Preview!

I'm back.

It's been a while, friends. I'm sorry for my absence, but alas, I haven't had the energy--or the internet connection at home--to put my thoughts down into words. I have this problem a lot. Understandably so, because a lot has been going through my head this year ('11--who can believe it's already the middle of April?!). I think that may be the reason for my lack of posts. Again, apologies.

Well, I went to see my Godchildren again last month. I had the best weekend. Very unfortunate that I haven't been able to spend more than a weekend with them since October. I wish I had unlimited vacation time, you know? Although, there's a good chance that I would never show up to work. That is a huge lie, though. I love my job. This little boy is such a joy. He smiles and your heart melts. He laughs and you laugh. He hardly ever cries. Amazing child. He will be 1 in less than a month--May 4--and he's already walking!! I can't believe that I've been with this family since August, what's that...8 months? Insane. Hope they're not getting sick of me.

My birthday was last week. Yay for being 23! It's really not that exciting, so far. It's just more of a shock when people ask how old I am. They think I'm 15. Granted, sweet in every sense, yet somehow...disheartening? I'm unsure of the word I'm looking for. Well if I look at my life right now and really focus on where I am and where I thought I'd be by now, I could get really depressed and defeated. I wanted to be at least engaged or in a serious relationship by this age. I know it's young, but that's how I always pictured my life. I wanted to be a college graduate. Maybe in the next 5 years...

But, I am very happy with where my life is. Single. Great job. Wonderful family. Incredible friends. Amazing God (not in that order of course). I know this for sure, my life is nothing like I thought it would be. And that's ok. There are times that I wish I had the cookie-cutter life, but then where would the excitement and fear be. I have to rely on my family, friends, and most importantly God to get me through life. It's scary, but I love it.

I just found a draft of a blog entry that I started once, but never submitted. And it goes a little something like this:

"I have many ideas for my future. Marriage to a wonderful man. Beautiful kids. Many happy memories. But I know all of my future is not pretty. There will be rough times as well as the good. And how am I supposed to cope with what is to come?

I have wondered about that question a lot lately. I have been broken in asking myself that question this week. How am I supposed to cope with what is to come? It's a very big question. I would love to say that my immediate response was God. And in my head, it was. But, when you have lost something precious, you start to wonder. Wonder, in my case, if I can trust the One that my loved ones are with. I wonder if I can see things through His eyes. I wonder if my past and present feelings will resurface and/or continue. Will they? Will the Enemy take over my brain and convince me once again that God did this on purpose, so I can learn something? I dare say, he could. But I have hope. I hope that God will sustain me in that time. I hope that He will be enough for me. I hope that He will not let me stray from Him. I am His.

Lately, I have been questioning things: life, God, everything. It's been hard this week. For the first time in my life, I realized...(and it kills me to say it, and admit it on the internet), that my relationship with God is purely acquaintance-like. Honestly, I hate it. I hate that I am mad at my Creator. At the One who saved me from eternal damnation. I would go to asking, "Why?", but it doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. So, how do I move past it all and hope to cope in the future?

Worry consumes my thoughts. I'm 22 years old and have lost my father. I worry that my mother won't be around to see my kids. Yes, I have my extended family and very close friends who would step forward, but it's completely not the same. I worry. I hope. I'm trying. I'm trying not to worry. I'm trying to trust again.

I put my life in His hands once. It's always been in His hands, I just like to think that I can handle things. I cannot. I will have to start trusting Him. That is a scary thought after almost 5 years of questioning trusting Him."

In a lot of ways, I still think like this person did. I still have a hard time trusting God and sometimes even man. I still question how will I be able to move on. I'm a year older now. I'm 23. With age comes wisdom? I wish. And I think to a certain extent, it does. But, at the same time, I think circumstance has an important role as well. 

I think back to this year's anniversary of my Dad's death and thank God for his revelation to me. I can't think of a better way to wake up on that day than God saying to me, "It's time to live again." It hit me like a ton of bricks, but it was worth the wake up call.

So, to abruptly end a post...

A New Beginning

I haven't had internet for a long time now, and I realized that I left something out of my last post. 

