thoughts of a beggar

Babies, Babies, Babies!!

2012-01-27T08:49:00.001-06:00

Today is the day I've been waiting for for almost 9 months! Today (or tomorrow) I will get a brand new godson!!! Mr. Kayden Thurman Lewis Tucker will come into this world and will become apart of a family that already loves him so much! I cannot wait to meet this little guy! And for those of you keeping count, yes--I will have 5 godchildren after this weekend! I CAN'T WAIT!

When I go visit my godchildren, I stay in Dallas overnight before I go down to San Antonio. And I thank God for this family that I stay with. Family friends of mine. They are precious. And the middle of last month, they had their first baby girl, Jessica Rhys Hilton! Baby Rhys (pronounced Reese) is absolutely precious! Too cute for words! I love loving on her and talking to her. I learn so much from everyone I'm around and I love it. I learn everything from cooking, to parenting, to life lessons, to anything else. I learn about people's lives that I have never even thought was possible. And I learn a lot about myself and who I want to be. I've got a lot of work to do, folks.

I am praising God today for new life. Takes my mind on the upcoming week...when I lost life. But, that's another post. And believe me, it's coming.

"Every child born into the world

is a new thought of God,

an ever-fresh and radiant possibility."

--Kate Douglas Wiggin

"Every child begins the world again."
--Henry David Thoreau

“I sing for joy at the works of Your hands.”

Psalm 92:4

“Every good and perfect gift is from above.”

James 1:17

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb."

Psalm 139:13 NLT

"Every time I think of you,

I give thanks to my God.

[...]

And I am certain that God,

who began the good work within you,

will continue his work until it is finally finished

on the day when Christ Jesus returns."

Philippians 1:3&6

God, I pray for this new life coming into the world this weekend. I pray that you will bless his life and give him all that you have already laid out for him. God let your will be done with Kayden. Let him know he is loved and cherished and that he will always have a place to go. Let him find you and continually and eagerly seek your will in his life. Thank you for blessing me with all 5 of my godchildren, Tori, Kaleb, Trinity, Cameron, and now Kayden. They each mean so much to me and I love them so much. Thank you for Holly and David and for their friendship to me. I pray you surround them with your angels and protect them from the Evil One. Thank you, Father, for all you've done.

Amen.

-katie

Goals?

2012-01-23T09:50:00.001-06:00

My life might be officially on the way to starting. After nineteen days of searching and waiting and applying, I finally have a job! I'm going to be a bank teller at a bank here in Little Rock. I am so beyond thrilled. This is the job that I wanted and I'm so glad that it all worked out. I have a good feeling that God has something up his sleeve for me on this path. I am praising God and giving Him the glory for this opportunity! I am trusting that He is going to get me through the next month with all the learning this new job entails, not to mention studying for school as well.

Lately I've been thinking about "my plan" for my life. I know that God laughs every time someone talks about their plan for their life. We are human. Imperfect. So we do things like, think we can plan out our lives like we think they'll turn out. I've already failed at my life plan, so I'm not even sure why I still have one. Well, I don't really have one anymore... But, my life plan included graduating from college at 22, getting married anytime in my 23rd year of life, start having kids at 25. That's really all I had on my life list because for my entire life, the only thing I've ever wanted to do in my life is be a wife and mother. I've never had any career goals for my life. Well, I've never really had any other goals either. I've always wanted to travel, but I always wanted to be a Mom more. I guess I always figured I'd just travel with my family. I do want to travel with my family, give them culture and such. There's not really a point until they're old enough to enjoy and remember it. There will always be pictures, but I'd rather my kids have pictures AND memories. I guess I just want the best of both worlds.

But, even more lately, I've been wanting to travel and not just to see my godchildren. I want to go to different places and just explore the cities. These are the places I want to go as of right now(that I can think of):

San Diego, CA
Hawaii
Italy
England
Israel
Boston, MA
Savannah, GA
South Carolina

That's all that I can think of at the moment. Other goals of mine are to graduate from college, eventually (I have no time limit on this). To, one day, be a wife and a mother. To fall in love with reading and exercising (not at the same time). And to realize what I want to do with my life, career wise.

I think those are pretty reasonable goals right now, especially when I don't have a limit on when they should happen. Maybe? Maybe not. I don't have a clue.

-katie

Mary's Faith

2011-12-23T08:27:00.003-06:00

So, I'm back from Springfield! Well, I've been back since Sunday afternoon, but I'm just now getting to write. It was INCREDIBLE. I got to see my cousin and his wife, their baby girl, and my aunt, Addi's grandma! I got to hold Addi for the first time and boy, was it spectacular! I've never been that close with a birth before. It's always been a friend giving birth. It's never been a family member that I've been this close with before. Jarrod and Caira are like a brother and sister-in-law to me. So, in turn I feel like an aunt. Self-declared, of course.

On another note...

The last few Christmases have been really different for me. Obviously because of my dad's passing, but it seems more than that. I'm more thankful or less shallow than before. It's been strange to see the transformation of the holidays in my eyes. But, in a way, I'm glad for it. I'm glad the presents really don't matter anymore. It's about spending time with the ones you love, family and friends. And most importantly, it's about the birth of the One who came to save the world.

This time of year, I love reading Luke 1:26-38, the "Birth of Jesus foretold". It tells of the angel visiting Mary and prophesying the fact that she was going to have a son despite her having never been with a man. It's such an incredible account of what happened back then. And what shocks me the most isn't the immaculate conception, but Mary's willingness. She doesn't even argue with the angel or call him crazy or laugh like Sarah did when the angels told her and Abraham they would have a baby boy by that same time next year. She just says,

"I am the Lord's servant.

May everything you have said

about me come true."

-Luke 1:38

She accepts what the angel told her. Without question. That is just mind-blowing to me. I can't say that I would have that same faith without any type of questions, details, or anything of that nature. Can you? I try not to measure the faith of myself and those around me, but I feel like Mary, even at her very young age, had more faith than I can even imagine. Bible experts and historians put Mary at about 13 or 14 at this point, making Joseph around 23 or so. It's just indescribable, this story of the miracle birth. Maybe this will be the Christmas that changes everything.

I hope you all have wonderful holidays. Merry Christmas to you all! and Happy New Year if I don't write again before then.

-katie

Semi-Update

2011-12-14T20:16:00.000-06:00

I've had this week off because the parents of the family I work for are in Florida on vacation and Pierce is with his grandparents. It's been so nice to wake up whenever I want (more like can), take a nap whenever I want, go out and do whatever I want when I want. It's just been incredibly relaxing.

Tomorrow, I will head north to Springfield, MO to see my cousin, his wife, and their new baby, Addi! I cannot wait to meet this little girl! She is so loved already--more like spoiled already! My aunt will be there too and I'm excited to see her since I haven't seen her since a week or so before Addi was born. Can't wait!

Tonight, I got to see my baby Kate. And needless to say, I was excited to see her and her parents. I haven't seen them in two weeks.

There will be a post coming next week from my baby weekend! Looking forward to it!

-katie

Babies and Hope

2011-12-08T10:23:00.002-06:00

quick Gilmore Girls quote:
"Aww...babies!!" -Rory
"I never want to hear that come out of your mouth again." -Lorelai

Sunday, I got to hang out with my sweet friend (who's basically my sister), her son Bear, and her baby boy Judah. I just love holding this sweet baby. He's so smiley and coo-ey. So sweet. Anyway, I loved spending some time with them. They are so special to me.

Monday was a very special day in the life of my family. My cousin and his wife had their sweet baby girl, Addisyn Preslee Dortch. She was born at 3:08pm, December 5th! 9 pounds and 2 ounces! Big girl! She is precious and beautiful. Looks just like her daddy. Girls who look like their daddies are special. I should know. I look exactly like my daddy! It's a blessing and it creates such a bond between baby and daddy. Anyway, Addisyn is completely precious. I'm going to visit next weekend and I could not be more excited!

Daddy (my cousin, Jarrod) with Addi

I got to see an ultrasound picture of my soon-to-be godson, Kayden Thurman Lewis Tucker! I cannot wait to meet this little bundle of joy! I love him more than he will ever know. That goes for all of my godkids. And for those of you who are keeping up, I will have 5 godchildren come February. I love all the craziness that accompanies 5 kids. I just hope God is preparing me if anything ever happens to where I get them. I pray He is. I'll cross that bridge when I get there. And that will probably be another blog altogether.

Kayden Thurman Lewis Tucker

Today is a special day in the life of the people I call family. My "sister" is having her first baby girl sometime today. She went in last night to be induced this morning! Little Amelia Jane Johnson will be here sometime today! I am overjoyed for Kirstin and Glen and their families! I really admire Kirstin. I have for a long time. She's very grounded in her faith and yet has a firm grip on the realities of the world. She has waited for her chance to be a wife and a mother for longer than she liked, I'm sure. But through patience and God's faithfulness, she married a wonderful man who takes care of her and loves her. And now she's going to be a mommy to what is going to be the luckiest, most beautiful little baby girl. I'm just so happy for her.

I'm thankful for Kirstin's journey, because it's giving me something to look forward to. I know I'm only 23 and have my whole life ahead of me, but I just feel hopeless--like it's never going to happen for me. I feel like I'm never going to have the full package. The house, the husband, the kids, the family, the life, etc. I'm praying it will happen. God wouldn't give me the strong desire for these things and then not give them to me, right? Right? I just don't know anymore... I pray that God is faithful in giving me what I desire. That's what His Word says. I believe the Bible is Truth.

"Delight yourself in the LORD

and He will give you the desires

of your heart. Commit everything you

do to the LORD. Trust Him and

He will help you. He will make your

innocence radiate like the dawn, and

the justice of your cause will shine

like the noonday sun. Be still in

the presence of the LORD, and wait

patiently for Him to act."

--Psalm 37:4-7a

I'll find out one day...

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
-katie

Philippians 1:3

2011-11-23T09:04:00.000-06:00

This weekend, I realized what I'm really thankful for this year.

I'm thankful for time. I'm thankful for time with people, time with God, and just time in general.

I never realized how much time I take for granted with the ones I love. Spending time with my family and friends has always been a bit rushed so that I could go on to the next thing. It kinda feels a bit like an obligation. And it hasn't been until this year that I've really realized how much I love the time I spend with my friends and family and how much I don't want that time to end. I should've realized this completely a long time ago. I should've realized it when my dad was in his final weeks of life. Well, in all honesty, I should've realized it before then, but hindsight, right?

And now, when I'm spending time with family and friends and anyone else, I relish those moments. I take it all in and savor it. I did it last night when I was hanging out with 2 of my sisters. I'll do it again tonight when I hang out with one of my best friends. And yet again this 4-day Thanksgiving weekend. I am so blessed and so thankful.

Love the ones you're with when you're with them and always. They might not make it to the next time. You never know. Tell them you love them while they are here. Tell them how important they are to you. That will be important for you when they leave this Earth.

I'm thankful. Are you?
-katie

Morning Rant

2011-11-18T08:07:00.001-06:00

Since my last post, I've been thankful for life (no specific day necessarily).
I've been thankful for common sense and the ability to know right from wrong. (Is that the same thing?)

I woke up this morning, earlier than usual. I showered and got ready. I had a little time before I had to leave for work, so my mom and I started talking--mistake #1. We talked about family and such. She had mentioned that my aunt (who lives out of town) never helps out with their mom, which, however true that is (only slightly), Mom doesn't exactly spend time with their mom much either. She'll do things for her like go get her prescriptions and go get lunch for her, but not like we used to. We used to go to dinner with Granny at least once a week, sometimes even twice. I still do, but Mom doesn't. Why, you ask? Oh, because in her words, "I'm busy." Oh, she's not busy. Let's talk about busy for a second. The only real time that I have Sunday-Saturday, is Friday night, Saturday, & Sunday after church. I have no time during the week to do anything. Period. That will all change soon. But, she would just rather spend time with her fiance, that she doesn't spend a day apart from. And what do they do? They watch TV, have dinner, and talk. Swamped, she is. Anyway, I told her all of this and she had nothing to say back. She said, "you're right." I'm thinking, what's new?

I just all of a sudden got frustrated about life this morning. I'm sick of the way I feel all day long. I hate going to work. I hate being bored out of my skull every single day. I hate the way I feel about my mom sometimes. I hate that I don't have a clue what I'm going to be doing in 6 weeks when my job ends. I hate the way I look. All I want is a plan. I want to know part of the future. I want to know if I should really be a teacher or if God has something else for me. I'm so sick of not knowing things. I put my life in God's hands and I'm glad I did. I would just like a little hint of my future. I plan on trusting God the entire way. Just.... Anything?

Hope this made sense. If it didn't--I don't care. I feel better getting it out.
-katie

P.S. Today, I'm thankful for the weekend.

Days 12 & 13 & 14

2011-11-14T10:52:00.000-06:00

Day #12:
November 12th--

Saturday, I was and still am thankful for family, especially my aunt and grandmother. We woke up early and went on our yearly trip to Holiday House, which is kind of like a vendor type deal. Different vendors came from all over the state, south, and beyond. There was someone there from PA! Anyway, They just sell their product. They have everything from cooking utensils to Christmas ornaments to clothes to all kinds of pointless things. I was thankful for a day just to shop and spend time with family. My aunt and I have gotten so close since my dad passed, which I love. And my grandmother and I are very close. We see each other, usually once a week. She spoils me and so does my aunt.

Day #13:
November 13th--

Yesterday I was thankful for rest and music. I had absolutely nothing to do yesterday which was the most beautiful thing in the world. I took a nap and was lazy almost the entire day. Yesterday, at my church, we dedicated our organ. So we had a special recital that featured a couple of wonderful organists. David Howard Pettit played some beautiful numbers including some of his original works. I am in awe of what this organ can do. It has a setting that can sound like a woman/women and man/men singing alleluias and amens. It was eerily amazing. My jaw was on the floor--just the coolest thing.

Day #14:
November 14th--

Today I am thankful for wonderful opportunities. I'm thankful for my job. I'm thankful to come into a loving home and take care of the cutest 18-month-old in the world! I'm thankful for the last 14 months with this family. Being a nanny is so rewarding. Being able to teach and love and laugh with this little boy every day is priceless. Part of me wishes I could do this for the rest of my life, but I know that's unrealistic. These people have meant so much to me and have done so much for me this past year and 2 months. They are incredible! I will miss them when I leave at the end of this year. And I pray blessings on this family and especially Pierce who will be going to day care in January. I pray for continued good health and lots of learning!

Hope you all had a thankful weekend.
-katie

Day #11

2011-11-11T08:58:00.000-06:00

While I should be/am thankful 365 days, here goes day 11 for the Month of Thankfulness:

Today I am thankful for the men and women who serve in the military including my cousin, Blake Grimmett (I don't know what his official title is).

Pledging his life to his country

Blake & me - home from boot camp

Blake & me at his rehearsal dinner

My cousin Tony Francis (don't know his official title either), also serves. I am thankful for his service too.

Two of the most special men in my life, and I love them both. I couldn't imagine how our country would've turned out had it not been for our military.

Thank you both for serving so I can live in a free country. I love you both so much!

-katie

Month of Thankfulness: Days 1-10

2011-11-10T16:55:00.000-06:00

I meant to start this last Tuesday when the month started, but alas, I did not. Shame on me. Anyway, I'm starting it now, PLUS, I'm catching up! So here goes nothin'!

Day #1:
November 1st--
Last Tuesday, the first day of the month, I was and still am thankful for Jon, Jen, and Kate McCalmont! I watch Kate while Jon and Jen have a date night once a week. It's kind of cute. These people mean so incredibly much to me. They have been way more like friends than bosses, which is wonderful. This is probably 1 of 2 families that I've never had a problem dealing with. ANYWAY, this precious family is what I was thankful for the first day of the month and am thankful for today and everyday. They've done so much for me both in the physical life and the spiritual life of me. They are incredible. Love you guys.

Day #2:
November 2nd--
When I go to Texas to visit my godchildren, I go a day before so I don't drive 9 hours there and back all at once. Last Wednesday, was one of those leave-after-work-drives. The wind and rain was horrible. And I was driving my mom's Honda Accord. I DO NOT like how those things handle in the rain. Maybe it's just that I'm used to driving my Jeep Patriot. This day I was thankful for the Hilton's, Erica and Shane, for letting me stay so many times on the way to visit my babies. I've so enjoyed getting to know them both and I'm so excited for the arrival of their daughter in the next month!!

Day #3:
November 3rd--
On this day many years ago, my parents were married. On this day, I was thankful for their relationship and their example of how communication and love is supposed to be. I'm grateful that I was not a child of divorce. I'm thankful that I had a father who loved my mother. That is so important in the development of a child. We learn from example, after all. And while my Daddy isn't here to celebrate another year with my mom, he is always with us--in our hearts--and that will always be their day.

