Joy

My mom and I were talking about my dad the other day. I was asking her if she had ever thought about what our lives would be like if he had not passed away. He would be all healed up and back to work. We would be living in a house. Both of my parents would have jobs. I would probably still be in college--getting ready to graduate in May, most likely. I might have a boyfriend. I could be engaged or very close to it. I'll never know.

I honestly cannot vividly picture my life if my dad were here. I can imagine all I want but in the end, it's me and mom. I would never have struggled with the trauma of his injury and his journey to meet his Maker. I wouldn't be grieving his death right now. I wouldn't have to avoid questions like, "What's your dad's name?" or "What does your dad do?". I could say, "My dad's name is Frank" and "My dad is a...".

But I also consider it a huge blessing. Sometimes I don't understand where this joy comes from. I can only rest in the fact that God gives me a joy to live. If my dad hadn't died 3 and a half years ago, I would never have met certain people. I never would've had the excruciating grief in common with them. We wouldn't be in the "Dead Parent's Club". I've always said "It's a club that I never want to welcome someone into." I would not have started babysitting Jackson, Cate, and Graham. I would never have talked to them about their dad. It's a continuous cycle of "I would never have". And you know what, I think I would've been happy because I wouldn't have known any different.

There are definite drawbacks though. He never saw me turn 18 and up. He didn't get to see me graduate high school. He didn't get to keep being apart of his church community. He didn't get to meet his brother's wife, daughter, and son in person. He's never seen the tears I have shed for him not being here. He won't get to meet my future husband. He won't get to approve or disapprove of him. He won't get to walk me down the aisle to give me away, although I think I have a good substitute--it won't be the same. And the most important of all, for me: he won't get to meet his grandchildren. He won't get to see them grow up or be able to tell them stories. I won't get to see the tears in his eyes when I tell him that he'll be a grandfather.

"Restore me to the joy of your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit,

to sustain me." Psalm 51:12

"Satisfy us in the morning

with your unfailing love,

that we may sing for joy

and be glad all our days." Psalm 90:14

and...my absolute favorite verse is:

"Let the morning bring me word

of your unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in You.

Show me the way I should go,

for to You I lift up my soul." Psalm 143:8

Be joyful. You never know what God's going to do next!!