February 2, 2011 I woke up and I heard that Still Small Voice that you always hear stories about. I distinctly remember hearing it only once before. This Still Small Voice said, "It's time to start living". You see, since my dad passed away 5 years ago, I don't think I've been living. Going through the motions has been my day to day life since I lost my daddy. I hate to say that this is true and has been the norm for years now, but it is true. A month ago I heard His Voice and it has changed my view on life. I am so very grateful for that. It hasn't been a big change just yet, but I notice something different. My attitude toward life and most things that come my way has changed. I am much more relaxed about things that would normally set me on edge. 

This year, on the anniversary, I had a wonderful day. It was a day full of smiles, wonderful talks, and laughs. I wondered if a day like that would ever happen. One where I was truly happy. Well it did!

I'll never forget that day. It was a new beginning, thankfully. I hope and pray that it continues to be.

UPDATE: My cousin is coming home from Afghanistan in April! I am so excited and thankful for this! He is excited to see his wife, son, family, and friends. He lives in TN, so I hope he gets to come here to visit before his 2 week leave is up. I miss him so much. Pray for his safety between now and when he comes home and definitely going back and while he's there until August when he comes home for good. I pray this time flies for his wife and son who miss him immensely.

"It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it." --Lena Horne

-katie

5 Years--A Landmark Year

For so many years(2 months shy of 18 years), I memorized his face. I know the unique colors of his iris. I know the wrinkles around his eyes. I know where his hairline begins, mainly because I have it too. I know how his ears were: big, but perfect--I got those from him too. I know his mustache and his scruffy chin. His sun-dried leathery hands are engraved in my mind. Not only did I memorize his features, I memorized his personality. I knew him always joking--always. Always finding a punchline like Chandler in "FRIENDS", only better. And whenever I'm laughing, I can't help but hear his laugh, his contagious, hearty, belly laugh.

These memories are etched on my heart and burn onto the memory card in my brain. 5 years ago today, I lost him. I could no longer memorize him, because he was gone--just like that. All it took was 3 weeks. Now, I have to remember him. Because he was and is to this day, my Daddy.

But, how could I forget him? How could I forget the way he snored after falling asleep on the couch? How could I forget the way he held me when I was sad? How could I forget the way he called me "Sweet Pea" or "Pea Baby"? I'll never forget the song we made up and sang on our Father/Daughter fishing dates. I'll never forget the way he smelled--Irish Spring soap and Old Spice deodorant. I'll never forget him. How could I?

It's hard for me to believe that this day is finally here. I never thought I would get to this day. 5 years is a landmark year. And in a way, I'm glad it is here.

I had a wonderful day. My Goddaughter, Tori, has been here since last Wednesday, which was wonderful! I dropped her off at the airport around 1 and went to meet a very good friend for lunch. I met my former teacher and current friend, Teresa Walker. We had wonderful fellowship. I am so thankful for our time together. We talked about everything. And it was wonderful to catch up. And I went to keep baby Kate, who always makes me smile. Today was a great and I think Dad would be proud of how far I've come. I'll miss him everyday of my life, but I'm so thankful for this valley that happened in my life.

Thank you God for this opportunity.

Hope you all are keeping warm. Tell someone that you love them this week.
-katie

How Can I Keep From Singing?

My life lately has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. This year has been very interesting, but overall, I think it's been good.

I started out the year with Upward Basketball, which turned out to be a success! Great kids and lots of fun. The 4th anniversary of my Dad's passing came and my bad day was lifted. A boy that I used to/kinda still babysit accepted Jesus as his Savior. I was and am so proud of Graham! He has shined this year and I can't wait to see what our God has in store for him in the future. I attended baby showers/births, movies, concerts, birthday parties, weddings, and funerals. I went to Texas twice, thankfully--was named Godmother to 4 wonderful children! I've sang. I had a birthday. I flew to DC for the first time and flew by myself for the first time and road-tripped it back with my best friend. I've laughed. I met 2 blog friends, Katie and Angie--Blessings, both of them. I babysat and housesat like nobody's business. I attended voice lessons. I babysat some more during the summer. I've cried. I saw my cousin get married and then leave for Afghanistan. I've wondered. I've talked with Cate and Tori and Jackson individually and I've been blessed each time. I've taken pictures, great pictures--pictures that capture memories. I joined a small group. I saw WICKED. I shopped. I hugged. I met the man my mom's been seeing. I've cried. I've asked questions and I've doubted. I prayed when a high school classmate of mine fell and hit his head. I'm praying still. I have celebrated and I have grieved this year.