Day #4
November 4th--
Friday, I was grateful for the Ripa's. This is the family I work for right now. I've nannied for them since last August. Their son, Pierce, is crazy, precious, hilarious, and just plain adorable. He makes me laugh. Jennifer and Dave, his parents, are so wonderful. They are funny, sweet, and selfless. Jennifer has done so much for me. She convinced me to go back to school, which I am so incredibly thankful for.

Day #5
November 5th--
Saturday, I was and will always be thankful for the Tucker's. We started out as boss/employee then quickly grew into friends. They are now family. Their soon-to-be 5 kids are my godchildren, so this family clearly means a lot to me. But on this 5th day of November, I'm especially thankful for Cameron, the current baby that I mentioned in my last post. This day was his 7th Birthday. I can't even believe he's 7. He was a brand-new come-home-from-the-hospital newborn, when I met this family. All of these kids are so special to me. I don't know where I'd be without them, and I sure don't want to find out.

Day #6
November 6th--
I was especially grateful for my faith and God's beautiful creation. I am thankful for the opportunity to worship in a free country with whoever I want, wherever I want. God is so good. And worshipping with my godchildren was one of the most special events of the weekend. I loved looking over to see them singing along to the hymns. Driving 9 hours from San Antonio to Little Rock is absolutely beautiful. The colors of fall made leaving my babies almost okay. I love the reds, greens, yellows, oranges, and even browns.

Day #7
November 7th--
Monday I was grateful for my friendship with Kali Nichole Sparks. I went to school with Kali, all the way from Pre-K to graduation. I was thankful to know this precious angel of a person and have her in my life. Her smile lit up a room. 11-7 is her birthday. She will be forever 20. Kali was one of the unfortunate casualties in the Florida accident in May a few years ago. I wasn't really in her "group" in high school, but we were friends. I have a picture of me and Kali in my room from Senior Prom. Her light for God shone so brightly and now she's in His presence having the biggest party. I miss her.

Day #8
November 8th--
Tuesday, I was grateful for an incredible family, the Page's. Sean, Amanda, Bear, and Judah are so important to me and my life. I knew Amanda and Bear before Sean and Judah came along. Amanda is like a sister to me and I love her so much. Wouldn't trade her for the world! :) And I am so happy for her in finding her a husband like Sean. He is so wonderful to her and Bear and he is a GREAT father to Bear and Judah. 11-8 was Bear's 7th birthday--part of the reason I am thankful for them on this day.

Day #9
November 9th--
Yesterday, I had class and it got me thinking how thankful I am for the opportunity to get to go back and actually get my degree. I owe it all to God, firstly. Second, I'm thankful for my mom's fiance, Tim. He is paying for me to go to school and get my degree. I don't think there are words for how grateful I am for this kind gesture. And I'm thankful for the drive I have right now. I pray that I keep wanting to go forward.

Day #10
November 10th--
Today I am grateful for my parents(not the same as #3). I am thankful for the time (almost 18 years) I got to spend with my dad before he left this earth. I am thankful that I took after him in a lot of ways. It makes it easier for me to remember him. Of course, I look exactly like him, so that kinda helps. I am thankful for the relationship that I have with my mom. Even though we fight and disagree, we love each other and understand where the other person is coming from. She is my best friend. I'm thankful my upbringing even though I find some of it a little ridiculous. I will use some to most of how I was brought up for my children if God blesses me with any. I'm grateful to be brought up in a Christian faith with believing parents and extended family on both sides. So thankful.

What are you thankful for??
-katie
P.S. Sorry for the lack of pictures. Maybe next time.

2 Weekends - 2 Birthdays

2011-11-08T08:28:00.002-06:00

I. Am. Pooped.

I've been to San Antonio and back the past 2 weekends. There was good reason though. I mean reasons. As the title gives away, two of my godchildren had birthdays these past 2 weekends and I didn't miss them!

Tori (the oldest) turned 16 last Friday. I can't believe this girl is 16. When I met this family, Tori had just turned 9-years-old. I barely remember that 9-year-old. I remember a cute, quiet, willing little girl. Mature and loving.

She is now a golden-hearted 16-year-old, who is absolutely gorgeous (as you can see). She is still quiet at times. Still mature. Still very willing and very loving. But she's not so little anymore. She loves her Savior and knows that He's there for her. She'll be able to move out next year, if she wants. She'll be going to college in less than 2 years. (I sure hope, I'm done with college before she is!)

Father God, protect my sweet Tori. Help

her remember that you are always with her

and will never be anywhere else.

Give her strength for the days and rest for the nights.

Help her remember that what's going on

is only "for now". This too shall pass.

Let her know she is loved and cherished

and she shouldn't settle for anything less.

In Your Son's Precious Name, Amen.

Birthday #2 was the current baby of the family. Cameron turned 7-years-old this past Saturday. This crazy, hilarious little boy was brand new when I first met this family. And when I say brand new, I mean it. They were at the hospital having him when I was called. I think I was the first non-family member to meet him except for the hospital staff.

Anyway, this little boy stole my heart from the moment I met him. And as he has grown he's done nothing less than put a smile on my face. He is the most hilarious child I've ever met in my life. Even if he's making one of his "You're a chicken head" jokes--the joy he gets out of telling his jokes and how much he laughs at them, you just can't help but hysterically laugh.

Father God, I pray that as Cameron grows

he finds you. I pray that he goes crazy over you

and loves learning about you and loves having

a relationship with you. I pray protection

over him as well. That you will pursue him and

let him know that you're always with him.

I pray that he grows up to be a man

of God. That he will grow in stature and knowledge.

In Your Son's Name, Amen.

I will be posting my Days of Thankfulness in the next coming days. And yes, I will be catching up with the days that I've missed.

--katie

Stay Tuned...

2011-11-03T10:21:00.000-05:00

I am cooking up a really good entry that will be posted in the very near future! Can you guess what it's about? Probably not...

Good Luck!
-katie

Update on Life

2011-10-17T12:14:00.001-05:00

I have had absolutely no motivation for just about everything in my life lately.

No motivation for school--yes, I'm back in school (YAY!). I'm supposed to be reading right now.

No motivation for exercising.

No motivation for blogging.

No energy overall.

The only thing that gets me energized or excited anymore is getting to go see my godchildren. I cannot wait to see them in less than 2 weeks! Sometimes, I think it would be easier for me to just move down there. That's another post.

"My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart

and my portion forever."

--Psalm 73:26

I've also had a hard time with actually nailing down a major to focus on in my college experience. Speech Therapy? Teaching? Business? Culinary Arts? There are so many choices! In my opinion, there are two reasons why I've had such a hard time declaring a major. 1--My mom killed my dream of a Neonatal Nurse with reality(forget that I'm not that great with science)...and 2--all I've ever wanted to be is a Mom. That's the only consistency in my life desires. So keeping in mind the future family that I plan to have, I think I'd rather be a Teacher. I'm scared to death of this decision, but it's been sticking for about a week now, so I feel pretty confidant that it will be around for a long time. Pray me through this friends. I'm gonna need it!

Also, an UPDATE on my goddaughter Trinity. She's back at home now which is good for the family. They did find out that she has a tumor, which I believe is benign, at the base of her skull located in between the pituitary gland and her brain stem, I believe. Please pray that the tumor will not be there when they go back in 2 months. It's happened before and I know that God can do this. I believe it. I'm going to commit to praying everyday and whenever I think about it until they go back. I'll also be posting my prayers on my prayer blog. I believe that God is still in the miracle business. I hope that you are too.

How can you say no to praying for this beautiful little girl and her healing??

~PRAY FOR TRINITY~

-katie

Intercede, Friends, Intercede

2011-09-15T08:49:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to figure out how to start this post and I just cannot find the words. Instead of thinking about what I want to say, I'm just going to spit it out.

Last night/Early this morning, I got a call from the mother of my godchildren. We had been playing phone tag and she finally got ahold of me at midnight--yes, I was sleeping. I figured she just wanted to chat and this was an "I'll call you back tomorrow" call. It wasn't. We talked about how things were going with them. She started telling me about doctors appointments for the kids.

My precious Kaleb has a form of Autism called Aspergers. He has some problems in social settings especially being bullied. Anyway, he's had some problems with his lazy eye and it turns out that his brain has actually turned that eye off. BUT, the God-thing is that his vision in that eye, is 20/20! This is SUCH a blessing, friends. You see, if he didn't have perfect vision in this eye, they couldn't do surgery to fix it. Since he does have perfect vision in that eye, they CAN fix it! Praise the Lord! And yet, in spite of this great news, she was about to tell me something that would keep me up half the night and not have a good night's sleep when I did finally get to sleep.

My sweet little Trinity has been having some trouble lately. Trouble with her endocrine system, to be specific--and that's as specific as I need to be. All-in-all, the doctors had to do an x-ray and if it comes back showing that her "bone age" is more than 8, she could have a tumor. Benign or not, this is a huge burden.

Last night, I kept telling Holly, Trinity's mom, we need to start praying and we don't need to stop.

"Always be joyful.

Never stop praying.

Be thankful in all circumstances,

for this is God's will for you

who belong to Christ Jesus."

--1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

After we hung up, I was going to talk to God. I really like praying at night when I'm in bed. I used to think falling asleep while praying was something terrible, but now I love falling asleep in the arms of my Lord. It's probably my favorite thing. But this time, I couldn't find the words to express my feelings or distress. It's still hard for me to know what I really want to say. Part of me wants to explode and ask God why He would do this to my little Trinity. And the other part of me knows that there's no point. There's no point in getting mad and asking "why?". I've learned from experience that it doesn't help. So what did I pray, you ask? It went a little something like this:

Father, I need you more than ever right now.

God, I'm praying for my sweet goddaughter,

Trinity Celeste Tucker. I'm interceding on her behalf

to ask You, the God of the Universe,

Jehovah Rophi--God who Heals,

to put your Healing Hand on her little body.

I'm asking for a complete healing. I want the doctor's to

scratch their heads in disbelief. I want your power

to be SO evident that there isn't any doubt of

who is at work. Father, Trinity has such a heart for you.

She loves talking about you and to you. She is

amazed by you. I wish I had her faith. I'm begging

You to heal her completely. May all the glory go to You.

We will praise no one other than the

One who created her. But overall, Father, I pray that

Your Will Be Done.

Thank You, Father. I love you.

Amen.

My belief is in the power of the Lord. May He be glorified through this trial and may He heal my sweet little Trinity. I believe He can.

I believe...

One Day...

2011-09-01T08:14:00.002-05:00

Hello friends! I was once again a travelin' gal this past weekend. This time I was in Springfield, MO. I was there for the weekend spending some time with my cousin and his wife, Jarrod and Caira. My aunt and I drove up after I got off work on Thursday. I was so glad to have a day off and a weekend to spend with family. These 3 people mean so much to me. I can't imagine my life without these people in my life.

Caira & Jarrod on their wedding day (May '08)

I went up there for Caira's BABY shower on Saturday!! I'm so excited that these 2 people are embarking on yet another wonderful journey together.

Their baby is a GIRL!! And they will name her Addisyn Preslee when she makes her debut sometime around November 29th! I cannot wait to meet this precious blessing. She is already so loved and so wanted. I hope she knows how much her parents and extended family loves her. I know she will. And I know that she will know the love of God. Gosh, I just cannot wait until Thanksgiving! This kid is going to be so spoiled--I can't wait to be apart of it.

Also, a very Happy Birthday to Jarrod!!! He turns 30 today. He's like a big brother to me. I just love him so much!

I so admire Jarrod and Caira as people and in their marriage. There is communication, fun, love, respect, and fairness. I hope I find the same thing she found. One day, friends, one day... In the mean time, I will seek the one who made me and pursue him because he pursued me first.

Hope you all have a great long weekend!!
-katie

Willis's--May '11

2011-08-09T08:18:00.000-05:00

Cate--13

Graham--11

My little model!

She is beautiful!!

All-American Boy--Jackson--15

We are special.

They love me.

Completely Loved by Our Creator & Witness

2011-07-29T10:51:00.003-05:00

I started a 30-day Devotion, Completely Loved: Recognizing God's Passionate Pursuit of Us, by Shannon Ethridge, yesterday. God has already showed me how valuable I am to Him. It's incredible. I can't believe I haven't started this earlier.

Day 1 starts off with the creation story--what better way to start?? The title to day 1 is "Completely Loved by...Our Creator". I love that. Because who loves us more than Who created us? We think our parents have the ultimate love for us, but we are oh so wrong. God's love for us is immeasurable and honestly, I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm just now figuring that out. I don't need anyone other that Him. He knows what we need and who we are. Here's an excerpt from day 1:

"We find passion and joy in walking with the One who designed every part of us. He designed our minds, so He knows how to put us at ease. He created our bodies, so He knows how to strengthen us. He formed our hearts, so He knows how to thrill and delight us. He molded our spirits, so He knows our innermost desires; and only He can satisfy those desires."

And every day ends with a prayer (who would've thought??). And wouldn't you know that the one thing I've really been insecure about my entire life, Shannon addresses in the very first devotion. Blows my mind. After I read it yesterday, I just looked up and said, "Ok, Lord, I get it." The prayer reads like this:

"Creator God, Help me recognize Your beauty and wonder evident throughout all of creation---from the tiniest DNA molecule to the galaxies far beyond our awareness. But most of all, help me to recognize Your beauty and wonder when I look at myself."

You see, in my entire life, I've never thought of myself as beautiful. Never. THIS explains it all.

Day 2 is entitled "Completely Loved by...Our Witness". Today starts out talking about Hagar and how she felt unnoticed by God. She has a son by Abraham, Sarai's husband. She gets treated so harshly by her. She even runs away pregnant with Ishmael, her son, and she sees an angel. The angel tells her to go back and take whatever Sarai can dish out.

"And the angel also said, 'You are now pregnant and will give birth to a son. You are to name him Ismael (which means 'God hears'), for the LORD has heard your cry of distress. This son of yours will be a wild man, as untamed as a wild donkey! He will raise his fist against everyone, and everyone will be against him. Yes he will live in open hostility against all his relatives.'"

Shannon points out in here that Hagar didn't put up a fight against this angel. I am amazed at that. I would definitely protest and ask the angel to, instead give me a son who is not a "wild man". But Shannon is right when she says this:

"Her response indicates that she was at peace with her situation, regardless of how difficult it must have been. Why? Because she looked past her situation to recognize that GOD ACTUALLY SAW HER. Her Maker knew her plight and was a witness to her life. That seemed to satisfy her; it was enough for her to simply know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God saw her and her circumstances."

I love the next verse--verse 13. I feel like this is Hagar's "AH-HA" moment.

"Thereafter, Hagar used another name to refer to the LORD, who had spoken to her. She said, 'You are the God who sees me.' She also said, 'Have I truly seen the One who sees me?'"

I love love love how Shannon Ethridge brings forth a new idea. I am truly thankful for this book series. I can't wait to dive into the rest of the books!! She ends today with another prayer:

"Dear God, I may not understand why it feels so important to be noticed at times, but I thank You that nothing in my life goes unnoticed by You. Even though you witness my finest and worst moments, You never stop cheering me on, and for that I am eternally grateful."

Have a wonderful weekend!

-katie

SO Late.

2011-07-28T08:29:00.000-05:00

I completely forgot to post pictures from Pierce's 1st Birthday!! Pierce, Jennifer (his mom), and I went on a short visit to the zoo on his birthday--May 4th. He had so much fun and Jennifer and I spent most of the trip wiping our foreheads of sweat (boy, was it hot!!) and holding our noses from the stench. It was a most entertaining day!

ENJOY!

This was Pierce's "Thank You" cards for his Birthday Party!

So funny!

Yes, we put him in one of those. :)

THEN...we went to Cantina Laredo for birthday lunch! Yes, I realize that a gourmet mexican restaurant isn't exactly kid-friendly--but it sure was delicious!!

"I like chips"

Happy 1 year old!

See his teeth??

He wasn't sure about the sparkler--I, however, loved it!

The mango cake was DELICIOUS!

Kisses for Momma!

Like I said--we had a great day and he was so good the whole day!

Seriously though--I will post those Willis pictures tomorrow! PROMISE!! :)

Have a great day!

-katie

Update in Pictures!

2011-07-18T11:02:00.000-05:00

As I said in a previous post, I was in TX for my Goddaughter's baptism last weekend (9-10th). I've quite possibly never seen a baptism quite as sweet as this one. Trinity is sweet anyway and it was an honor to actually see her commit her life to Christ and see her follow that up with baptism. Honor--I can't think of a better word. I am one blessed gal.

Me & Trinity

What made this baptism so special and sweet was that Trinity's dad, David, got to baptize her. I wish I wasn't afraid of showing too much emotion, because I would've let the waters flow. I did tear up, so, I'm improving, but still. This moment was so sweet for the entire family.

David & Trinity praying

Asking Trinity who Jesus is to her and how He has changed her life

Such a proud Daddy

(I still tear up looking at these pictures.)

The sweetest hug you've ever seen in your life.

Me & Holly, Trinity's Mom

(Might as well be my sister)

Tori, Kaleb, Cameron, me & Trinity

I couldn't be more proud of these kids. And I can't wait to see what God has in store for their life in the years to come. I constantly thank God for them. I have no idea where I would be without this family.

