last Easter for them to be a complete family. You see, Jeff passed away of cancer August 21st, 2006--3 years ago today. This family is so very special to me. They are strong and beautiful and loving. While they do have their differences and fights, the laughs are far more important and tangible. And are their laughs incredible!! I think that is my favorite part about kids. Laughing is healing to the soul. It has been my life's goal to never go a day without laughing and to pass that on to who I'm around. And I've definitely tried to pass that on to these amazing people.

Jeffrey Graham Willis, age 9, is so incredibly special to me. He is the baby of this family. He is smart as a whip, though. Graham loves to play drums--he wants to be a drum teacher. He is also very snuggly. He'll just come up and give me a hug for no reason. I love those random hugs!

Catherine Margaret Willis, age 11 (12 in October), is such a great friend. She and I could talk about anything or nothing at all. We could look at each other and just start laughing. We have definitely had our fights, just like any other friendship, but we always make up. God put Cate in my life for a huge reason. Both of our dads are gone now and that means we have a special bond. I have written before about how Cate and I will miss out on lots of different things in our lives with our fathers. I told Cate that if she ever wanted to talk or anything to call or come and talk to me; I just hope God reminds her of that.

Jackson Alan Willis, age 14, is the ultimate little brother! If I ever had a little brother, I think Jackson would be it! Jackson and I have a special relationship. We can talk about anything. Whenever we talk, we come out laughing. He is so incredibly deep in his faith and he knows who he is. He is just an incredible person all around!! I love him so much!

But whether they like it or not, they are a family minus one. And they are an incredible family all around. Margaret is such a great friend to me. She's always so supportive and loving. She's always willing to listen and give her opinion. I can't imagine my life without her friendship! She is absolutely the best!

Love them.

katie

Bow the Knee

"Lift your eyes toward Heaven and believe the One who holds eternity.

And when you don't understand the purpose of His plan,

In the presence of the King, bow the knee."

We sang this song in choir tonight. It really made an impression on me and it's so true. Sometimes we don't understand why things happen in our lives but we have to surrender to Him and trust that He knows how life is going to turn out for us.

I got a job at a special needs school here as a teacher's assistant. And I'm still not sure if I'm going to like it or if that's what I'm called to do. But He knows. I just need to bow to Him--surrender all to Him and let life happen as He intended all along. He has a plan for my life and I hope that I'm in that plan right now. I definitely feel like I am. Everything is falling into place just like I knew it would. It was hard, but I trusted that God would provide for me.

"All to Jesus I surrender

All to Him I freely give.

I will ever love and trust Him

In His presence daily live.

I surrender all, I surrender all,

All to Thee, my blessed Savior,

I surrender all."

Until next time...I still owe y'all a chapter.

katie

Untitled.

I miss my dad. I've been looking at his picture almost the entire day. I miss his laugh and the way he used to call me "Pea Baby". I want to be 10 again so I can have 7 more years with him. I almost want to go back to before it all happened and ask him not to go to work that day. But I know that my life wouldn't be the same. It's hard for me to imagine what my life would be like right now if my dad was here with us.  We'd definitely live in a house. I would probably be in school--going into my senior year in college. *Sigh*, I can't believe it's almost been 3.5 years...

 

As tears fall down my face, I keep thinking back to the last day that I saw him. My aunt (Dad's sister) took me home to clean up. I knew that there was a possibility that I wouldn't see him alive again. So, I went up to his bed and said, "Daddy, I'm leaving. I love you." He looked at me and blinked hard, almost like he was trying to keep from crying. I turned away so that I wouldn't cry. I turned back around to him and he mouthed, "I love you too."

 

What I wouldn't give to hear that one last time! I would give anything to hear that laugh again. I want to hear him call me Pea Baby or Sweet Pea. I want to talk to him about things--guys, family, God, friends. But I can't. And I hate it. 

 

I was not ready to say goodbye to him. I was not ready to let him go. He's having the biggest party in Heaven. He's laughing it up with his parents, friends, family friends, and all who've gone before him. 

 

I read a book once, 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper. Don went to Heaven for an hour and a half. He described it as indescribable with earthly words. He also described how he felt. He said that he felt whole, happy, and not thinking about who he left on earth. My dad's not thinking about us. He's not caught up in the fact that we are struggling. He's not heartbroken for us. I almost wish he was. But he has a smile on his face all the time. And what a great smile he had! He is worshipping his Creator every minute. But I just can't get it off my mind that he's not thinking about me. I think about him everyday. 

 

I'll never be the same.

Pics!!

Forever

So this weekend (9th-12th), I went to Children's Camp with the kids from my church. Some were annoying, some were great, and some were--well, there.    God was there the whole time. I felt Him around. I felt Him there, more than I have here in a while. The last night we worshipped together we sang the song "Forever" by Chris Tomlin. Those words have never hit me like this before.

    

"Forever God is faithful

Forever God is strong

Forever God is with us, Forever."

   

I could just sing that song over and over again. "His Love Endures Forever"

  

Why is God faithful? If God is faithful then why are we so mad when something horrible happens to us in our lives? Faithful means steadfast in affection, loyal, unswerving in allegiance. How are we supposed to trust Him again when something or someone is taken away from us? Faith. Why does He want us to trust Him so much? Because He wants us to tell Him everything, even if we are mad. Someone once told me if I'm mad at God, go out to a field just you and Him and just scream. Just yell at Him. Yell and tell Him that you are angry and that you hate the situation.

 

The theme at camp this week was Flip (Matthew 20:1-16). Flip your life upside down for Him. Chris Brooks was the speaker along with the band, The Chris Orr Band. Brooks pointed out to everyone there that you can't hide from God. He's always with us and He always has His eye on us.

 

"What is the price of two sparrows--one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it." --Matthew 10:29

 

That is oddly comforting. He is so aware of what is going on everywhere at the same time, even the sparrows are taken care of. He knows how many hairs are on our heads.

 

Anyway, I realized that I cannot hide the fact that I am mad at God for several things. But, does that fact keep me from having good days? I don't think so. God is still with me and I'm trying so hard to trust Him with my life. I fail so many times, but I try to pray everyday--at least once.

 

It's better for me to keep a prayer journal. It helps me to see my words and actually remember what I'm talking about.

 

Ok, so, I'm back from Camp. Woot! I'm trying to do the whole Photography thing now. I'll be posting some pictures to see what everyone thinks about some of them. Let me know!

 

Until next time...do I have another chapter to go in that book?

katie

Freedom and Memories

Happy 4th Everyone!!

 

I hope everyone was lucky enough to partake in some sort of fireworks! I did not :(

 

I missed my dad this weekend. Every year on the 4th of July weekend we would go somewhere--Branson or St. Louis! It's strange what hits you. I miss vacations with him. 

 

and that's about all I have for you right now.

 

no wisdom.

 

Until next time...Chapter 5...