Like I said, roller coaster. But those little things like, "I've laughed" and "I've sang," makes this year totally worth it. Graham received Christ as his Savior. That makes this year worth it. Being named a Godmother makes it totally worth it. I am so thankful for this year, but I hope and pray that 2011 will be even better.


Even though things have been wonderful, bad, great, terrible and fine this year, I can't help but thank God for his blessings. How can I keep from singing praises to my Father? I can't. No matter how bad things get in my life, I can always sing. I love that. I love that God gave me that joy. And honestly, I've never noticed it until right this second. If I'm ever mad or frustrated, I take a drive and I sing. As soon as I return home or back to where I was, I'm instantly in a better mood. However I choose to sing. Crazy. Angry. Humbled. Prayerful. It's an outlet for me. I'm so thankful for it.


I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. I hope you reflected on Christ's birth instead of getting presents. I know, I need to work on that too. I should be happy to be alive, instead I'm worried about having enough presents under the tree.


Have a wonderful New Year!
katie

~Live~Laugh~Love~

PRAYER REQUEST!

Ok Prayer Warriors, I need you!!

A friend of mine, that I graduated with, Mark Webb, is in the hospital. He fell out of a truck on the 21st of November. He has inter-cranial pressure at the level of about 15, which is decent, but we need it to be at 0. God can do this. And His Word says, "Again, I assure you: If two of you on earth agree about any matter that you pray for, it will be done for you by My Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there among them."[HCSB] Let gather together and pray for Mark's healing. 


God, spare Mark's life. He is a wonderful guy who loves you and serves you. Heal him and let this be a testimony to you in his life. Bless and comfort his family through this time. Thank you in advance for Mark's healing.

Amen.

Birthdays, Baptisms, and Fairy Wings

This week has been incredible!! And my weekend isn't even over yet. God has truly blessed me. I have never felt it as much as I do right now. It's almost overwhelming. The week started out with 2 days of Pierce. Precious, to say the least. He was so good!! And he's almost to the point of sitting up on his own. He still falls over, but he can sit up for a LOONG time! I am so proud of him! He will be 6 months old on November 4th, I believe. He's getting so big!!

See?? So big. Yet, oh, so precious!

I am currently on vacation. Starting on Wednesday, I flew to see the Tucker's, who I used to babysit. I went to visit them in April, if you remember. Had a blast, and so far, this trip is FAR surpassing that one, for 3 reasons!

Reasons #1:

Tori's Birthday was October 28th. 15 years old. (I know your jaw just dropped, Sadie!) It boggles my mind that that 9 year old little girl is now a freshman in high school. She is so mature and loving AND she's taller than me (not cool). She is so incredibly beautiful and I cannot believe she is already 15. I was 16 when I started babysitting them!! Crazy!

**Background (before Reason #2): Tori was 9 when I first came to them. Kaleb was 2(almost 3). Trinity was 1(almost 2). And Cameron was a brand new-came home from the hospital-baby. And now, Tori is 15. Kaleb will be 10 in March. Trinity will be 8 is January. And Cameron will be 6 on Friday the 5th. Insane, I say. I cannot believe how time has flown and how fast they're growing up, which is guess is the same thing, if you think about it.

Reason #2:

Tori was baptized on Halloween!! I am so beyond proud of her. She has wanted a relationship with God for as long as I've known them, really. But something was always still getting in the way. She was and still is to a certain extent, really shy and quiet. Sometimes you have to pull her thoughts out of her, happy or upset. She's complicated, as are all women. So a while back, (not sure how long) her mom, Holly, talked to her about asking Jesus into her heart and having a relationship with Him. They talked for weeks, I think, and after a while she decided that was something she wanted to do. *Beaming with pride here* So Tori asked Jesus to be the Lord and Savior of her life. And now, she is finalizing it with baptism. I couldn't be more proud of her if she were my own.

Which brings us to...