Hope you all have a wonderful week!

-katie

P.S. I will post pictures from that photo shoot I did of the Willis's very soon!! :)

Weakness

2011-07-13T08:11:00.000-05:00

I have struggled with something for a long time, I feel like my whole life. But I've just now realized that this has become one of my weaknesses since my dad passed away over 5 years ago.

Insecurity and/or No Self-confidence

Here is my list of what I am secure and confident about:

I am confident that I am good at my job.

I am confident that God sent His Son to die on a cross for my sins so that if I accept His free gift of Salvation, I can live for eternity in Heaven.

I am confident that my family loves me.

Now I know to some of you that makes me pretty confident--pretty rich. Not a lot of people have that confidence. But that's not the kind of confidence I am talking about.

I don't know if I can go to college and graduate.

I don't know that the major I picked is the right one for me.

I am not confident that I will be successful.

I am not confident about my future.

I don't think I'm beautiful.

I don't know if someone will be able to love me.

And I don't know I will be able to love that person in return.

The one thing that I do have...is hope. I have hope that these things won't be issues in the future. I hope and pray that God will address these. I am confident in that.

I have recently started believing in myself which is kind of a big deal. I've started thinking about how it might be possible that I could finish school and graduate and possibly go on to graduate school. I never would've considered this before and honestly, I'm not sure why I'm thinking about it now.

I have been talking with a friend of mine about how I need a change. I need something different in my life and while I know moving out is the answer, I'm having a hard time accepting it. She's been great in making me realize how important this is/would be. She's a true friend. But while, I know I need to move out and be on my own and independent--I'm not ready for that at all. Mentally, financially, even spiritually.

I am terrified of failure. Who isn't? But, I have an abnormal fear of failure. I am so afraid to fail that I won't even try. If I don't try to start anything or to do anything new, then I won't fail. I have realized that is not the way to live, but it's hard to change once you've done that your whole life. I am trying to trust in my Lord and Savior to help me through this. I'm hoping my friends will too--I know they will.

I found this quote yesterday and I love it. I've always thought of myself as a strong person, but this sheds a while new light on that subject.

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong,

but sometimes, it's letting go."

Herman Hesse

Pray me through this friends.

Travel!

2011-07-07T09:56:00.001-05:00

My life lately has been all about work and making/saving money and to be honest, it hasn't been going too well. Work is great. I love Pierce. He's getting so big and learning so much. So happy I got this opportunity.

This month I'm going to and from Texas--San Antonio to be exact to spend time with my godchildren. I was there for the 4th of July weekend and had so much fun. We went to Sea World two days in a row--got my first sunburn of the summer. So happy I got to be there for a little more than a weekend. I came back on Tuesday with my godson Kaleb!

We had such a good ride back to LR. Nine and a half hours of talking, then silence, then some more talking. We laughed some which was wonderful. I don't know how long it's been since I spent individual time with Kaleb. I love it!

I'm going back with Kaleb on Saturday and unfortunately staying until about 2 on Sunday. But, I am so excited about it, because Trinity--my little princess Trinity is getting baptized!!!!

I am just so proud of her!! She is literally the sweetest child I've ever encountered. She prayed over a meal this weekend and her heart is for others. She prayed for the homeless and she thanked her Lord for my safe travels and prayed for my safe return home. I just love her so much. I can't imagine loving her anymore than I already do!

Hope you all had a safe 4th of July weekend! I know I missed the fireworks since SA is banned from any kind of fireworks for fear of fire.

Short post--I know. Have a great week!

-katie

P.S. Pictures to come!!

Preview!

2011-05-07T23:47:00.000-05:00

I'm back.

2011-04-13T21:58:00.000-05:00

It's been a while, friends. I'm sorry for my absence, but alas, I haven't had the energy--or the internet connection at home--to put my thoughts down into words. I have this problem a lot. Understandably so, because a lot has been going through my head this year ('11--who can believe it's already the middle of April?!). I think that may be the reason for my lack of posts. Again, apologies.

Well, I went to see my Godchildren again last month. I had the best weekend. Very unfortunate that I haven't been able to spend more than a weekend with them since October. I wish I had unlimited vacation time, you know? Although, there's a good chance that I would never show up to work. That is a huge lie, though. I love my job. This little boy is such a joy. He smiles and your heart melts. He laughs and you laugh. He hardly ever cries. Amazing child. He will be 1 in less than a month--May 4--and he's already walking!! I can't believe that I've been with this family since August, what's that...8 months? Insane. Hope they're not getting sick of me.

My birthday was last week. Yay for being 23! It's really not that exciting, so far. It's just more of a shock when people ask how old I am. They think I'm 15. Granted, sweet in every sense, yet somehow...disheartening? I'm unsure of the word I'm looking for. Well if I look at my life right now and really focus on where I am and where I thought I'd be by now, I could get really depressed and defeated. I wanted to be at least engaged or in a serious relationship by this age. I know it's young, but that's how I always pictured my life. I wanted to be a college graduate. Maybe in the next 5 years...

But, I am very happy with where my life is. Single. Great job. Wonderful family. Incredible friends. Amazing God (not in that order of course). I know this for sure, my life is nothing like I thought it would be. And that's ok. There are times that I wish I had the cookie-cutter life, but then where would the excitement and fear be. I have to rely on my family, friends, and most importantly God to get me through life. It's scary, but I love it.

I just found a draft of a blog entry that I started once, but never submitted. And it goes a little something like this:

"I have many ideas for my future. Marriage to a wonderful man. Beautiful kids. Many happy memories. But I know all of my future is not pretty. There will be rough times as well as the good. And how am I supposed to cope with what is to come?

I have wondered about that question a lot lately. I have been broken in asking myself that question this week. How am I supposed to cope with what is to come? It's a very big question. I would love to say that my immediate response was God. And in my head, it was. But, when you have lost something precious, you start to wonder. Wonder, in my case, if I can trust the One that my loved ones are with. I wonder if I can see things through His eyes. I wonder if my past and present feelings will resurface and/or continue. Will they? Will the Enemy take over my brain and convince me once again that God did this on purpose, so I can learn something? I dare say, he could. But I have hope. I hope that God will sustain me in that time. I hope that He will be enough for me. I hope that He will not let me stray from Him. I am His.

Lately, I have been questioning things: life, God, everything. It's been hard this week. For the first time in my life, I realized...(and it kills me to say it, and admit it on the internet), that my relationship with God is purely acquaintance-like. Honestly, I hate it. I hate that I am mad at my Creator. At the One who saved me from eternal damnation. I would go to asking, "Why?", but it doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. So, how do I move past it all and hope to cope in the future?

Worry consumes my thoughts. I'm 22 years old and have lost my father. I worry that my mother won't be around to see my kids. Yes, I have my extended family and very close friends who would step forward, but it's completely not the same. I worry. I hope. I'm trying. I'm trying not to worry. I'm trying to trust again.

I put my life in His hands once. It's always been in His hands, I just like to think that I can handle things. I cannot. I will have to start trusting Him. That is a scary thought after almost 5 years of questioning trusting Him."

In a lot of ways, I still think like this person did. I still have a hard time trusting God and sometimes even man. I still question how will I be able to move on. I'm a year older now. I'm 23. With age comes wisdom? I wish. And I think to a certain extent, it does. But, at the same time, I think circumstance has an important role as well.

I think back to this year's anniversary of my Dad's death and thank God for his revelation to me. I can't think of a better way to wake up on that day than God saying to me, "It's time to live again." It hit me like a ton of bricks, but it was worth the wake up call.

So, to abruptly end a post...

A New Beginning

2011-03-03T09:02:00.003-06:00

I haven't had internet for a long time now, and I realized that I left something out of my last post.

February 2, 2011 I woke up and I heard that Still Small Voice that you always hear stories about. I distinctly remember hearing it only once before. This Still Small Voice said, "It's time to start living". You see, since my dad passed away 5 years ago, I don't think I've been living. Going through the motions has been my day to day life since I lost my daddy. I hate to say that this is true and has been the norm for years now, but it is true. A month ago I heard His Voice and it has changed my view on life. I am so very grateful for that. It hasn't been a big change just yet, but I notice something different. My attitude toward life and most things that come my way has changed. I am much more relaxed about things that would normally set me on edge.

This year, on the anniversary, I had a wonderful day. It was a day full of smiles, wonderful talks, and laughs. I wondered if a day like that would ever happen. One where I was truly happy. Well it did!

I'll never forget that day. It was a new beginning, thankfully. I hope and pray that it continues to be.

UPDATE: My cousin is coming home from Afghanistan in April! I am so excited and thankful for this! He is excited to see his wife, son, family, and friends. He lives in TN, so I hope he gets to come here to visit before his 2 week leave is up. I miss him so much. Pray for his safety between now and when he comes home and definitely going back and while he's there until August when he comes home for good. I pray this time flies for his wife and son who miss him immensely.

"It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it." --Lena Horne

-katie

5 Years--A Landmark Year

2011-02-02T22:08:00.000-06:00

For so many years(2 months shy of 18 years), I memorized his face. I know the unique colors of his iris. I know the wrinkles around his eyes. I know where his hairline begins, mainly because I have it too. I know how his ears were: big, but perfect--I got those from him too. I know his mustache and his scruffy chin. His sun-dried leathery hands are engraved in my mind. Not only did I memorize his features, I memorized his personality. I knew him always joking--always. Always finding a punchline like Chandler in "FRIENDS", only better. And whenever I'm laughing, I can't help but hear his laugh, his contagious, hearty, belly laugh.

These memories are etched on my heart and burn onto the memory card in my brain. 5 years ago today, I lost him. I could no longer memorize him, because he was gone--just like that. All it took was 3 weeks. Now, I have to remember him. Because he was and is to this day, my Daddy.

But, how could I forget him? How could I forget the way he snored after falling asleep on the couch? How could I forget the way he held me when I was sad? How could I forget the way he called me "Sweet Pea" or "Pea Baby"? I'll never forget the song we made up and sang on our Father/Daughter fishing dates. I'll never forget the way he smelled--Irish Spring soap and Old Spice deodorant. I'll never forget him. How could I?

It's hard for me to believe that this day is finally here. I never thought I would get to this day. 5 years is a landmark year. And in a way, I'm glad it is here.

I had a wonderful day. My Goddaughter, Tori, has been here since last Wednesday, which was wonderful! I dropped her off at the airport around 1 and went to meet a very good friend for lunch. I met my former teacher and current friend, Teresa Walker. We had wonderful fellowship. I am so thankful for our time together. We talked about everything. And it was wonderful to catch up. And I went to keep baby Kate, who always makes me smile. Today was a great and I think Dad would be proud of how far I've come. I'll miss him everyday of my life, but I'm so thankful for this valley that happened in my life.

Thank you God for this opportunity.

Hope you all are keeping warm. Tell someone that you love them this week.
-katie

How Can I Keep From Singing?

2010-12-30T11:22:00.000-06:00

My life lately has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. This year has been very interesting, but overall, I think it's been good.

I started out the year with Upward Basketball, which turned out to be a success! Great kids and lots of fun. The 4th anniversary of my Dad's passing came and my bad day was lifted. A boy that I used to/kinda still babysit accepted Jesus as his Savior. I was and am so proud of Graham! He has shined this year and I can't wait to see what our God has in store for him in the future. I attended baby showers/births, movies, concerts, birthday parties, weddings, and funerals. I went to Texas twice, thankfully--was named Godmother to 4 wonderful children! I've sang. I had a birthday. I flew to DC for the first time and flew by myself for the first time and road-tripped it back with my best friend. I've laughed. I met 2 blog friends, Katie and Angie--Blessings, both of them. I babysat and housesat like nobody's business. I attended voice lessons. I babysat some more during the summer. I've cried. I saw my cousin get married and then leave for Afghanistan. I've wondered. I've talked with Cate and Tori and Jackson individually and I've been blessed each time. I've taken pictures, great pictures--pictures that capture memories. I joined a small group. I saw WICKED. I shopped. I hugged. I met the man my mom's been seeing. I've cried. I've asked questions and I've doubted. I prayed when a high school classmate of mine fell and hit his head. I'm praying still. I have celebrated and I have grieved this year.

Like I said, roller coaster. But those little things like, "I've laughed" and "I've sang," makes this year totally worth it. Graham received Christ as his Savior. That makes this year worth it. Being named a Godmother makes it totally worth it. I am so thankful for this year, but I hope and pray that 2011 will be even better.

Even though things have been wonderful, bad, great, terrible and fine this year, I can't help but thank God for his blessings. How can I keep from singing praises to my Father? I can't. No matter how bad things get in my life, I can always sing. I love that. I love that God gave me that joy. And honestly, I've never noticed it until right this second. If I'm ever mad or frustrated, I take a drive and I sing. As soon as I return home or back to where I was, I'm instantly in a better mood. However I choose to sing. Crazy. Angry. Humbled. Prayerful. It's an outlet for me. I'm so thankful for it.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. I hope you reflected on Christ's birth instead of getting presents. I know, I need to work on that too. I should be happy to be alive, instead I'm worried about having enough presents under the tree.

Have a wonderful New Year!
katie

~Live~Laugh~Love~

PRAYER REQUEST!

2010-12-01T11:54:00.002-06:00

Ok Prayer Warriors, I need you!!

A friend of mine, that I graduated with, Mark Webb, is in the hospital. He fell out of a truck on the 21st of November. He has inter-cranial pressure at the level of about 15, which is decent, but we need it to be at 0. God can do this. And His Word says, "Again, I assure you: If two of you on earth agree about any matter that you pray for, it will be done for you by My Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there among them."[HCSB] Let gather together and pray for Mark's healing.

God, spare Mark's life. He is a wonderful guy who loves you and serves you. Heal him and let this be a testimony to you in his life. Bless and comfort his family through this time. Thank you in advance for Mark's healing.

Amen.

Birthdays, Baptisms, and Fairy Wings

2010-11-01T19:56:00.000-05:00

This week has been incredible!! And my weekend isn't even over yet. God has truly blessed me. I have never felt it as much as I do right now. It's almost overwhelming. The week started out with 2 days of Pierce. Precious, to say the least. He was so good!! And he's almost to the point of sitting up on his own. He still falls over, but he can sit up for a LOONG time! I am so proud of him! He will be 6 months old on November 4th, I believe. He's getting so big!!

See?? So big. Yet, oh, so precious!

I am currently on vacation. Starting on Wednesday, I flew to see the Tucker's, who I used to babysit. I went to visit them in April, if you remember. Had a blast, and so far, this trip is FAR surpassing that one, for 3 reasons!

Reasons #1:

Tori's Birthday was October 28th. 15 years old. (I know your jaw just dropped, Sadie!) It boggles my mind that that 9 year old little girl is now a freshman in high school. She is so mature and loving AND she's taller than me (not cool). She is so incredibly beautiful and I cannot believe she is already 15. I was 16 when I started babysitting them!! Crazy!

**Background (before Reason #2): Tori was 9 when I first came to them. Kaleb was 2(almost 3). Trinity was 1(almost 2). And Cameron was a brand new-came home from the hospital-baby. And now, Tori is 15. Kaleb will be 10 in March. Trinity will be 8 is January. And Cameron will be 6 on Friday the 5th. Insane, I say. I cannot believe how time has flown and how fast they're growing up, which is guess is the same thing, if you think about it.

Reason #2:

Tori was baptized on Halloween!! I am so beyond proud of her. She has wanted a relationship with God for as long as I've known them, really. But something was always still getting in the way. She was and still is to a certain extent, really shy and quiet. Sometimes you have to pull her thoughts out of her, happy or upset. She's complicated, as are all women. So a while back, (not sure how long) her mom, Holly, talked to her about asking Jesus into her heart and having a relationship with Him. They talked for weeks, I think, and after a while she decided that was something she wanted to do. *Beaming with pride here* So Tori asked Jesus to be the Lord and Savior of her life. And now, she is finalizing it with baptism. I couldn't be more proud of her if she were my own.

Which brings us to...

Reason #3!:

This is my favorite one, and I won't beat around the bush or stall in the revealing of this particular reason why this trip has been sooo much better than the April trip! I mean, how could I do that to y'all? You have busy days with work and studying or both, and who knows if you really even have time to read this. It is a little long. And there's pictures to look at. They're good, right?? I love photography. Oh, wait, I'm getting sidetracked! And reason #3 is....

Holly asked me to be the children's Godmother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am beyond elated, if you couldn't tell. And I'll never forget the moment she asked me--where else, but in a Walgreen's parking lot. And I wouldn't have changed it for the world. I thank God for this opportunity. I still can't believe it. Again with the beaming with pride. It means so much to me that Holly and David would think that much of me to hold me responsible for their children if something happened to them. *BEAM* Wow. I know it's a huge undertaking, not that it's going to happen anytime soon. My question is "When do I get my fairy wand and wings?"

God has truly blessed the socks off of me, clearly because I'm not wearing any. Small joke. Sorry. But seriously, I cannot thank Him enough for this weekend and what it means to me. There's no way.

I praise my Father for this weekend. I give Him all the glory. I can't even fathom my life without him! I hope that you see something amazing from God today.

I will post baptism pictures later, I don't have them loaded yet!

Love to all,

-katie

Footprints

2010-10-31T14:16:00.000-05:00

One night a man had a dream. He

dreamed he was walking along the beach

with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes

from his life. For each scene, he noticed two

sets of footprints in the sand; one belonging

to him, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed

before him, he looked back at the

footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the

path of his life there was only one set of

footprints. He also noticed that it happened at

the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he

questioned the Lord about it. "Lord,

you said that once I decided to follow you,

you'd walk with me all the way. But I have

noticed that during the most troublesome

times in my life, there is only one set

of footprints. I don't understand why when

I needed you most you would leave me."

The Lord replied, "My son, My precious

child, I love you, and I would never leave

you. During your times of trial and suffering,

when you see only one set of footprints,

it was then that I carried you."

--Unknown

During any sad time, it is easy to turn away from God and rebel. But those are the times when He is the closest. If you listen closely, you can even hear His heartbeat. I thank God for this comfort.

Hope y'all are having a wonderful Sunday! Pray for safety as I fly back to Little Rock from San Antonio. Pictures are coming soon!! This upcoming post might just be my favorite, ever.

-katie

Still Standing...

2010-10-04T11:43:00.006-05:00

I've been in such a dry spell lately, blog-wise. Well, in other ways too, but that's another post. I've had all the words that I could ask for, but somehow, I couldn't seem to put it on here. I couldn't form my words and get them down in an organized form. Believe me, I've tried. I've started almost 10 posts since the last time.

I try and try to find the words I'm looking for to give you an idea of how I'm feeling. But it never works, due to either, revealing more than needed (because I still don't know who all reads this), or I get so frustrated that I just stop altogether and ditch the project. But it's time to get back into the game. It's a new month (my favorite, by the way) and I'm going to BLOG!!

Saturday was Cate's Birthday!! I helped out with my church's youth group's Amazing Race for most of the day! We went to Petit Jean Mountain. It was a beautiful day and lots of fun! But the most fun of that day was getting to spend it with the birthday girl!! :) She is so special to me.

Happy 13th Birthday Cate!!

On the other hand, I'm struggling with some things that I would love your prayers on. Intercede friends, intercede. My mom and I are having some issues. That's all I will say. It's been a thing for a while now, but it's getting worse and I'm at a loss at what to do.

In better news, I have the best job. Pierce is 5 months today, I believe. He is the most precious baby, and the best baby! He is all smiles ALL the time. It is such a joy to watch him learn and discover his world. He makes me laugh which is incredible! And, of course, his parents are wonderful!!

I hope you are having a decent if not wonderful Monday! Have a wonderful week!

-katie

Breaking Free

2010-09-13T08:56:00.004-05:00

I'm starting a new book/Bible study called, "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore. I'm so looking forward to getting into this book and literally break free of everything that is holding me back. I want to discover the victory of total surrender, which is kind of the second title of this book ["Breaking Free: Discover the Victory of Total Surrender"].

I will hopefully be reading a chapter a day or more and I hope to post my thoughts or an excerpt or two from the book.

Pray for me as I enter into this book.

-katie

What I see...

2010-08-19T13:44:00.004-05:00

matching shirts with my favorite Katerade

capturing this picture in a single second

I've been trying to see the beauty in the little things.

I've been trying to see the bigger picture.

But it's hard to see the bigger picture AND the beauty in the little things. It's only after the storm that you see both. I've never seen both at once, maybe when I'm older...

Adeline, John, and Emily

I guess reflection is the key. Prayer and study. I still have some learning to do...

New Blog

2010-08-12T11:27:00.004-05:00

Lately I've been feeling guilty about my prayer life, which honestly, is anywhere from lite to non-existant. So last night, I began feeling very much pulled to restore my prayer life, or even just start it up. Therefore, I created a blog for my prayer life. I don't care who reads it, but just know that this is me talking to God. Respond if you like. But the one thing I ask is that you pray for me as I reenter this time with the One who made me. . Thank you. . And yes, I will still be updating this blog as well. Sorry I haven't updated in a while. . -katie http://prayerstomyrefuge.blogspot.com/

He is able.

2010-07-20T17:06:00.006-05:00

He is able.

I went to the All-State Youth Choir concert on Sunday night. This was my second year to go see how amazing this group of kids is. They were singing a number of amazing songs. But one caught my ear.

He is able.

God has been revealing Himself to me lately. And through these songs, He showed Himself able. He let me know that I can completely trust Him with anything and He will take care of me. I can trust in Him because He cared about me enough to send His Son, Jesus, to die the most cruel death so that I can live forever in Heaven beside Him. If that doesn't blow your mind...I don't know what will.

MY God is able.

The one who I rely on is able. He is able to heal me. He is able to provide for me. He is able to fulfill my dreams.

MY God is able.

I know He is able. I have no doubt that He was able to heal my dad. I have no doubt in my mind. My continuing thought has always been, "will he?" He is more than capable of giving me what I ask and He could, but will he?

He is able.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Is He able?

Yes. I pray you know that.

-katie

I hate this weekend...

2010-06-18T14:25:00.006-05:00

I hate this weekend. Every year around this time, I go to the store and buy a Father's Day card. Well, I can't give it to the man I want to. So, my other Dad(s) get one. And it reads with a lighthouse backdrop...

My Dad Is My Example

There are many examples to follow in life,

many men who are deserving of praise.

Whether doctors, or lawyers, or soldiers of war --

they've given in so many ways.

But of all the men who've accomplished it all --

of all the great leaders we've had --

not one will ever begin to compare

with the example I've had in my dad.

He's taught me his values, he's raised me with love,

he's always shown me his respect;

and though his name may never appear

in bright lights, he's one man you'd never forget.

My dad is my leader, my pattern for life,

and on him I can surely depend.

For I know he will be there

with arms open wide

to be my example --

my friend.

And inside...

You've given so much, Dad...

You've blessed my life.

And on this Father's Day,

I want you to know that I love you...

that I'm grateful for the example

you have been to me.

Happy Father's Day

I thank God for this man. Dan Berry has been my second father for my entire life. Although my Daddy is gone from this earth, he is not gone from my heart. I'm glad I can call on my Heavenly Father and my second earthly father to comfort me.

Tell your Father that you appreciate him. Tell him that you love him. Tell him all those things that you can't. Tell him because I can't. I can't tell my Daddy that he was the best Daddy in the world. I can't tell him that even though we fought, I still looked up to him and respected him. I can't tell him how I need him here to talk to me when I'm unsure, to bail me out when I'm in trouble, and to comfort me when I cry.

I miss my Daddy so much sometimes it hurts. I can't wait to see him again...

-katie

Mega Update! Ready?

2010-06-01T19:35:00.010-05:00

Over the past month, I have been a traveler. I have gone from Kerrville, TX to Murphreesboro, TN to DC and back. It has been wonderful, but I'm ready for a summer of home. Enjoy!

These are my TX babies! (l to r) Cameron, Kaleb, me, and Trinity

again, with Tori on the end.

My cousin, Blake, got married in TN. This is me and him at their rehearsal dinner!

This is Blake and our grandmother, Wanda.

Blake's new son, Dawson and their flowergirl, Bella.

Granny and me.

Papaw, me, and Mamaw. (Mom's dad and stepmom)

me & Blake--we have a special relationship.

Blake and his bride, Tara!

My best friend, Sarah, graduated from college!! So proud!

Then, I went to DC! :)

Washington Monument

WWII Memorial

Lincoln Memorial

The Capitol

I'm clearly warning Lincoln...

Sitting in Sadie's future office.

Heck yes, I met Johnny Depp.

AND Julia Roberts. Fav.

AAAAAND...OPRAH!

This is for all the Mom's out there who feel overwhelmed.

frickin' awesome!!

Ruby slippers.

The melting pot--absolute fav.

about to kill ourselves with the sugar.

Sadie!

friends!

still friends in front of Molly the trolley

Amazing substitute mom!!

Meeting Angie Smith!!

Meeting Todd Smith!!

Blessings...

2010-04-12T13:28:00.004-05:00

God has been putting amazing things in my path lately. Wonderful Bible verses for encouragement. A vindication at work. A long-awaited vacation. Amazing friends. And, one amazing Mom! (Not in that order, of course!)

This week I'm in Texas--that long-awaited vacation I was talking about. I am visiting people that I used to babysit for who have morphed into friends...more like family. They have become like my sister and brother-in-law and my nieces and nephews! I love them oh so much. I am in complete disbelief that I am here with them, but I am ecstatic! A 10 hour drive was soooo worth it! I will post pictures when I get back. I can't believe that they are so big. The youngest was a newborn when I started watching them. And by newborn, I don't mean a couple of months old...I mean they were in the hospital having him when they called me. I was there when they brought him home from the hospital. It's been almost 5 and a half years. It absolutely blows my mind that they are (almost) 15, 9, 7, and (almost) 5 and a half. Yes, there are 4 of them! I love all the chaos that goes on! It's almost hard for me to believe that I've been out of that chaos for a year. It's sad at the same time, because, oddly, I've missed it.

More pictures will be here later...but here's a little preview!

Restoration

2010-04-01T15:19:00.002-05:00

My mood is just terrible. And I'm not sure why. I'm not missing my dad, I mean, I'm always missing him, but it's not why I'm in a bad mood. I haven't been able to take a joke for 2 days now. I feel terrible for the people around me who have to endure this.

I'm over at a friend's house right now. She is so sweet, making me laugh and such. She is just so so incredible. Her kids make me laugh so much and I love that.

I'm also going to TX a week from tomorrow to visit friends who I haven't seen in a year. I cannot wait. I've been counting down the days and waiting and saving. I couldn't be happier.

Except that I could be happier. I've just been getting back into a regular Bible study after an embarrassing 4+ year abstain from it. I have been so tired and drained lately. So tired and drained in fact that last night I didn't feel like getting my daily dose of wisdom from my Father. And the other fact of the matter was that I only got just a teaspoons worth of wisdom. I woke up and was late to work this morning...4 minutes, but still. It turned out okay though because I stayed late and made up for my missed minutes. :)

I'm coming out of it even as we speak. Thank God!

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth,

for the first heaven and the first earth

had passed away,

and there was no longer any sea.

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem

coming out of heaven from God,

prepared as a bride beautifully

dressed for her husband.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying,

'Now the dwelling of God is with men,

and he will live with them.

They will be his people,

and God himself will be with them

and be their God.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes.

There will be no more death or mourning

or crying or pain,

for the old order of things has passed away.'

He who was seated on the throne said,

'I am making everything new!'

Then he said, 'Write this down,

for these words are trustworthy and true.'"

--Revelation 21:1-5

I pray I get out of this bad mood, and fast. It's already happening. :) Thanks, friends.

-katie

It's the Climb

2010-03-24T15:19:00.004-05:00

Life...is hard. It's a laugh. It's a tear. But in Miley Cyrus' song "The Climb" It's the climb that's exciting.

"There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose"

I never remember that when in the game of Life, I'm going to stumble and fall flat on my face. I'm going to lose. I hate admitting that. In a perfect world, I would win all the time. I would've made the grades to graduate with honors in high school. I would've gotten into an amazing college, the first time. I would've graduated with honors. I would meet the perfect man for me. We would get married and start a family. Our children would be beautiful and they would never get hurt. They would know the Lord and thrive from His direction. Instead, I didn't try hard enough in high school to make it to an honorable graduation. I hated college (the first time). I loved college, the second time. I didn't try enough, again, to graduate honorably. I haven't met the perfect man that God has set apart for me. I haven't had beautiful children of my own. I lost my dad when I was 17 and I've let that affect me in different parts of my life, both negatively and positively.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have definitely loved a lot of the past almost 8 years of my life. I had a lot of days of laughter. I had birthdays and Christmases and Fridays! I've had days of talking with friends about what matters in life. Heart to heart chats lift my spirits. I've kept amazing kids in 8 years. I just can't even express how much fun I've had in and out of high school and then in and out of college!

I hope there is much more life for me to live. I hope that God blesses me immensely and grants me with the desires of my heart (Ps. 37:4). I can't wait to see the fun and love that my life has to come. I won't be scared of it anymore.

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

-katie

Who cares?

2010-02-12T21:29:00.004-06:00

Who cares about Valentine's Day? Who cares to get flowers from the one they love? Who cares to spend the day getting showered with love and devotion? Who cares to get appreciated on this one day? . I do. I want the man I love to show me their heartfelt love toward me. "Where is that man?", you ask? Well, I don't know. But I do know that God is that man right now. . "I have loved you with an everlasting love[...]" Jeremiah writes in his 31st chapter. And how true that is! He has loved us from the beginning of time. .

"For God so loved the world

that He gave His one and only Son,

that whosoever believes in Him

shall not perish but have everlasting life."

John 3:16

How can I compare the love of a spouse or a significant other to the love of God? His love is so deep and so wide that no one can measure it. The greatest mathmaticians cannot do enough math to equate the depth and width of the Lord.

One thing I love about Valentine's Day is the glow of the people who are in love around me. I love people watching and seeing the love in their eye. Seeing that first date glow. Every touch is amazing. Every joke is hilarious. I would love to just take pictures of those events, without being creepy. Which brings me to a fun subject!

On Wednesday, I'm taking the engagement pictures of Amanda Bates and Sean Page!! I cannot wait to capture their love and friendship! I will surely post a few pictures of the success that I know is bound to happen. I mean, how can you take a bad picture of such a beautiful couple and of course, Amanda's son, Bear! It will be epic and so much fun!

Sorry this post was so random and everywhere.

Thanks for reading,

-katie

4 years...4 words

2010-02-02T13:54:00.004-06:00

It's almost been 2 months since I've posted. I haven't had internet at home since before Christmas. Which reminds me, late Merry Christmas to you all. Happy New Year, too! I hope that this new year has brought many new blessings to you all.

Four years ago today my dad went to be with Jesus in Heaven. He fought for life for three weeks but on February 2, 2006 at 2:45 p.m., my dad lost that fight. I remember him everyday of my life without him, but today especially. I take this day off from any corporate business, but if I do work, I babysit. The kids are so calming to me and give me a strength and a love that cannot be duplicated. The kids just make life spring out of me. They have no worries. They don't have anything holding them back in life. Hopefully, they haven't had anything happen to them like what happened to me. But then again, how would they know, depending on how young they are. They have such a joy and zest for life that many of us in this world would be blessed to encounter. I am blessed to encounter that every week.

I'm so thankful for my dad. He taught me a considerable amount of lessons in life. But, he taught me a phrase that has stuck with me since the first day he said it.

"Remember Whose you are."

I remember I was going on a class trip, Vicksburg, VA, I believe. My mom was taking me to meet the bus and before I left, Dad pulled me aside and uttered those four amazing words, "Remember Whose you are". And I knew from that day, that phrase would stay with me and be my life's motto for as long as I lived. I knew even then, I would say it to my children. My dad kept saying it over and over. "God is always with you. Remember Whose you are. Be aware of how you're perceived. Remember Whose you are." I can't thank him enough for being that amazing example in my life.

Just after midnight this morning, I was remembering where I was at that time. I was at home sleeping, I'm sure. But I was trying to figured out where in the process I was--what had happened the day before (Feb 1, 2006). I can remember that I went to school that day. I just finished lunch and tried to call my mom to see how Dad was doing, but my phone wasn't working. I went with Malia to call from the school's office. Mom picked up and I could hear in her voice a fear that I had never heard before. She said, "He's not doing well. Dale and Tori are coming to pick you up to bring you here." Dale and Tori were and still are good friends of ours. My dad and Dale were good friends. They went hunting together some and what bonds men more than hunting? But anyway, I basically just said, ok and hung up the phone after a dramatic "I love you".

I filled Malia and my best friends Sarah and Sadie in on what was happening and asked them to tell my teachers I wouldn't be in class for the rest of the day. So, I gathered my stuff and went outside to wait on Dale. Tori's van pulled up and I heard a voice calling my name. It was my english teacher Teresa Walker. She is a completely incredible woman who scooped me up in her arms and said "The rest of my day's classes will be spent in prayer for you and your family. I love you baby girl. Everything is going to be okay." At that moment I started crying (even remembering it, tears stream down my face) and she just held me there for a few minutes it felt like. When I finally gained my strength, Tori hugged me and we were on our way to the hospital. And honestly, I have no memory of that particular ride.

I do remember getting up in the room where my dad was in ICU. He had tubes sticking out of him and I didn't quite understand. I found out later that he was hooked up to a ventilator to keep the stress off of his heart. The doctor came in and told us he only had 24 hours to live. And despite the horrible news, I had sweet moments with a few people there.