Reason #3!:

This is my favorite one, and I won't beat around the bush or stall in the revealing of this particular reason why this trip has been sooo much better than the April trip! I mean, how could I do that to y'all? You have busy days with work and studying or both, and who knows if you really even have time to read this. It is a little long. And there's pictures to look at. They're good, right?? I love photography. Oh, wait, I'm getting sidetracked! And reason #3 is....

Holly asked me to be the children's Godmother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am beyond elated, if you couldn't tell. And I'll never forget the moment she asked me--where else, but in a Walgreen's parking lot. And I wouldn't have changed it for the world. I thank God for this opportunity. I still can't believe it. Again with the beaming with pride. It means so much to me that Holly and David would think that much of me to hold me responsible for their children if something happened to them. *BEAM* Wow. I know it's a huge undertaking, not that it's going to happen anytime soon. My question is "When do I get my fairy wand and wings?"

God has truly blessed the socks off of me, clearly because I'm not wearing any. Small joke. Sorry. But seriously, I cannot thank Him enough for this weekend and what it means to me. There's no way. 

I praise my Father for this weekend. I give Him all the glory. I can't even fathom my life without him! I hope that you see something amazing from God today.

I will post baptism pictures later, I don't have them loaded yet! 

Love to all,

-katie

Footprints

One night a man had a dream. He

dreamed he was walking along the beach

with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes

from his life. For each scene, he noticed two

sets of footprints in the sand; one belonging

to him, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed

before him, he looked back at the

footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the

path of his life there was only one set of

footprints. He also noticed that it happened at

the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he

questioned the Lord about it. "Lord,

you said that once I decided to follow you,

you'd walk with me all the way. But I have

noticed that during the most troublesome

times in my life, there is only one set

of footprints. I don't understand why when

I needed you most you would leave me."

The Lord replied, "My son, My precious

child, I love you, and I would never leave

you. During your times of trial and suffering,

when you see only one set of footprints,

it was then that I carried you."

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--Unknown

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During any sad time, it is easy to turn away from God and rebel. But those are the times when He is the closest. If you listen closely, you can even hear His heartbeat. I thank God for this comfort.

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Hope y'all are having a wonderful Sunday! Pray for safety as I fly back to Little Rock from San Antonio. Pictures are coming soon!! This upcoming post might just be my favorite, ever.

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-katie

Still Standing...

I've been in such a dry spell lately, blog-wise. Well, in other ways too, but that's another post. I've had all the words that I could ask for, but somehow, I couldn't seem to put it on here. I couldn't form my words and get them down in an organized form. Believe me, I've tried. I've started almost 10 posts since the last time.

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I try and try to find the words I'm looking for to give you an idea of how I'm feeling. But it never works, due to either, revealing more than needed (because I still don't know who all reads this), or I get so frustrated that I just stop altogether and ditch the project. But it's time to get back into the game. It's a new month (my favorite, by the way) and I'm going to BLOG!!

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Saturday was Cate's Birthday!! I helped out with my church's youth group's Amazing Race for most of the day! We went to Petit Jean Mountain. It was a beautiful day and lots of fun! But the most fun of that day was getting to spend it with the birthday girl!! :) She is so special to me.

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Happy 13th Birthday Cate!!

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On the other hand, I'm struggling with some things that I would love your prayers on. Intercede friends, intercede. My mom and I are having some issues. That's all I will say. It's been a thing for a while now, but it's getting worse and I'm at a loss at what to do.

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In better news, I have the best job. Pierce is 5 months today, I believe. He is the most precious baby, and the best baby! He is all smiles ALL the time. It is such a joy to watch him learn and discover his world. He makes me laugh which is incredible! And, of course, his parents are wonderful!!

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I hope you are having a decent if not wonderful Monday! Have a wonderful week!

-katie

Breaking Free

I'm starting a new book/Bible study called, "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore. I'm so looking forward to getting into this book and literally break free of everything that is holding me back. I want to discover the victory of total surrender, which is kind of the second title of this book ["Breaking Free: Discover the Victory of Total Surrender"].

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I will hopefully be reading a chapter a day or more and I hope to post my thoughts or an excerpt or two from the book.

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Pray for me as I enter into this book.

-katie