The next day I woke up and wanted to go to school but Mom insisted th

at I go to the hospital with her. We were at the hospital for most of the day, but after lunch my aunt (Dad's sister) offered to take me home to clean our house up a little bit. I was about to leave, but I remember going up to my dad's bed and stroked his cheek and said, "Daddy, I'm going home. I love you." He blinked hard several times, holding back tears. I turned away, trying not to cry, when my aunt said, "He mouthed 'I love you too'." I cried on the way home. But, after a while of cleaning up, I went to school to pick up some homework. The carpool line was ridiculously long, so I had to wait to get up to the high school. I remember looking at the clock and 2:45 and feeling this indescribable peace flood me. And I heard a little whisper, "It's all going to be ok, I'm here". I knew it was God's small voice.

Class was out when I finally parked my car and got out. People started come up to me from the gym, especially from my class, telling me that they were praying for me and my family. I thanked them and went into the building. Waiting there for me was my English teacher, Teresa Walker, my choir director, Jani Quay, my friends, Sarah, Sadie, Brooke, Becky, Marla, Katie, Julielle, Kappie, and my friend’s pastor, Charles Chamblee. After lots of tears, Mrs. Walker convinced me that I needed to be with my family. She took me in her car to the hospital and by the time I got there; all of my family and best friends were there in the waiting room. I was overwhelmed by the amount of people who cared for me and my mom.

But, before I could greet them all, I was brought back to the ICU. The doors opened and my mom was standing at the nurses station, which was very strange because she had always been in Dad's room. I walk up to her and our hug lasts a minute before I can ask, "Is he gone?" My mom confirmed the news and the tears started flowing. I couldn't believe it. He was dead and would never breathe on this earth again. But all I could do right then was praise God for his life. All I wanted to do, was go into the waiting room and hug all my family and laugh with my friends. And I did. They were all so sweet to wait. I called a few people to let them know that he passed. But it was just a time to be thankful. And I am, every day of my life.

Thank you to everyone who has been there. I love you all.

-katie

Peace, Peace

2009-12-09T14:04:00.003-06:00

Monday night, I went to see the River City Men's Chorus in concert. As usual they were incredible. A particular song that was amazing was called "Peace, Peace". It was beautiful. I cannot even describe the amazement that was in that place. A captain in the US Air Force sang the solo. The solo was sang in German. I've never heard a more beautiful way to sing "Silent Night," which also happens to be my favorite Christmas carol. I was going to type out all the lyrics to "Peace, Peace" but I can't find the words. So, here is "Silent Night":

Silent night, holy night

All is calm, all is bright

Round yon Virgin Mother and Child

Holy Infant so tender and mild

Sleep in Heavenly peace

Sleep in Heavenly peace.

Silent night, holy night!

Shepherds quake at the sight

Glories stream from Heaven afar

Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia!

Christ, the Savior is born

Silent night, holy night

Son of God, love's pure light

Radiant beams from Thy holy face

With the dawn of redeeming Grace

Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth!

The combination of the music and the words in this song makes me want to fall in love. I'm not sure why. The thought that someOne was born and with that birth there is so much commotion. "Shephers quake" "Glories stream from Heaven" That someOne is greatly Majestic and Indescribable. That is just incredible to me. That the whole earth stopped when our Savior was born.

"Silent Night" is my favorite Christmas carol, what's yours?

-katie

American Dream

2009-12-06T17:22:00.003-06:00

Jonathan preached this morning and as usual it was amazing. He takes the scripture apart and makes it easier to understand. Today's lesson was on Mary's song located in Luke 1:46-55.

Everyone wants the American Dream. They want life as they imagine it. How can life be as they imagine it? We can't fathom what our lives will be. So what is important in our lives? People think that growing in stature with friends and the community and in education is vital to living and coping in the world today. But, is that really important? Are all these things vital to surviving in this world? To an extent, I think yes. There is a part of me that says "no" also. Jonathan talked about our importance to God. We have a heavenly responsibility to live our life for God and to honor Him with all that we do. I fail at that daily. It's not hard to make someone happy, right? But to please the indescribable Creator of the universe...wow. What a thought.

"And Mary said:

'My soul glorifies the Lord

and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,

for he has been mindful

of the humble state of his servant.

From now on all generations will call me blessed,

for the Mighty One has done great things for me-

holy is his name.

His mercy extends to those who fear him,

from generation to generation.

He has performed might deeds with his arm;

he has scattered those who are proud

in their inmost thoughts.

He has brought down rulers from their thrones

but has lifted up the humble.

He has filled the hungry with good things

but has sent the rich away empty.

He has helped his servant Israel,

remembering to be merciful

to Abraham and his descendants forever,

even as he said to our fathers.'"

Luke 1:46-55

Despite what Mary was asked to do, she obeyed. Why was it so simple for her, a teenaged girl of low stature, to obey God's command through Gabriel so easily? She didn't question God. She didn't made excuses. She didn't freak out. She just accepted it. She accepted that this was her life's plan. She was at peace with what her life was about to be. How many of us can say that we are good with our life right now? We have loved ones who are dying of diseases and ones who are already gone. We have friends who are suffering from loss and heartache. We are going through financial hard times. We are suffering from loss and heartache. Why is it so hard to just accept that this is our life and that we are living with these different life issues?

Another question he asked was 'what is our song?'. How does our song portray our life? I would hope that my life's song would give people a peace. The song would be able loving life and living it for God in the midst of hard times. God is always with us and never leaves. I wish that everyone would know that.

Sorry that this post was random and pretty scattered. Just something on my mind.

-katie

Waiting

2009-12-01T22:35:00.004-06:00

"So the LORD must wait for you to come to Him

so He can show you His love and compassion.

For the LORD is a faithful God.

Blessed are those who wait for His help."

Isaiah 30:18

I saw this verse on a friend's status and, wow, does it speak volumes!! And it does speak so loudly, especially right now. God has put an opportunity in front of us, just as I mentioned in my last post. Well, that news that I could've revealed will not be revealed just yet. Some plans fell through, so we have to reschedule and I get to keep you in suspense for a while longer.

Waiting is so hard for me. I've never been good at it. Ever. Why would I want to wait for something when I could just as easily have it right then?? Well, would I have the same appreciation for it if I had gotten it in the first place? Probably not, which is most likely why I didn't get it in the beginning. But, in all seriousness, I thank God for what I have struggled for. I know that I have gotten it in His timing or it would not have worked out. My appreciation for material and personal things are way higher than I have been in the past.

But then again, waiting has it's perks. Your trust builds, especially in God. I think I'm finally in a place where I can give it to Him and let Him handle it and completely trust Him with it. He knows me best and knows how my life is going to work out. Can you imagine if you knew how everyone's lives were going to turn out--what was going to happen in their lives--could control it? It's an indescribable thought. I can't even fathom the power.

God is so good! I just pray that He continues to bless me and my family and friends! I cannot wait to see what He does!!

katie

Thank You, Lord!

2009-11-28T10:41:00.007-06:00

No pictures of food to display, so, I'm sorry to disappoint you! Here are some pictures from the weekend! I love my family!

God has an amazing opportunity for me and Mom. I cannot wait to share it with you! We will find out tomorrow if it's a "yes" or "no" from God. We have been praying for a "yes" obviously, but who knows what He'll do. I have been praying for His Will to be done. And to God be the glory. I cannot wait to see what happens!!

I hope your holiday was blessed with family and friends!!

-katie

For Freedom

2009-11-22T18:53:00.004-06:00

I've been thinking a lot about people going into the Army. My cousin, Blake, is in the US Army. My good friend, Kristin, is in the US Air Force. My other cousin, Tony, is in the military, but I'm not sure which branch.

Blake and I are best friends. He's getting married in April to Tara, who I love. I'm in their wedding as a bridesmaid and I couldn't be happier to be there to support Blake. I know that God has a plan for Blake, Tara, and Dawson's lives. His Word says so in Jeremiah 29:11. Blake is set to be deployed next summer, I think. And I don't know how I'm going to handle him leaving or being gone for a year. HE has a plan. I just have to keep telling myself that. This song is so incredible. It's so powerful and inspiring. I cry every time I hear it because I think of Blake.

Somewhere a trumpet sounds in the night

A soldier is standing there

It's calling him out to the stars and stripes

It's calling him God knows where.

He kisses the ones he loves good-bye

And leaves in the dead of night.

For freedom he'll heed the call

Leave all he knows

And for freedom he'll stand and fight.

And somewhere a man and wife

can't believe they're waving their girl good-bye

For gone are the days of pig-tails and curls and candlelit lullabies.

If they had their way she'd stay young forever

And never be far from home.

But freedom has drawn her heart to danger's shore

And for freedom they'll let her go.

And somewhere a thunderous crash in the night;

It echoes all through the hills.

Though many escape it's wrath and it's rage

A soldier lies wounded still.

Remembering the land he loves; he cries

I've loved you with all my might

For freedom said I'm her son whatever comes

And for freedom I'll say good-bye.

And somewhere beneath the stars and the sky

Our flag is still standing there

She bled and she brought one land under God

Her colors still lead us there

She's carried the lives of those before us

She's buried the bold and brave

For freedom she holds our hopes and hand up high

And for freedom she'll ever wave.

Silence and Awe

2009-11-14T22:23:00.004-06:00

I haven't had a lot to say lately and I'm not sure why. Maybe because the people at my job are driving me nuts. Maybe it's because I have to change some things in my life right now that I don't necessarily want to--at all. Maybe it's because I've just been thinking instead of talking.

"Be still and know that He is God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in all the earth."

Psalm 46:10

I've been reading the Psalms lately. And I couldn't be happier reading them. Now, granted, I'm not in that 46th chapter just yet...but I'm getting there. I love reading the Psalms. The words bring joy to my heart and the knowledge that He is with me all the time. He holds me close and never forgets about me.

"Keep me as the apple of your eye.

Hide me in the shadow of your wings."

Psalm 17:8

He doesn't ignore me. He hears whenever I call out to Him. How powerful! I am the scum of the Earth to Him and yet; He still wants a relationship with me. Awesome. I have done Him so wrong and still He loves me. That absolutely blows my mind.

"The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;

the Lord accepts my prayer."

Psalm 6:9

This really neat this happened at work on Wednesday. As you probably know, it was Veteran's Day and we were giving free smoothies for anyone in a service uniform. These two people in uniform came in to order and it was clearly their first time, right in the middle of the lunch rush--no doubt. As they were ordering, this lady behind them caught my attention and mouthed the words, "I want to pay for their meal." So the couple finished ordering and after I took the smoothie prices off they were left with a certain amount and the lady behind them stepped up and said, "I would like to pay for your meal to say 'Thanks for serving our country.'" I almost started crying! How moving is that! It's so incredible that there are still good people in this world. I would have paid for their meal if I had thought of it myself, but I didn't. HA! May God bless that lady! Anyway, the end of the story is the couple was so thankful and the lady in uniform was so moved that she hugged the one who paid for her meal! I will never forget this for as long as I live.

Thank you to all who have served my country.

katie

Got Any Change?

2009-11-01T20:23:00.004-06:00

Last week was a huge reminder of change in my life.

A change from childhood into adulthood.

A change from life to death.

A change from light to dark.

A change...

I'm not very good with change to begin with, especially when that person or place or event has been in my life for long. It will take me a lifetime to get used to the fact that my Daddy is no longer here on this earth. I may know that he is not here and I may cope with it but I will never be used to it or okay with it. You know, when he passed away, people said, "Think of God as your Daddy". Well thanks for the advice, but it's not the same. But trusting in my Lord makes it better and bearable.

I hope that one day there will be a big change that I'm excited about...like marriage! I don't want to be afraid my whole life. I know it will come for me and I honestly cannot wait, but I also know that I have a lot of things to work out in my life before that can happen.

"And we know that God causes everything

to work together for the good of those who love God

and are called according to His purpose for them."

Romans 8:28 NLT

I know that He has and will work everything out for my good because I love Him. I cannot wait to see how He has planned my life! I just can't wait!

Speaking of change, like my blog change? I thought it was time!

Until next time...

katie

Dear Bekah,

2009-10-30T09:59:00.001-05:00

You have no idea what you mean to me. I'm writing you this letter because I could never say this in person. I wouldn't be able to get through it without breaking down.

You are so special to me, even more now. Your friendship is so incredibly meaningful to me. You're a wonderful listener. You make me laugh a lot! And I know that God meant for our paths to cross in this life. He meant for us to be friends for lots of reasons, this being one of them. I know you've heard the phrase, "Everything happens for a reason." Well, I've never understood it and I still don't. It's possible that I'll never understand it. But in some way, I know it's true. God planned this in such an amazing way to let both of us know that we are never alone. I know that people are put in our lives for incredible reasons. People come and go before us so that we can, in some way, be helped and comforted by their stories and experiences.

I know you'll remember this. Remember in Grey's when George's dad dies and Christina is talking to him. She welcomes him into the "Club". The Dead Dad's Club. As of Monday night, you became a member, and Bek, it breaks my heart to welcome you into that club. I never like welcoming a new member, nor do I get excited about club meetings or events. But the club discussions truly do bring a comforting feeling and remind me that everyone else feels the same things that I do.

Remembering my dad and how everything happened, comes in flashes especially in times like these. But our dads will be in our hearts forever. You are an incredible person and through this time you will find out things about yourself, good and bad. My dad's favorite phrase was, "Don't forget Whose you are." Every time I went on a trip or a sleepover, or even something as simple as going to school, he would always tell me not to forget Whose I am. It would remind me to always honor, not only my family with my words and actions, but more importantly--my Heavenly Father.

Bek, we talked on Wednesday when we had dinner, about people who say they care. But we always wondered where they were beforehand. And soon, I'm afraid, you will wonder where they have gone. Well, even when people forget details and drift away as most will, He never will. He will always be there for you. I also remember a talk a while back about how sometimes that doesn't help. "My dad's not here with me," we say. But Bek, look where he is right now. The most indescribable place we could ever imagine--beyond our imagination! Heaven absolutely just blows my mind when I think about it. I can't stop thinking about the streets of gold and the pearly gates. But more than that, to imagine a place where there is no pain, tears, worry, and sorrow is absolutely incredible. We cannot begin to know what that is like. We are so filled with worry, pain, and grief here on Earth, that we cannot fathom the intensity of Heaven. But he is there with my dad. I just know it.

I loved your dad, Bek, and I truly cannot believe he is gone and that we are both fatherless. But we need to remember and cling to the fact that our Heavenly Father loves us more than our daddy's ever did. He wants us to come before Him even when we are angry. He can do anything.

"The Lord your God is with you.

He is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

He will quiet you with His love..."

Zephaniah 3:17

"Come to Me, all you who

are weary and heavy-burdened

and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

Bek, God has shown me so many things about life and death and everything in between. I am just now coming back to Him with all my needs. It takes time to heal and don't you ever let anyone rush you or make you feel bad for not doing things. Grief is an individual process. Just remember, you can always talk to Him--always. He's always there in your heart, all you have to do it talk. He knows what you're thinking anyway so, you might as well just say it out loud. ;)

I love you so much. You are like a sister to me. Let me know how you're feeling. Tell me you want and need to get out. I am here for you. I will always be here for you. Always, always remember that, ok? Ask me anything you want and I'll tell you what I know and what I've learned. And we will learn some things together. I know what you're going through. I love you.

All My Love,

katie

A New Year

2009-10-25T21:32:00.003-05:00

Happy Anniversary to me! It's been a year ago today that I entered the Blogspot world. I feel like it's been a good year. Lots of things have happened, good and bad. Both that I can and have learned from. I thank God for those experiences!

To all of my prayer warrior friends, I need you. One of my best friends, Bekah, needs prayer right now. Her whole family needs your prayers right now, especially her dad, Rick. You see, Rick has had cancer for a couple of years now and has been in and out of remission. It has gotten to the point now that he's being sent home tomorrow with Hospice, that is, if he makes it through the night. I pray that he does. The last thing that I want to see is one of my best friends go through a very similar tragedy that I went through almost 4 years ago.

It's so hard to believe that it will be 4 years in February...

God has been so faithful through the years. He has been able to renew my faith and remain steadfast.

"Create in me a pure heart,

O God, and renew a steadfast

spirit within me."

Psalm 51:10

I just hope that Bekah finds the promises that God has bestowed upon me over the years. I know that His promises will be revealed to her in His perfect timing. I cannot wait for Bekah's restoration. I continue to pray for her daily through this time.

Thanks.

Until next time...

katie

Bagels, Basketball, and Laughter!

2009-10-23T21:53:00.005-05:00

Mesha- "Hey Katie, can you make that bagel?"

(sounds easy, right?)

Katie- "Oh yeah, sure." First mistake.

It is an amazing skill to cut a bagel and cut your finger WITHOUT getting blood on the bagel. Yes, I was wearing gloves...but still. The blood filled up the entire finger in my glove.

ANYWAY!! This week has been crazy. Monday and Tuesday, I opened at work, watched a little girl both days, AND went to church and helped out with Upward Evaluations for this Spring! Wednesday, I went with my trio to sing at the Lions World Services for the Blind and sang a whole set! It went really well! I could feel God moving and people were enjoying it! And yesterday, I watched my favorite baby, Kate!!

AAAAND...I finally heard her laugh!!! It was so exciting to finally hear that!! It completely made my week! And today...I cut my finger. A wonderful end to a great week!!

And this weekend is CITYFEST!! I'm sure I will post pics from there.

Until then...

Fall Family Festival 2009!

2009-10-22T21:10:00.004-05:00

Only One Amazing Race

2009-10-20T21:19:00.007-05:00

I hope that all of your weeks started out wonderful!! My week has been busy busy!! Full of pictures and fun! I'll start with Saturday!

Saturday started out early! The youth at my church always do an "Amazing Race" every year about this time. Well Saturday was it! It was a BLAST!! I drove my team, Olivia and Kinley to Arkadelphia which is about an hour away from here. First we went to a park and did different things around the park then we went to the Spillway (or Dam or whatever you want to call it) for lunch. Lots of fun was had and eventually my team WONN!!! We are amazing. Yes.

So we got finished around 3:45 and I got on the freeway to come home at 4!! I got a call that I needed to babysit at 4:45! Cutting it close, I asked if the time was a little bit flexible. They said absolutely and I got there about 5ish to watch such a precious little baby Olive!

Sunday was the most fun, but I'm thinking I will have to do a whole other post with pictures of our Fall Festival that we had at my church that night! I will just tell you about what I discovered that morning.

God was apparently trying to get it in my thick skull that He really does know best and that He is Almighty and absolutely incredible. Well in my college Sunday School class, we've started going through 1st and 2nd Thessalonians which has been really interesting. Well we came across a group of 3 verses that I have clung to ever since I read them. I had been thinking about my dad basically the whole weekend. I was just missing him and wishing I could talk to him and see what he would say about a lot of things in my life right now and ask his advice. So, I read these verses:

"For God chose to save us

through our Lord Jesus Christ,

not to pour out his anger on us.

Christ died for us,

so that whether we are

dead or alive when he returns,

we can live with him forever.

So encourage each other and

build each other up,

just as you are already doing."

1 Thessalonions 5:9-11

Three incredibly powerful verses. My favorite being verse 10 in bold. That verse is so incredibly comforting to me. Every believer has doubts at some point in time, but I have no more doubts about where my dad is. I know that I will be with him in Heaven someday and I cannot wait.

"Therefore since we are surrounded

by such a great cloud of witnesses,

let us throw off everything that hinders

and the sin that so easily entangles,

and let us run with perseverance

the race that is marked for us.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus,

the author and perfecter of our faith, [...]"

Hebrews 12:1-2a

So have an Amazing Race.

katie

PS. I am also looking for suggestions for a name for my new blog...I used to be called Miss Katie, if that helps. Looking forward to hearing what you've come up with!

Additional Blog??

2009-10-14T20:31:00.004-05:00

If I created a new blog for the adventures that I have babysitting/nannying...would you follow me?

I have so many stories and pictures that I can share from all kinds of families from all walks of life. They are funny, sad, interesting, frustrating and just plain strange. Would you follow me?

I hope you all are having a great week so far...it's almost over. I can't wait til Friday! Mainly because I get to watch my new favorite baby, Kate!!

This little bundle of joy is Kate! She is clearly talking in this picture. I have yet to hear her laugh in my presence yet. But I am hoping and waiting for it on Friday! :) The new blog will be able to let me tell you about my findings as a nanny. I will give bits of advice, funny stories, and great pictures!!

I'm still thinking of a name of my additional blog, otherwise, I would have a link for you.

Stay tuned!!

-katie

The "What If" Game

2009-10-11T17:26:00.003-05:00

"And we know that God

causes everything to work together

for the good of those

who love God and

are called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:28

I believe that I've been given a challenge from God.

Imagine that a really really good friend and her husband were in trouble. Imagine that their 4 children would be taken from them. What would you do? Step up or step back? What if you stepped back? How would you feel? Glad you didn't have to deal with it? Ashamed you didn't do more or anything at all? I realize it's not your responsibility...but aren't we supposed to help others, the less fortunate, the widows and orphans? Why is it that we are called to carry these things through but when the opportunity comes up we pass it by, saying we are too busy or don't have the funds or the space?

God will work everything out if you love Him. I feel like I'm in His plan right now. But right now, I'm just waiting...waiting until He says, "Go." That's all that I can do. I have no control over my circumstances right now. It is absolutely terrifying.

So, what if you stepped up? Brought the kids in your house and loved them as your own? Your life is turned upside down. Is it worth it? You're in God's plan, right? It's completely worth it. Every minute is a lesson. Every second is an experience. How can it not be worth it?

What if...

What a phrase. We can play "What if" all day long, right? I can only focus on "What is". And what is right now is life. Love. Blessings. I can't wait to see where God takes me. I feel like he is testing me, almost the way he tested Abraham. God asked him to take Isaac to the mountain (Genesis 22). Even thought I am not giving up my only son, which I don't have, I still feel as though I am following the Lord's calling. These people are in trouble. I will help them, not for me, not for the parents, but for God and the children. I love them so much.

Trusting God is an interesting concept. I'm putting my life in the hands of someone I have never seen. But I know He's there. I can feel Him. He works in my life. I am so thankful for that.

Pray for me as God makes things work for me because I love Him.

"So don't worry about tomorrow,

for tomorrow will bring it's own worries.

Today's trouble is enough for today."

Matthew 6:34 (NLT)

Until next time...

katie

All Else Fades...

2009-10-07T08:32:00.001-05:00

For about a week and a half now, I've been caught up in the words of this beautiful song. It has been coming on everytime I get in my car to go somewhere. Literally, every time. It speaks to me so. I loving getting caught up in the words. I just belt out the song in my car. I probably look like the biggest idiot, drumming on the steering wheel, makin' the "rockin' out" faces and such. Wow...I can just see it.

"A thousand times I fail

Still your mercy remains

Should I stumble again

Still I'm calling your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never-ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame.

Your will above all else

My purpose remains

The art of losing myself

In bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never-ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame.

My heart and my soul

I give you control

Consume me from the inside out

Let justice and praise become my praise

To love you from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never-ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame.

And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise from the inside out

My soul cries out

I give you control

Consume me from the inside out

Let justice and praise become my praise

To love you from the inside out"

-Seventh Day Slumber

These words have been on my heart lately and I thought I'd share them with you! This song is so powerful. The actual title is "From the Inside Out" by Seventh Day Slumber.

I hope your week has been good so far. Mine has been fine. Today was just ok. It's about to get better though. It's choir time. All my stress and such melts away when I sing. When I am praising my Jesus, it's the best time. I hope it's the same with you.

-katie

Ups and Downs

2009-09-25T21:47:00.004-05:00

You know those times...times when you want to crawl in a hole and just stay there until that bit of time passes? Well...I felt a bit like that yesterday.

A friend of mine that I haven't seen in years came into where I work (notice the anonymity) and we started chatting. I went to Elementary school with her son and she was my chaperone on a trip from those years. So we pulled the usual "how are you's" and "what have you been up to's". After those were answered, she asked how my parents' business was doing. I gave her a nervous chuckle and muttered something like, "oh, you don't know, do you?" And with a confused look on her face, I told her the dreaded news. "My dad passed away three and a half years ago," I said. Within milliseconds her confused look changed into shock. I briefly explained what happened and still shock covered her face. She conveyed her sincerest regrets and we went back to the bit of small talk that was happening before.

I never know how to handle those situations. Those people whom I haven't seen in ages say their sorry's and hug me with the most love they can possibly give, but I still feel bad. Not because it reminds me that my dad isn't with us anymore, but because I'm bringing sadness to them. I'm the type of person who is happy most all the time. That is my mood. Happy. But when I have to tell people about my dad going to be with Jesus, the mood drops. And there are only a few times when it recovers back to those happy moments before the horrible news, depending on the person and their view on life.

I hate those moments. I hate giving people news that is going to make them sad. I mean, they are expecting to hear, "Yeah, we still have The Hop and we are loving it! We are all doing amazingly!" Instead they are hearing, "He passed away three and a half years ago and we don't know why." It's very depressing having to tell them that. I know I'm not the only one who knows this feeling. It's awful.

Just a little rant...

-katie

"The Tragedy of the Unopened Gift"

2009-09-22T23:57:00.007-05:00

Happy Fall, Y'all!!!!!

It's Bible Study time here in the big L-R!

My church hosts Bible studies in the fall every year in different people's houses. It's a great time of year. We get to eat and just hang out with great people and worship Him by being in fellowship with fellow believers. It's such a great feeling! And I love my Small Group! Mary, Jennifer, Amanda (the hostess), Shawn, and Vicki are all in our group as of now. Anyway, we are doing a study from the book called, "If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat" by John Ortberg. It's a study about learning to trust God and it centers around Peter's adventure of walking on water.

How much courage did it take for Peter to step out of the boat with all those other people back in the boat saying--no way, man, there's no way I'm getting out of this boat, I will sink! If I could just remember to keep my eyes on Him...I can only imagine what could be. I try to trust God with my whole heart but it is incredibly difficult. We always want to be in control. As a human being, we feel that we can handle anything that comes our way. But we can't. I can't. I am so incapable of doing the simplest thing without His hands. I truly do not see how people go through the hard times without Him. I can't imagine where I'd be if He wasn't my King.

Sorry, I got side tracked. Sunday, we talked about gifts. We read Matthew 25:14-30; the story of the talents. Why did he give 5, 2, and 1? Why did the man with the one talent not invest his talent? Why didn't he seize the opportunity he was presented? Fear. Fear of what? Failure? Disappointment?

Do you have a gift? What is it? You can tell me, really.

Are you doing something with your gift? If so, what? Go on! Tell me! I want to know...

If not, why not? It's ok...

I have been thinking about my gift since that question was asked. Several answers have gone through my head and I still don't know if any of these are worth mentioning.

Possible Gifts:

--Singing...I love to sing but I am horribly shy when it comes time to sing in front of others. I consider my voice a blessing that I can share. I love that my mom and I are able to sing together in church every so often. In the end, I'm singing to my Provider, my Comforter, and my Father.

--Children...I cannot express the joy that I feel when I'm with kids. I am definitely a kid at heart even though I'm only 21. I love their lust for life! Nothing is wrong in their world. The innocence in their smiles. Their carefree laughter. *Sigh* I wish I was 5.

I'm so blind to myself. Do you have any suggestions? What are my gifts? I really want to know!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'd like to share a beautiful quote from author Gregg Levoy, entitled "The Tragedy of the Unopened Gift".

"To sinful patterns of behavior that never get confronted and changed,

Abilities and gifts that never get cultivated and deployed --

Until weeks become months

And months turn into years,

And one day you're looking back on a life of

Deep, intimate, gut-wrenchingly honest conversations you never had;

Great bold prayers you never prayed,

Exhilarating risks you never took,

Sacrificial gifts you never offered,

Lives you never touched,

And you're sitting in a recliner with a shriveled soul,

And forgotten dreams, and you realize there was a world of desperate need,

And a great God calling you to be part of something bigger than yourself --

You see the person you could have become but did not;

You never followed your calling.

You never got out of the boat.

--Gregg Levoy

I'm going to make a conscious effort to step out of my boat. Step out into unfamiliar territory and follow God's plan for my life. Follow my dreams. Do everything that I can for Him so I can hear the words that many before me have already heard, including my own father.

"Well done, my good and faithful servant."

Everyone has a gift. It is most likely that you have more than one gift. What's yours?

Speechless...

2009-09-17T22:10:00.002-05:00

A lot of things are going through my head right now and I can't seem to pick which one to write about so, I'm not going to write about any of them.

Why? How? When?

One thing I know and want:

"But as for me, behold,

I am in your hands;

do with me as is

good and right in your sight."

--Jeremiah 26:14

Thank You, Lord, for this verse.

I'm so glad that I can put myself in God's hands and never have to worry about anything. He is my Provider (Mt. 6:11). He is my Comforter (Ps 69:20). He is the I AM (Exodus 3:14).

How can you not know?

--katie

Reevaluation

2009-09-11T11:24:00.000-05:00

I just reread my blogpost entitled "Joy". I hate that I have focused on what my dad has missed. Why can't I focus on what he did while he was here with us? Well...here it goes:

I don't know much about his life...but, I do know that he loved his childhood. He spent a lot of time with his grandparents. His grandmother who he called, Ging, was apparently an amazing cook, as was his mother. Ging and Grandad lived in an incredible house in Clarksville. I have been there and it is truly an amazing house. Wrap around porches have never been so appealing. It's beautiful and it has been named an historic landmark. My dad loved spending summers there with his sister, Bettye, brother, Fletcher, and cousins, Beth and Jane--and I'm sure a few others. Aunt Bettye, Uncle Fletcher, Beth, and Jane all tell amazing stories of those times. I live for those stories. There's a favorite story of mine that involves eating rotten Easter eggs and getting sick! :)

I'm going to skip ahead to the last 30 years. Uncle Fletcher, Dad's brother, was getting married. Dad was apart of it, obviously. My mom's friend was the bride. So my parents met and were married 3 months later, I believe is how the story goes. November 3rd, 1978, a wedding was had and many attended. They said "I do" and spent 27 years together. Almost 10 years after they were married, they had me! What a blessing! *rolls eyes* ;) Frank and Connie became parents. They loved it and still do. I was a Daddy's girl with a best friend as a Mom. What a team!

My dad went through several different job, which is where I get it from. He spent a lot of time in the food service industry. Cooking for KFC and Izzy's, owning The Spot & The Hop Drive-In, and several other places. Owning The Hop Drive-In was the best 6 years of our lives. We worked together as a family serving people, our favorite past-time.

He always had great advice too: Follow your heart. Don't forget Whose you are. Love. Laugh at yourself. Dad wanted me to be a teacher and personally I can't think of anything I wouldn't want to do more. I guess he figured that I'm good with kids and am able to relate to them easily. I'm a kid at heart after all. And I love helping people, especially people in need.

I am so blessed to have a man who loved me. Not only a father, but a Daddy. I love you, Daddy, and I miss you.

Artsy Fartsy

2009-09-10T11:54:00.004-05:00

I love to doodle and create different things for people. Often pottery is my craft of choice. I always love going and picking out my colors and utensils and plate or bowl or whatever. But my favorite thing about creating these things is the look on the faces of the recipients! The look of absolute shock that I would think enough to do that for them. That's what I love to do though!!

This particular plate below was made for *horn blows* a little girl named Kelley who I nannied for in 2007. And she is shown below the plate.

^^Kelley Grace

I made this plate when my childhood friend, Kali Sparks, passed away May 28, 2008. We went to pretty much all of school together--preschool through graduation. She was an angel and now she really does have her wings. I miss her. More so, I miss her presence in this world. We weren't very close but I will always miss her.

I made the below pieces just because I love art.

This is the inside of the above pictures. And the random yellow spots are just a reflection. The one in the middle is the only true yellow.

the end.

Joy

2009-09-08T21:36:00.003-05:00

My mom and I were talking about my dad the other day. I was asking her if she had ever thought about what our lives would be like if he had not passed away. He would be all healed up and back to work. We would be living in a house. Both of my parents would have jobs. I would probably still be in college--getting ready to graduate in May, most likely. I might have a boyfriend. I could be engaged or very close to it. I'll never know.

I honestly cannot vividly picture my life if my dad were here. I can imagine all I want but in the end, it's me and mom. I would never have struggled with the trauma of his injury and his journey to meet his Maker. I wouldn't be grieving his death right now. I wouldn't have to avoid questions like, "What's your dad's name?" or "What does your dad do?". I could say, "My dad's name is Frank" and "My dad is a...".

But I also consider it a huge blessing. Sometimes I don't understand where this joy comes from. I can only rest in the fact that God gives me a joy to live. If my dad hadn't died 3 and a half years ago, I would never have met certain people. I never would've had the excruciating grief in common with them. We wouldn't be in the "Dead Parent's Club". I've always said "It's a club that I never want to welcome someone into." I would not have started babysitting Jackson, Cate, and Graham. I would never have talked to them about their dad. It's a continuous cycle of "I would never have". And you know what, I think I would've been happy because I wouldn't have known any different.

There are definite drawbacks though. He never saw me turn 18 and up. He didn't get to see me graduate high school. He didn't get to keep being apart of his church community. He didn't get to meet his brother's wife, daughter, and son in person. He's never seen the tears I have shed for him not being here. He won't get to meet my future husband. He won't get to approve or disapprove of him. He won't get to walk me down the aisle to give me away, although I think I have a good substitute--it won't be the same. And the most important of all, for me: he won't get to meet his grandchildren. He won't get to see them grow up or be able to tell them stories. I won't get to see the tears in his eyes when I tell him that he'll be a grandfather.

"Restore me to the joy of your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit,

to sustain me." Psalm 51:12

"Satisfy us in the morning

with your unfailing love,

that we may sing for joy

and be glad all our days." Psalm 90:14

and...my absolute favorite verse is:

"Let the morning bring me word

of your unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in You.

Show me the way I should go,

for to You I lift up my soul." Psalm 143:8

Be joyful. You never know what God's going to do next!!

Have Your Way

2009-09-03T21:33:00.004-05:00

Britt Nicole's new CD, The Lost Get Found, has some amazing songs. "Have Your Way" is one of them. I've had this CD for almost a month now and hadn't gotten the message of this particular song until today and it really hit home. It talks about when you're in a place in your life that seems to be going no where. You know that God is with you but you haven't seen or felt Him in a while. My favorite part chimes in with:

"But you promised you'd take care of me,

So I'll stop searching for the answers,

I'll stop praying for and asking,

I'll trust you, God, with where I am,

And believe you will have your way,

Just have your way"

This song has such a great message...especially where I am in my life right at this moment. I just need to stop doing things on my own, relying on myself, and trust that God's plan is so incredibly fitting for me. I have to believe that God has me right where I'm supposed to be. I just have to say, "Just have your way, Lord".

But, how hard is that! We are human beings, so imperfect, that we always want to have control over our lives and the things that happen to us. The kicker is that we have NO control whatsoever of our lives or what happens to us. None of us knows when we will breathe our last breath. But we aren't supposed to know that. Romans 8:18 says,

"I consider that our present sufferings

are not worth comparing with

the glory that will be revealed in us."

Also, Matthew 24:36 says,

"No one knows about that day or hour,

not even the angels in Heaven,

or the Son, but only the Father."

If God wanted me to know certain things, He would've told me already.

I still owe y'all that last chapter from the book...next time?

-katie

Please Be Gentle

2009-09-01T14:04:00.003-05:00

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving. The sea I swim in is a lonely one and the shore seems miles away. Waves of despair numb my soul as I struggle through each day. My heart is heavy with sorrow. I want to shout and scream and repeatedly ask 'why?' At times, my grief overwhelms me and I weep bitterly, so great is my loss. Please don’t turn away or tell me to move on with my life. I must embrace my pain before I can begin to heal. Companion me through tears and sit with me in loving silence. Honor where I am in my journey, not where you think I should be. Listen patiently to my story, I may need to tell it over and over again. It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss. Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead. Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable. A small flame still burns within my heart, and shared memories may trigger both laughter and tears. I need your support and understanding. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I must find my own path. Please, will you walk beside me?

I found this poem a couple of years ago and it completely depicts how I'm feeling.

Thank you to all who have been so patient with me in this process.

I love you all

-katie

Philippians 1:3

2009-08-20T23:15:00.010-05:00

This is the Willis family. Jeff and Margaret and their beautiful children, Jackson, Cate, and Graham. This picture was taken Easter of 2006. The last Easter for them to be a complete family. You see, Jeff passed away of cancer August 21st, 2006--3 years ago today. This family is so very special to me. They are strong and beautiful and loving. While they do have their differences and fights, the laughs are far more important and tangible. And are their laughs incredible!! I think that is my favorite part about kids. Laughing is healing to the soul. It has been my life's goal to never go a day without laughing and to pass that on to who I'm around. And I've definitely tried to pass that on to these amazing people.

Jeffrey Graham Willis, age 9, is so incredibly special to me. He is the baby of this family. He is smart as a whip, though. Graham loves to play drums--he wants to be a drum teacher. He is also very snuggly. He'll just come up and give me a hug for no reason. I love those random hugs!

Catherine Margaret Willis, age 11 (12 in October), is such a great friend. She and I could talk about anything or nothing at all. We could look at each other and just start laughing. We have definitely had our fights, just like any other friendship, but we always make up. God put Cate in my life for a huge reason. Both of our dads are gone now and that means we have a special bond. I have written before about how Cate and I will miss out on lots of different things in our lives with our fathers. I told Cate that if she ever wanted to talk or anything to call or come and talk to me; I just hope God reminds her of that.

Jackson Alan Willis, age 14, is the ultimate little brother! If I ever had a little brother, I think Jackson would be it! Jackson and I have a special relationship. We can talk about anything. Whenever we talk, we come out laughing. He is so incredibly deep in his faith and he knows who he is. He is just an incredible person all around!! I love him so much!

But whether they like it or not, they are a family minus one. And they are an incredible family all around. Margaret is such a great friend to me. She's always so supportive and loving. She's always willing to listen and give her opinion. I can't imagine my life without her friendship! She is absolutely the best!

Love them.

katie

Bow the Knee

2009-08-19T21:40:00.006-05:00

"Lift your eyes toward Heaven and believe the One who holds eternity.

And when you don't understand the purpose of His plan,

In the presence of the King, bow the knee."

We sang this song in choir tonight. It really made an impression on me and it's so true. Sometimes we don't understand why things happen in our lives but we have to surrender to Him and trust that He knows how life is going to turn out for us.

I got a job at a special needs school here as a teacher's assistant. And I'm still not sure if I'm going to like it or if that's what I'm called to do. But He knows. I just need to bow to Him--surrender all to Him and let life happen as He intended all along. He has a plan for my life and I hope that I'm in that plan right now. I definitely feel like I am. Everything is falling into place just like I knew it would. It was hard, but I trusted that God would provide for me.

"All to Jesus I surrender

All to Him I freely give.

I will ever love and trust Him

In His presence daily live.

I surrender all, I surrender all,

All to Thee, my blessed Savior,

I surrender all."

Until next time...I still owe y'all a chapter.

katie

Untitled.

2009-07-17T14:58:00.003-05:00

I miss my dad. I've been looking at his picture almost the entire day. I miss his laugh and the way he used to call me "Pea Baby". I want to be 10 again so I can have 7 more years with him. I almost want to go back to before it all happened and ask him not to go to work that day. But I know that my life wouldn't be the same. It's hard for me to imagine what my life would be like right now if my dad was here with us. We'd definitely live in a house. I would probably be in school--going into my senior year in college. *Sigh*, I can't believe it's almost been 3.5 years...

As tears fall down my face, I keep thinking back to the last day that I saw him. My aunt (Dad's sister) took me home to clean up. I knew that there was a possibility that I wouldn't see him alive again. So, I went up to his bed and said, "Daddy, I'm leaving. I love you." He looked at me and blinked hard, almost like he was trying to keep from crying. I turned away so that I wouldn't cry. I turned back around to him and he mouthed, "I love you too."

What I wouldn't give to hear that one last time! I would give anything to hear that laugh again. I want to hear him call me Pea Baby or Sweet Pea. I want to talk to him about things--guys, family, God, friends. But I can't. And I hate it.

I was not ready to say goodbye to him. I was not ready to let him go. He's having the biggest party in Heaven. He's laughing it up with his parents, friends, family friends, and all who've gone before him.

I read a book once, 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper. Don went to Heaven for an hour and a half. He described it as indescribable with earthly words. He also described how he felt. He said that he felt whole, happy, and not thinking about who he left on earth. My dad's not thinking about us. He's not caught up in the fact that we are struggling. He's not heartbroken for us. I almost wish he was. But he has a smile on his face all the time. And what a great smile he had! He is worshipping his Creator every minute. But I just can't get it off my mind that he's not thinking about me. I think about him everyday.

I'll never be the same.

Pics!!

2009-07-16T17:55:00.004-05:00

Forever

2009-07-13T14:53:00.005-05:00

So this weekend (9th-12th), I went to Children's Camp with the kids from my church. Some were annoying, some were great, and some were--well, there. God was there the whole time. I felt Him around. I felt Him there, more than I have here in a while. The last night we worshipped together we sang the song "Forever" by Chris Tomlin. Those words have never hit me like this before.

"Forever God is faithful

Forever God is strong

Forever God is with us, Forever."

I could just sing that song over and over again. "His Love Endures Forever"

Why is God faithful? If God is faithful then why are we so mad when something horrible happens to us in our lives? Faithful means steadfast in affection, loyal, unswerving in allegiance. How are we supposed to trust Him again when something or someone is taken away from us? Faith. Why does He want us to trust Him so much? Because He wants us to tell Him everything, even if we are mad. Someone once told me if I'm mad at God, go out to a field just you and Him and just scream. Just yell at Him. Yell and tell Him that you are angry and that you hate the situation.

The theme at camp this week was Flip (Matthew 20:1-16). Flip your life upside down for Him. Chris Brooks was the speaker along with the band, The Chris Orr Band. Brooks pointed out to everyone there that you can't hide from God. He's always with us and He always has His eye on us.

"What is the price of two sparrows--one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it." --Matthew 10:29

That is oddly comforting. He is so aware of what is going on everywhere at the same time, even the sparrows are taken care of. He knows how many hairs are on our heads.

Anyway, I realized that I cannot hide the fact that I am mad at God for several things. But, does that fact keep me from having good days? I don't think so. God is still with me and I'm trying so hard to trust Him with my life. I fail so many times, but I try to pray everyday--at least once.

It's better for me to keep a prayer journal. It helps me to see my words and actually remember what I'm talking about.

Ok, so, I'm back from Camp. Woot! I'm trying to do the whole Photography thing now. I'll be posting some pictures to see what everyone thinks about some of them. Let me know!

Until next time...do I have another chapter to go in that book?

katie

Freedom and Memories

2009-07-05T18:32:00.002-05:00

Happy 4th Everyone!!

I hope everyone was lucky enough to partake in some sort of fireworks! I did not :(

I missed my dad this weekend. Every year on the 4th of July weekend we would go somewhere--Branson or St. Louis! It's strange what hits you. I miss vacations with him.

and that's about all I have for you right now.

no wisdom.

Until next time...Chapter 5...

Good Riddance

2009-06-27T09:37:00.002-05:00

Chapter 4

"The landfill is tall with trash--papers and broken brooms and old beds and rusty cars. By the time they reach the hill, the line to the top is long. Hundreds walk ahead of them. All wait in silence, stunned by what they hear--a scream, a pain-pierced roar that hangs in the air for moments, interrupted only by a groan. Then the scream again.

His.

As they draw nearer, they know why. He kneels before each, gesturing toward the sack, offering a request, then a prayer. 'May I have it? And may you never feel it again." Then he bows his head and lifts the sack, emptying his contents upon himself. The selfishness of the glutton, the bitterness of the angry, the possessiveness of the insecure. He feels what they felt.

It is as if he'd lied or cheated or cursed his Maker.

Upon her turn, the woman pauses. Hesitates. His eyes compel her to step forward. He reaches for her trash and takes it from her. 'You can't live with this,' he explains. 'You weren't made to.'

With head down, he empties her shame upon his shoulders. Then looking toward the heavens with tear-flooded eyes, he screams, 'I'm sorry!'

'But you did nothing!' she cries.

Still, he sobs as she has sobbed into her pillow a hundred nights. That's when she realizes that his cry is hers. Her shame his.

With her thumb she touches his cheek, and for the first step in a long nighttime, she has no trash to carry.

With the other's she stands at the base of the hill and watches as he is buried under a mound of misery. For some time he moans. Then nothing. Just silence."

We had Vacation Bible School this week at my church. Boomerang Express! The kids learned 5 Bible verses each with their own meaning. But the last one coincides with this book, "Give it All to Him".

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

It seems strange to me that if we just tell Jesus what we have done wrong and ask for forgiveness, He will grant it. No questions asked. And after we are forgiven, we are no longer bound by shame, guilt, lust, or greed. We are free. But why do we still feel the guilt? If God has cleansed us like he says, then why are we still shamed by the guilt and guilted by the shame?

Max Lucado gives a very good analogy: "Confession does for the soul what preparing the land does for the field. Before the farmer sows the seed, he works the acreage, removing the rocks and pulling the stumps. He knows that seed grows better if the land is prepared." And my favorite sentence in the whole book: "Confession is the act of inviting God to walk the acreage of our hearts." (Such a neat thought) " ' There is a rock of greed over there, Father. I can't budge it. And the tree of guilt near the fence? It's roots are long and deep. And may I show you some dry soil too crusty for seed?' God's seed grows better if the soil of our hearts is cleared."

Such a neat concept. Confession is the act of inviting God to walk the acreage of your heart. He's walking through your heart pruning, cutting back, fertilizing, encouraging and loving us to help us grow in Him. Wow.

"You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He cancelled the record that contained the charges against us. He took it and destroyed it by nailing it to Christ's cross." Colossians 2:14 (NLT)

Wow.

What can I leave at the cross?

What can you?

Until chapter 5...

Footprints in the Sand

2009-06-21T23:28:00.004-05:00

So it's my 4th Father's Day without my dad...and it never gets any easier. Ever since last year I've been getting upset about little things during the week before and sort of lashing out at people. I hate it because I don't really mean anything by it; it's just that I'm having a hard time.

My dad was a chef. My dad was a fisher. My dad was funny. My dad was goofy. My dad loved the Hogs. My dad loved talking about God--with anyone. My dad loved telling stories. My dad was a man of God. My dad was a Dad.

He used to call me "Pea Baby" and I loved it.

I don't know how people go through tragedies without God. I know I've had my differences with God, but all in all, He's there. He carries you through that storm and leaves one set of footprints.

"One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

So, I don't know what your situation is or how you live your life or what your relationship is with people. Tell your Dad that you love and appreciate him. I can't do that anymore and there's an ache that I cannot escape because of that.

Love.

P.S. The 4th chapter is coming, I promise. Maybe Tuesday!!

Let My Life, O Lord, Praise You

2009-06-13T20:49:00.005-05:00

Do you ever wish you could do more? I wish I could. . .

Do you ever wish you could be more? I do. . .

Do you ever wish there was more? I do. . .

More. . .Wishing. . .Dreaming. . .

Yesterday, I went to a family reunion. A place where we get to catch up on everyone's lives that we haven't seen for days, weeks, months, and years. A place where bonds are formed. Friendships are created and strengthened. Love abounds. Laughter and smiles are abundant.

In this particular family reunion, I got a chance to once again bond with my mom's 2nd cousin, Christy and her daughter, Nichole. Christy is so much fun! She's a mom of 3, Nichole (15), Nathan (13), and Elizabeth (12). And she just recently became a foster mom to 2 precious little girls, Kali (6) and Hannah (4-today). And if anyone was made to be a foster parent--it would be Christy. She is so ridiculously strong. She has thing presence about her that cannot be ignored, in the best way possible. She is very forceful but in a safe, loving, and fun way. If that doesn't make sense--you'd just have to meet her!

Anyway, we started talking about how and where she got involved. She said that she felt God calling her to be more influential and presented The C.A.L.L to her and her husband, Gary. They prayed about it and felt like being foster parents was what they needed and were called to be. Christy was telling me all of this, telling me that it is so rewarding to be that influential in someone's life. I told her that I have always wanted to do that. I used to ask my parents if we could foster kids. We never had the money or the space for them. I cannot wait to do this in my life.

I'm 21 years old. I know that I'm no where near emotionally and/or spiritually ready for this. And God knows that I won't be financially ready for it for a while (or until I give Him the reigns--I'm working on it) unless He decides to do something HUGE in my life. But in a way, I cannot wait. I can't wait for God to bless me so much that I almost can't handle it. I can't wait for this calling to be carried out into completion. Rewarding feels like such a lame word to describe how I'm going to feel when this happens. Blessed? Blissful? I don't know, maybe rewarding is the right word. Who knows?

We sang a song in church this morning entitled, "Praise You". It had a particular phrase in the song that spoke to me about this weekend. "Let my life, O Lord, Praise You." I want my life to praise His Holy Name. I want my actions and how I live my life to exalt Him.

"I cried out to Him with my mouth; his praise was on my tongue." --Psalm 66:17

"My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your splendor all day long." --Psalm 71:8

"I will sing of the LORD's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations." --Psalm 89:1

"But I will give repeated thanks to the LORD, praising Him to everyone." --Psalm 109:30

Everyone who asks me, "What are you going to do with your life?" "What's your major?" "What's your calling?"

People ask me, "If you could do one thing with your life, what would it be?"

Well, here it is: "I want to be a mom." That is always my answer. Whether the word foster has to be in front mom or not, I want to be a mom, always have.

I will be praying this through pretty much until it happens. I'm believing that this will happen in my life. When? How? I don't know, but God will be completely in it.

The next post will be chapter 4 of that book. I just wanted to write about this.

-katie

Taking Out the Trash

2009-06-09T21:53:00.002-05:00

Chapter 3

"She stiffens, steeling herself against the scorn she has learned to expect. As if she needed more shame. Stop him. But how? She awaits his judgement.

But it never comes. His voice is warm and his question honest. 'Will you give me your trash?'

Her head draws back. What can he mean?

'Give it to me. Tomorrow. At the landfill. Will you bring it?' He rubs a moist smudge from her cheek with his thumb and stands. 'Friday. The landfill.'

Long after he leaves, she sits, replaying the scene, retouching her cheek. His voice lingers; his invitation hovers. She tries to dismiss his words but can't. How could he know what he knew?

And how could he know and still be so kind? The memory sits on the couch of her soul, and uninvited but welcome guest.

That night's sleep brings her summer dreams. A young girl under blue skies and puffy clouds playing amid wildflowers, skirt twirling. she dreams of running with hands wide open, brushing the tops of sunflowers. She dreams of happy people filling a meadow with laughter and hope.

But when she wakes, the sky is dark, the clouds billowed, and the streets shadowed. At the foot of her bed lies her sack of trash. Hoisting it over her shoulder, she walks out of the apartment and down the stairs and onto the street, still slushy.

It's Friday.

For a time she stands, thinking. First wondering what he meant, then if he really meant it. She sighs. With hope just barely outweighing hopelessness, she turns toward the edge of town.

Others are walking in the same direction. The man beside her smells of alcohol. He's slept many nights in his suit. A teenage girl walks a few feet ahead. The woman of shame hurries to catch up. The girl volunteers an answer before the question can be asked: 'Rage. Rage at my father. Rage at my mother. I'm tired of anger. He said he'd take it.' She motions to the sack.

'I'm going to give it to him.'

The woman nods, and the two walk together."

Why does He want my trash so badly? Why does he want my reluctance, sorrow, pain, worry, grief, or anger? Why? Why me?

Max Lucado points out that God sees our burden and He wants it as well. He wants it. That is just completely crazy to me. Why would someone want to take on another's emotional and spiritual baggage? I'm sitting here thinking about it; and I've come up with nothing. Nothing. I guess the only answer that could possibly make sense is: He loves us. That's it. He loves us. That sentence alone blows my mind.

But it's not good to keep all those emotions bottled up inside of you. For me, I keep all those inside and then I blow up at the littlest thing that I get mad about. Giving them to Him seems to be a better option. But, we are human. We like to take care of things ourselves. We say things like "I can handle this" or "I'll take care of us" or we ask questions like "How am I going to get through this?" or "What am I going to do?" It's like we are taking care of everything instead of stepping aside and letting God work.

"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." --Matthew 11:28-29

That has been my theme verse for a few years now. I cannot explain how much comfort this verse brings me. This verse, along with others (Romans 8:28), I've been able to start working through the challenges that He has dealt me.

Until next chapter...

What's inside the Bags?

2009-06-02T09:13:00.003-05:00

Chapter 2

"Here comes a young mother. With one hand she leads a child; with the other she drags her load, bumpy and heavy.

Here comes an old man, face ravined with wrinkles. His trash sack is so long it hits the back of his legs as he walks. He glaces at the woman and tries to smile.

What weight would he be carrying? she wonders as he passes.

'Regrets'

She turns to see who spoke. Beside her on the bench sits a man. Tall, with angular cheeks and bright, kind eyes. Like hers, his jeans are mud stained. Unlike hers, his shoulders are straight.

He wears a T-Shirt and baseball cap. She looks around for his trash but doesn't see it.

He watches the old man disappear as he explains, 'As a young father, he worked many hours and neglected his family. His children don't love Him. His sack is full, full of regrets.'

She doesn't respond. And when she doesn't, he does.

'And yours?'

'Mine?' she asks looking at him.

'Shame.' His voice is gentle, compassionate.

She still doesn't speak, but neither does she turn away.

'Too many hours in the wrong arms. Last year. Last night. . . shame.'"

I love the way that Max Lucado writes. It is just so powerful, thoughtful even.

So the story continues. This time, another woman is the subject. A young mother.

The chapter goes on talking about loneliness, worry, pain, resentment and revenge, and failures.

I love this part of the loneliness section:

"Loneliness. It's a cry. A moan, a wail. It's a gasp whose origin is the recesses of our souls. Can you hear it? The abandoned child. The divorcee. The quiet home. The empty mailbox. The long days. The longer nights. The one-night stand. The forgotten birthday. The silent phone. . . Listen again. Tune out the traffic and turn down the TV. The cry is there."

People all over are lonely. They feel cut off from people or God.

What about worry? Lucado explains the meaning of worry. He tells us that "worry divides the mind. The biblical word for worry (merimnao) is a compound of two Greek words, merizo ('to divide') and nous ('the mind')." Our minds are in two different places when we worry. We are thinking on what needs to be done now. Then we worry about things that haven't come yet.

For example:

Present. I'm worried about money. Future. I'm worried that I will never marry.

Present. I'm worried I won't go back to school. Future. I'm worried that will effect my family.

Worry. Matthew 6:27 (NCV)

Pain.

"Part of you is broken, and the other part is bitter. Part of you wants to cry, and part of you wants to fight. The tears you cry are hot because they come from your heart, and there is a fire burning in your heart. It's the fire of anger. It's blazing. It's consuming. It's flames leap up under a steaming pot of revenge."

Lance Armstrong said, "Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place."

I don't know. Life is throwing me some screwy curve balls right now. It's kind of annoying. But prayer is weaving it's way back into my life and I'm looking forward to seeing what that will bring. More hardships? Or blessings? We will see, I suppose.

Until Chapter 3. . . .

Carrying the Weight

2009-05-31T13:19:00.002-05:00

The next few days, I will be typing excerpts of a book entitled "Give it All to Him" by Max Lucado.

This chapter is called "Carrying the Weight"

"The woman flops down on the bench and drops her trash bag between her feet. With elbows on knees and cheeks in hands, she stares at the side walk. Everything aches. Back. Legs. Neck. Her shoulder is stiff and her hands raw. All because of the sack.

Oh to be rid of this garbage.

Unbroken clouds form a gray ceiling, gray with a thousand sorrows. Soot-stained buildings cast long shadows, darkening passageways and the people in them. Drizzle chills the air and muddies the rivulets of the street gutters. The woman collects her jacket. A passing car drenches the sack and splashes her jeans. She doesn't move. Too tired.

Her memories of life without the trash are fuzzy. As a child maybe? her back was straighter, her walk quicker...or was it a dream? She doesn't know for sure.

A second car. This one stops and parks. A man steps out. She watches his shoes sink in the slush. From the car he pulls out a trash bag, lumpy with litter. He drapes it over his shoulder and curses the weight.

Neither of them speaks. Who knows if he noticed her. His face seems young, younger tha his stooped back. In moments he is gone. Her gaze returns to the pavement.

She never looks at her trash. Early on she did. But what she saw repulsed her, so she's kept the sack closed ever since.

What else can she do? Give it to someone? All have their own."

All 5 chapters start out with a story about a woman with a trash bag. The story continues every chapter, going a little further than before.

This chapter talks about how we never know how we accumulate the trash. It just shows up. Everyone has one, but no one knows how it came to us.

It talks about the ship the Pelicano. Since 1986 it's been an unwanted ship. The problem is not the boat, ownership, or crew. So what is the problem? The Pelicano is full of trash. In 1986, Philadelphia's municipal workers went on strike and the trash piled up.

It's interesting how Max Lucado compares everyday things to trash in our lives. Anger. Guilt. Pessimism. Bitterness. Bigotry. Anxiety. Deceit. Impatience. It all piles up. It really does.

Why do we let those things pile up? I have no answer.

I carry my own bag of trash. I carry anger, regret, and a little bit of guilt. Why can't I "Give it All to Him"? I feel like I can take it on myself. I feel as if I can handle everything. But cruel reality says otherwise. I can't handle it. Nothing is going the way I hoped it would.

I want to "Give it All to Him". How do I just let it go? "Here's my trash, Lord". "I'm giving it to you". Seems lame...but it works, I think. Maybe. Hopefully.

Hoping,

katie

Ray of Sunshine

2009-05-27T12:36:00.005-05:00

Kali Nichole Sparks November 7, 1987 - May 28,2008

Kali was involved in the FL crash with the AR passengers. She was badly injured and on life support for a week before going to be with her Heavenly Father.

I've known Kali since Pre-School. She was always loved and always well thought of. She was incredibly beautiful as you can see by the picture above.

Kali wrote a poem in 8th grade entitled "Comfort Me".

I don't think this was an accident.

Mr. Wesson was our band director at the time. He read Kali's poem and asked if he could put music to it. She gave her blessing and he now plays that song at his church.

Prayers were lifted in Kali's memory by friends and family.

27 out of 87 of the class of 2006

The stone plaque that Belinda Shelton had made for the dedication.

Beautiful words for a beautiful person.

Until another time.........

-katie-

I Have Been Changed For Good...

2009-05-25T01:10:00.005-05:00

The very beautiful Emily Mae Woodell! I took her senior pictures a couple of weeks ago and they turned out beautifully!!

Emily has been there for me so much! She's always there to listen or cry or talk with me. I can always count on her for anything. We can read each other even over text messages. I don't know where I'd be without her.

"I thank my God every time I remember you." --Philippians 1:3

I love you, my dear sister!!

-katie

Rest and Trust

2009-05-25T00:34:00.002-05:00

"Have mercy on me, O God; have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed." --Psalm 57:1

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.' He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." --Psalm 91:1-2, 4

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. But you, O God, will bring down the wicked into the pit of corruption; bloodthirsty and deceitful men will not live out half their days. But as for me, I trust in you." --Psalm 55:22-23

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. The will soar high on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary they will walk and not faint." --Isaiah 40:28-31

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." --Matthew 11:28-30

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going." --John 14:1-3

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-14T14:29:00.005-05:00

So Sunday was Mother's Day!

I have the most wonderful Mom, no matter what anyone says. My mom has endured so much in my life--especially in the last 3 years.

Not only did she endure my Dad's first major scare in January '99 (Colon removal). Then in the same year in September opening a little 50's Drive-In. Running that for 6 years. Losing that business. My dad's last fall in Jan '06 and then my dad's death nearly 3 weeks later. the visitation, the funeral, finding a new place to live, getting a job, getting me through the rest of high school (3 months), working that job while grieving, getting me off to college, letting me come back home, celebrating birthdays (big ones, 18, 20, 21, 50), nannying, supporting me going back to college, letting me come home again, nannying again, and supporting me in all I do--ALL without my dad.

She is a single mom, knowing that I'm raised enough. I'm no where near where i probably need to be, but she doesn't need to make sure that i've been fed, bathed, or slept.

She's the best Mom that I could've asked for. She does so much for me and I wish there was more that I could do for her, I really do.

She's my best friend. I cannot thank God enough for pairing the 2 of us together.

Until next time.....

1 Samuel 1

2009-04-26T23:04:00.005-05:00

It was Children's Day at church this morning! I love this day of the year. The morning when all the little kids get up in front of the entire congregation and sing the songs that they've been learning for months. They are absolutely precious.

Todd (our children's minister) came up to preach his part of the sermon. He first played a video from the show Jon & Kate plus 8. This particular episode, Kate was making pancakes for the entire 10 of them. She gave us all sorts of estimates of how much flour, eggs, milk, and blueberries it took to make enough for all 10 of them. She even went as far as to tell us how many paper plates they use in 3 months, 1200??? Are you joking? I probably haven't used that many in my lifetime.

Anyway...Todd went on to ask the question, "Why in the world would you want to have children?" and as he asked this question, he passed the puck to Jonathan (our youth minister).

Jonathan & Todd both pointed out how much money that kids cost. And as they are both new fathers, they know.

But Jonathan went a lot deeper. He spoke of Hannah from the Bible.

Read 1 Samuel 1.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=9&chapter=1&version=31

After Jonathan spoke some incredibly moving words. Todd offered up a prayer and asked families to get together--to pray together. My mom sings in the choir, so she came down. With tears in her eyes, she prayed.

I just had to ask my mom what she was crying for. I asked her during lunch. She told me that she was Hannah. She prayed and prayed and prayed for me.

"...and she said to him,

'As surely as you live, my lord,

I am the woman who stood here beside you

praying to the LORD.

I prayed for this child,

and the LORD has granted me

what I asked of him.

So now I will give him to the LORD.

For his whole life

he will be given over to the LORD.'"

Just You and Me

2009-04-24T11:48:00.007-05:00

So, last night's Grey's Anatomy played with my emotions. I watched it just a few minutes ago because our cable is out.

The little girl, Jessica, and her father, Matt--these people are who played with my emotions.

Matt is scrambling to get more help for his little girl. He wants to go to Mexico for another treatment option. Dr. Bailey is trying to get him to stop and realize that Jessica doesn't have much longer--minutes even. And she says,

"Jessica is terminal, Matt. In a few minutes, her heart is going to stop. Now, I can pump her chest; I can push all sorts of medicines; I can put her on a ventilator because she'll no longer be able to breathe on her own. But even with all of that, she is going to die. And the last person who will have had her hands on her, who will have been able to touch her--well that's going to be me, or a nurse? Or it could be YOU. Because you don't want to miss this, this next part, she needs her daddy for this part."

And Jessica asks, "Daddy, are we going to Mexico?"

And Matt climbs into Jessica's bed to hold her as Miranda climbs out. He answers with,

"Yes, we're going to Mexico. The sky is blue blue and the sand is white and the water's so clear that you can see all the way to the bottom. We're going--just you and me. No more doctors, no more medicine, no more hospitals--just you and me."

And the monitor beeps to let them know that Jessica's heart has stopped. Crying, Matt keeps talking and says,

"We're gonna go, you just relax and we'll be there soon. We'll play on the beach all day and we'll make sandcastles. We're goin'--we'll be there soon, you'll see. We're going to have so much fun--just you and me. Just you and me."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Minus the death part, there is nothing that I want more than to be Jessica right now. Just to be held. I want my Daddy to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. I want him to tell me that I'm going to a place that is just indescribable.

Tears just streamed down my face in this scene. I wanted to be held.

My dad and I used to sing this song when we would do stuff together. It's called "I Love..."

You would sing, "I love" and then fill in the blank with 3 things that you loved and you would end it with, "...and I love you." And then it would be other person's turn and you would go back and forth just singing about what you loved.

"I love...taking pictures, singing, and remembering you...and I love you."

Arise, My Love...

2009-04-13T12:45:00.003-05:00

So, this Easter weekend has been eye-opening for me.

I'll start with Good Friday.

I have a brand new cousin, Ryan Gardose Harrison (his middle name is my aunt's maiden name--she's Filipino). He is so precious. Born on Good Friday, April 10th, 11:25am, 7lbs 8 oz. 20 in. long. He has a big sister, Camille Joy, who is 15 months old. but sorry--no pics :(

My aunt and I went to Conway on Friday to welcome the newest member of our family. We talked there and back. I loved talking to her on the way back. This aunt, Aunt Bettye, is my dad's older sister. She used to call me "Miss Priss". haha! I was asking her all kinds of questions about family that I hadn't seen in a while including my great Uncle Bill, 89. (He's not in great shape, so I try to keep up with how he's doing.)

My aunt is 13 years older than my dad was. So my curiosity got the best of me in our conversation and I finally asked about my grandfather, her father. You see, growing up--I had only heard stories about my great grandparents and I knew my dad's mom but I had never heard stories about my grandfather. Well, my grandfather died when my dad was only 3. and my aunt was 16 or so...so--I asked her to tell me about him and she did. I love hearing stories about family. Except I definitely hate it when people say that they would've loved me, that makes me only want to meet them more. It makes me miss them--even though I never knew them. When I think about my kids, I cannot wait to tell them stories about my dad. I know that I will say--"He would've loved you"--because I know he would have.

We talked about Dad, Mom, cousins, Aunts, Uncles, and friends. I feel like it was a bonding moment for us.

So Saturday came. Mom had to work for a little bit, so I went to Pine Bluff to get my Aunt Debbie for the day! This aunt is my Mom's sister. We talked the whole way back to LR. We talked about family, friends, and where we wanted to go that day! Well we got into town and she ran an errand with me. Then we walked around a Garden Center and went to eat at Panera! After that, I had a second interview for a job, which I got FYI!!! :D And while I was doing that, She and Mom (after she joined) went to Penney's and walked around for a bit. Other shopping was had Saturday and then some good Italian food at Olive Garden for my family Birthday dinner! ......then Saturday left.

SUNDAY!! EASTER!!

I wore a not-so-new dress that I finally got to wear for the first time after having it for about a year and a half. And Brother Ed preached a great sermon entitled, "The Resurrection Expectation", reading from Luke 24:1-6a.

He pointed out that Jesus conquered Death, our sins are forgiven, we have eternal life, an eternal home is ours, and the big one (for me): believers are reunited.

I had never thought about that before. As soon as Jesus comes back for us in the Second Coming, we will be reunited with all the past believers who have gone home to be with the Lord.

"Brother's, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words."

--1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

Such an amazing thought. Such an unfathomable thought, as well.

I probably couldn't describe how badly I want to see my daddy again. The feeling of longing is brutal and breath-taking sometimes.

I realized recently that I go to my happy place when I'm in a hug. When I hug male family members (uncles, cousins, family friends), I wrap my arms around them, close my eyes, and go into my happy place. I remember my dad. I remember his bear hugs. I remember...

Birthday!! :)

2009-04-07T12:34:00.001-05:00

i'm starting my 21st year of my life. i guess i feel older? who knows!